My experiences don’t matter here.
What I need doesn’t matter here.
Things are solved with platitudes and “want to know what makes you amazing?” and when that doesn’t work “you should try having my life” and “deep breaths” as if calming down instead of expressing ourselves is the best option.
And flower girls walking down the aisle with their Mom so numbers match when my brother wasn’t included because he can be a jerk and now his feelings are hurt and this is the end of the world – and oh my god – why is it my job to manage everyone else’s emotions.
I can’t do this.
I don’t have any out here.
Everyone screams “drama free” and “it’s what you want” and then my SIL and brother text my Mom about something behind my back that I could solve if they talked to me. Honestly, I asked SIL if she wanted to walk with the flower girl and she said yes and now apparently that wasn’t true.
WHY DOES NOBODY TALK DIRECTLY TO ANYBODY ELSE.
And my Mom says my husband doesn’t visit enough and he doesn’t come over enough and he doesn’t text my brother and fuck, what am I supposed to do with that when I’m stuck in the middle.
And honestly I think my husband is wrong to not have my brother involved as a groomsman but I don’t know why I think that. I have 7 girls and he has 6 guys, and why isn’t my brother a groomsman – and my brother is hurt – but my brother was also a total jerk to us for a long time. And the right thing would be for my husband to do whatever he wants on the one day in the world that’s supposed to be just for the two of us.
And my brother at the dinner table yesterday goes “<his therapist> has 30 pages about the fact that you aren’t including me in the wedding.” YOU’RE THE EMCEE. You had that role, lost it, and then didn’t speak to me for 8 months, and then just to get all of you to shut up I gave it back to you. FUCK.
And fuck all this drama. I genuinely can’t breathe I’m shaking so hard between tears and hysterical laughter.
And me saying “I need you” to my husband is met with “this whole thing is your fault” and “I can’t emotionally support you right now – not when we are out with people all the time.”
So I float here relatively alone and cry and fight with my Mom and make her cry but she doesn’t hear what I’m saying. She tries to derail or re route or tells me how she feels. Nobody hears me here. My words mean nothing. It’s like they think I’m having a tantrum that has no feelings behind it. It’s like I’m yelling underwater.
She does hear me about the sexual assault and miraculously parents well through all of it until she says she sees it as a reflection of her parenting. As a failure. And I’m like mom – I told you – that’s not a failure. You told me it isn’t my fault and checked if I’m okay. You told me he’s out of our lives. That’s a success. But of course the conversation derails into me taking care of her.
This is so painful. I need to shut down. But my body hasn’t yet. I need to go into “do what is best for everyone else so it doesn’t hurt anymore” mode.
I’m cancelling with A. I hate her right now. The fact that I can feel anything is all her fault. She calls this progress and I call this leaving me exposed. And this is where her email boundary comes in handy because I would fire off some sort of malicious angry email about it, that would just make me feel worse.
Instead of “Dear A, I am writing to cancel our phone session on the 31st. PD”
It would be “Dear A, I know I’m not supposed to write you about my emotions because it’s not the proper forum but fuck that. You’re the only person who hears me and I’m in a place where I’m angry and unheard and I can’t figure out what is right from wrong and I also can’t disassociate and do you know why I’m here? Because we’ve made so much progress that I’m at a place where I can’t run and hide like I used to. So I don’t want to talk to you. I want nothing to do with you and I hope you enjoy your stupid vacation in Hawaii that you paid for with all my session fees. I hope you enjoy relaxing on the beach. I’ll just be over here absolutely broken because you’re so good at fixing me. I hate you. I hate you and I know I only hate you because you’re the safe person to hate right now and that makes me EVEN MORE ANGRY. I’m cancelling our appointment and I’m never speaking to you again. I was better off without you. PD”
Obviously I would never send it and it’s childish and obnoxious and not based in fact but fuck it, that’s how I feel. Totally and irreparably broken.
Why do I fucking care so much. I need to stop caring. I need to just stop. I just can’t. I can’t.