I just can’t 

My experiences don’t matter here.

What I need doesn’t matter here.

Things are solved with platitudes and “want to know what makes you amazing?” and when that doesn’t work “you should try having my life” and “deep breaths” as if calming down instead of expressing ourselves is the best option. 

And flower girls walking down the aisle with their Mom so numbers match when my brother wasn’t included because he can be a jerk and now his feelings are hurt and this is the end of the world – and oh my god – why is it my job to manage everyone else’s emotions.

I can’t do this.

I don’t have any out here.

Everyone screams “drama free” and “it’s what you want” and then my SIL and brother text my Mom about something behind my back that I could solve if they talked to me. Honestly, I asked SIL if she wanted to walk with the flower girl and she said yes and now apparently that wasn’t true. 

WHY DOES NOBODY TALK DIRECTLY TO ANYBODY  ELSE.

And my Mom says my husband doesn’t visit enough and he doesn’t come over enough and he doesn’t text my brother and fuck, what am I supposed to do with that when I’m stuck in the middle.

And honestly I think my husband is wrong to not have my brother involved as a groomsman but I don’t know why I think that. I have 7 girls and he has 6 guys, and why isn’t my brother a groomsman – and my brother is hurt – but my brother was also a total jerk to us for a long time. And the right thing would be for my husband to do whatever he wants on the one day in the world that’s supposed to be just for the two of us. 

And my brother at the dinner table yesterday goes “<his therapist> has 30 pages about the fact that you aren’t including me in the wedding.” YOU’RE THE EMCEE. You had that role, lost it, and then didn’t speak to me for 8 months, and then just to get all of you to shut up I gave it back to you. FUCK.

And fuck all this drama. I genuinely can’t breathe I’m shaking so hard between tears and hysterical laughter. 

And me saying “I need you” to my husband is met with “this whole thing is your fault” and “I can’t emotionally support you right now – not when we are out with people all the time.”

So I float here relatively alone and cry and fight with my Mom and make her cry but she doesn’t hear what I’m saying. She tries to derail or re route or tells me how she feels. Nobody hears me here. My words mean nothing. It’s like they think I’m having a tantrum that has no feelings behind it. It’s like I’m yelling underwater. 

She does hear me about the sexual assault and miraculously parents well through all of it until she says she sees it as a reflection of her parenting. As a failure. And I’m like mom – I told you – that’s not a failure. You told me it isn’t my fault and checked if I’m okay. You told me he’s out of our lives. That’s a success. But of course the conversation derails into me taking care of her.

This is so painful. I need to shut down. But my body hasn’t yet. I need to go into “do what is best for everyone else so it doesn’t hurt anymore” mode. 

I’m cancelling with A. I hate her right now. The fact that I can feel anything is all her fault. She calls this progress and I call this leaving me exposed. And this is where her email boundary comes in handy because I would fire off some sort of malicious angry email about it, that would just make me feel worse.

Instead of “Dear A, I am writing to cancel our phone session on the 31st. PD”

It would be “Dear A, I know I’m not supposed to write you about my emotions because it’s not the proper forum but fuck that. You’re the only person who hears me and I’m in a place where I’m angry and unheard and I can’t figure out what is right from wrong and I also can’t disassociate and do you know why I’m here? Because we’ve made so much progress that I’m at a place where I can’t run and hide like I used to. So I don’t want to talk to you. I want nothing to do with you and I hope you enjoy your stupid vacation in Hawaii that you paid for with all my session fees. I hope you enjoy relaxing on the beach. I’ll just be over here absolutely broken because you’re so good at fixing me. I hate you. I hate you and I know I only hate you because you’re the safe person to hate right now and that makes me EVEN MORE ANGRY. I’m cancelling our appointment and I’m never speaking to you again. I was better off without you. PD

Obviously I would never send it and it’s childish and obnoxious and not based in fact but fuck it, that’s how I feel. Totally and irreparably broken. 

Why do I fucking care so much. I need to stop caring. I need to just stop. I just can’t. I can’t. 

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16 thoughts on “I just can’t 

  1. That tension between doing what you actually want and what will cause the least tension is so fucking hard to navigate. And the anger and frustration mixed with guilt, ugh.

    (For what it’s worth, I think your email to A is great, and I bet she would too.)

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  2. This sounds like a very hard time for you, PD. I’m just wondering if you’ve ever tried seeing someone else other than A? Like someone who practices CBT perhaps, who may help work on your thought process and not just on what/how you feel.

