How Am I?

I have a phone call with A today that I cancelled and then un-cancelled. 

She’s inevitably going to ask how I am. And honestly? I have no fucking clue. Absolutely zero. 

I feel like I’m on the positive side of things right now but I can’t tell you about most of the time I’ve spent here. I know the last few days have been positive but if you were like “what happened last Monday or Tuesday” I have nothing. 

I can’t find that centre ache, can’t access the girl on the stairs, and I’ve basically been perma-drunk since I landed. 

It’s going to be interesting. I wonder what she’ll do. 

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4 thoughts on “How Am I?

  1. Where does the girl on the stairs go, do you think? I’m wondering whether she’s locked up in the basement, or just disappeared, or standing quietly in a corner where she can’t be noticed.

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  2. I hope the call with her grounds you a little, lets you feel supported and cared for. That feeling of not really remembering what has happened in the week can be really disconcerting. It’s okay to not have all the answers, and it’s okay to not know how you are feeling. Remember that these coping mechanisms developed for a reason, and right now you are doing the best you can. Things can’t change overnight– and even more so when you are in an environment that is full of triggers– and you are doing really deep work in therapy right now which takes time.

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