It’s the day after the wedding. My husband and I stole away to a hotel somewhere beautiful for a night and are resting. We are exhausted. Tomorrow I booked us couple massages.
I am having dinner by myself in a restaurant. My husband wanted pizza and I can’t eat out easily due to allergies. I never used to be able to eat alone, worried about how people would perceive me or what it looked like or “look at that poor sad girl with her phone eating alone.” Look at me now. A plate of salmon, a glass of wine, and WordPress out on my cell phone.
The wedding was beautiful, it was magic and honestly I’m so glad it happened. It was amazing. And actually kind of perfect – I have received so many compliments about it being “the best wedding” people have ever attended. But it was hectic and emotional – so much emotion – and after photos I got really overwhelmed and had to take a break by myself. I’m proud though, I told everyone to leave me alone for a bit except my maid of honour and advocated for my need to have some time. I’m about to get a bit TMI but I really had to go to the bathroom and didn’t want anyone coming with me, so I stripped out of my dress and wandered around my locked bridal suite naked for a bit – it was helpful.
I’ve been going non-stop since Thursday morning, and I feel like I’m losing my footing a bit. So it’s kind of nice to sit here and eat alone. The space is nice. Not to mention the alone time.
I haven’t slept well for the past few nights. I’m hoping for a really nice long sleep tonight. There’s something about being in this constantly triggered state that’s exhausting – and even though I loved yesterday and it was the wedding of my dreams, I can’t help but feel it was dulled a little – like I didn’t get the full experience.
On Thursday night I went to bed at 11p after the rehearsal dinner. I woke up multiple times because I was sharing the room with my maid of honour, who has an insulin pump that beeps consistently when she is low – I know this, didn’t expect it to wake me up. It hasn’t before.
That’s when I wrote the last post. And I felt activated and angry and I emailed and I cancelled with A. I have since realized part of me wanted her to write back and try to convince me to show up. I wanted her to say “PD, why are you cancelling? What’s going on? Are you okay? Tell me about how you are?” I wanted to feel that care.
And she emailed back very quickly, I got it the next time I woke up from a dream (which was 2am, and my bridesmaids were arriving at 6:30a). And this is what it said:
“I’ve received your message. I look forward to seeing you on Thursday.
Safe flight home next week.”
And I immediately felt activated. It was 2am, I wasn’t coping, and this is the first time I had felt anything in days… and it was disappointment and maybe anger. I wanted to be cared for genuinely by an adult figure – someone who sees me for me. I wanted her to fight for my attention. To fight to get me to show up – which isn’t her job. She performed her job, allowing me to cancel and saying she looked forward to seeing me. But it wasn’t enough for me. I knew that that reaction was over the top and very much from my attachment issues, and compounded from where I was and the stress – so I knew it was unrealistic but it didn’t stop me from wanting her to fill that gap I’m supposed to fill for myself.
I needed to sleep if I was going to get through my wedding day, so I listened to her recording of The Guest House. And that opened up the tiniest crack in my armour. And then I wanted to talk to her even more. So I sent this:
If I sent that in a moment of weakness is there a way to undo it? I realize the back and forth isn’t ideal or fair but as soon as I sent it I regretted cancelling. I think I’m just really out of touch with myself and what I need right now… I won’t go into details but had a brief panic this morning when I realized we wouldn’t be talking.
I promise to not cancel it again, if perhaps you’re okay with reinstating our phone call? Let me know, and I apologize for the inconsistency. I realize that it is unfair.
She responded with “no worries at all. Let’s talk <date and time>.” Which I didn’t get until yesterday during my brief wedding panic.
Until I listened to her voice I was completely disconnected. The only emotion I was feeling was dread or panic, and then I managed to connect – briefly – and it got better.
The wedding was amazing… and also lucrative! I loved it. But I can’t help but feel I was a bit separated from it because I haven’t been able to deal with being here. And maybe that’s how all my experiences have been. A bit out of touch, like I’m running in black and white while everything else has been in technicolor.