    Anyways, I really hope you hang in there and manage to get through this difficult period somehow.

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    • I appreciate the suggestion Psy, but I’ve done the CBT thing. I actually do have skills I can draw on and do during less intense periods of my life. My last counsellor of 3 years was CBT focused.

      I prefer A because I really need to do work of this nature – and it works for me when I’m not in this highly triggering environment.

      I’m doing okay this morning, rounded back to working through what it is I want and being determined to stand my ground. Weddings are stressful enough as is without family issues on top.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Alright great, that’s kinda funny in a way because my previous therapist of 3 years did similar work as to what A does – Gestalt therapy, focused on (body) awareness and feelings/sensations. While my current therapist is CBT focused, so that’s why I suggested it.

        Good to see you back on your feet. 😉 Later

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with Q, this is so difficult. I want to tell you that your experiences matter and what you need matters to me. I can understand feeling exposed and like you can’t protect yourself from these emotions by dissociating, because you have made progress. And it makes sense to be mad at A for that. What you said about nobody addressing their concerns directly to you and going through someone else instead, that’s triangulation. It’s not right, but I wanted to give you the word. Just take care of yourself and I’m here for you ❤

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    • Thank you so much for the word because I googled it and was like “holy crap, this is my life” and then googled ways of handling it so at least it fits into some sort of category/compartment about my family.

      I’m ok this morning. Not good but ok.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Aw, PD, this sounds incredibly difficult. I think I would want to throw things at people by now. What a mountain of stress!

    It’s okay and normal to be aggravated with people. There is a lot of immature behavior and blaming going on. Feeling upset is a normal healthy reaction. It means you see that people are trampling all over your boundaries. I am sorry that you don’t feel able to draw a line and defend those boundaries. It’s such a hard thing to learn (I struggle with that a lot). I bet that is something A can help you develop in the future.

    in the meantime, the main thing is to take the best possible care of yourself. Whatever that looks like–time to yourself, a short walk, a long shower, I don’t know. Anything that can bring you some peace for a while, that can protect your tender self with those awakening emotions. I’m thinking of you and imagining a golden, glowing, protective shield around you, one that repels other people’s demands and negativity. If I find out where you can get such a thing, I’ll let you know, because it sounds like it could come in useful these days.

    Take good care, PD.

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    • It’s actually quite big progress that I can see my boundaries being ignored, even if I can’t quite place where they are, seeing that they’re being ignored or feeling unheard is progress.

      I like the shield, it’s also got some pink glitter sprinkled throughout because, why not. It’s ok, it’s survivable, just way more emotional than I would have expected. But I guess that makes sense if I’ve found my emotions.

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  5. That is a brilliant email – I think you’re right not to send it now, but it really does capture what’s going on for you and it would probably be worthwhile showing it to A and talking about it when you get back. From what you’ve described of her so far she won’t take offence at all and will probably give you a pat on the back for being able to describe your feelings so well.

    And aaarggghhh!!! your family. I can see why you’ll need to take a long break from them after this.

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    • I think it would be worthwhile showing her and talking through it with her. She would find a reason to celebrate. I really do like working with her I’m just pissed she’s managed to successfully get me to feel crap haha and we are in this middle ground where I can feel it but have no idea how to navigate it – or I do know but the pull to do the opposite is so strong.

      Haha my family… I want to be like “everybody shut up and listen – how do you NOT see these patterns!!!”

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  6. Whatever I say won’t cut because I can see where you are emotionally.
    I’m hesitant to tell you to stand up for yourself because I’m not A and I’m not there. This isn’t drama. You are rightfully angry and frustrated because you are being manipulated and made responsible for everyone else’s emotions. They are deflecting all of their shit onto you and making you responsible for everything.
    I can understand why you’re angry with A. You have opened these wounds and can already recognise how messed up things are, but unable to change it or those people. It’s shit and it’s wrong. A knows you well enough to see underneath the potential email and see how distressed you are.
    I wish I was there with you. Please get some real help if you need it. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for saying it isn’t drama – and that I’m rightfully angry and frustrated. That was very helpful.

      It’s a process and I was inevitably going to have to pass through a part where my emotions are hard to handle – but I see them. I don’t think I realized exactly how hard that would be and there really was no way for us to know I would get here this quickly.

      I thought about the crisis line last night. Managed to avoid self harm and watched tv till I calmed down, so made it through. Thx for your kind words. Your comment was the first I read and helped alleviate the guilt

      Liked by 1 person

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