Depression, is that you?

I can feel it creeping in around the edges of my body, my thoughts, with its dark fog. I don’t exactly welcome it, but I don’t push it away either. We’re old friends. The kind of friend that is familiar. You don’t really want to see them, or hang out, but you do. It takes too much energy to let go of them.

I haven’t felt like this in almost a year. I was feeling really victorious about that. But today, the thoughts crept in. My family doesn’t seem to be speaking to me, I’m not at work because I don’t feel well, I generally feel pretty useless. The happy things are hard to find.

I went to get groceries today and all I could hear were things like “You’re a lying asshole who deserves to be alone” and thoughts about A. At the end of last session we were doing scheduling and I told her I am going to try to go to every other week two sessions, with one in between, and she was like “oh ok, good!” And I know she was just chatting but what I heard in the state I’m in was “Oh good! You’re finally weaning yourself off of me and soon I won’t have to put up with your shit anymore!” 

So I’m walking to the grocery store and thinking “A was so happy when you changed your schedule because she doesn’t want to see you. She doesn’t want to work with you anymore. She can’t wait for the day you’re no longer her client. Just like your family is glad to be rid of you right now. You don’t belong there anymore, you don’t belong anywhere. Nobody wants you around.”

Losing a sense of purpose (no longer having the wedding to obsess over) and trying to deal with everything just feels so overwhelming. It’s like moving through molasses, breathing underwater, while everybody else seems so normal. I simply want to crawl under the covers and hide from the world, or sleep. Two signs that depression is creeping its way in.

When this starts to happen, certain things start to look like potential answers. Like, standing in the middle of the road. Or seeing if I can hold my breath under water without drowning. Simple things, not meant to cause death but things like… I wonder if I put my body in this place if something will hit it and break it and make it hurt so I can feel something that isn’t this awful deep ache… but still stay alive.

Although now that I think about it, I was just started on an antibiotic for my chest cold, and I wonder if it is interacting poorly with my system and my other meds… I googled it and see a major interaction between the antibiotic and my SSRI and that feels like something a doctor or pharmacist should have mentioned to me. It’s for the heart though, not depression. Now I’m wondering if it makes sense to keep taking the antibiotic. Now I’m wondering if this is compounding all the crap I’m feeling. I’ve wanted to come off my SSRI for a while now, with a year of feeling pretty good behind me, and I think its probably time to consider doing that. I have this aversion to putting anything in my body that is a medication.

For right now though, nothing feels safe. Therapy doesn’t feel safe. I’ve all but convinced myself A hates me and is just “putting up” with me because I probably make up like a quarter of her income (I picture her being so hurt at that statement in a moment of irony… because I think somewhere inside I know she cares). Honestly though, she only needs four of me to live a relatively comfortable life.

I suddenly want nothing to do with her. I don’t want her to see me as I am, I don’t want her to be a witness to the pain I experience. I don’t want to have her in my life. I don’t believe that she genuinely cares about me. That relationship talk we had yesterday kind of upset me because yes, the relationship is important to me. But I don’t get the sense anymore that it matters to her in any way. She used to tell me she learned a lot from me and that I challenged her to grow as a therapist, and at least that was something. Right now I just feel like a giant dollar sign she can’t wait to get rid of sitting opposite her. I’m 98% sure that’s all in my head, but who knows. Maybe I shouldn’t matter to her at all. Maybe she shouldn’t care about me. Maybe me hoping that she does is naive and stupid and a problem.

There is a lot to celebrate. I’m three days sober, I made it back home without self harm, I have lots of friends and a house and a job – but I don’t give a crap about any of it right now. I’m embarrassed that I brought up anything about wanting A to email me a certain way with her. I’m embarrassed I told her anything about how I felt. It’s childish of me to feel that way.

Not to mention my family has managed to make me feel like crap while simultaneously telling me I should feel wonderful about the wedding. Why do they manage to take every good thing in my life and make it about them? Why do I let them… and how do I stop? They had me, they got me, I thought they were really into it and cared. It’s only after the fact they show their true colours. 

This is the way I felt when they all stopped talking to me last year. This is familiar. Feeling like an outsider, feeling like I don’t belong, because I’m no longer welcome since I won’t play along.

I just want a nap.

 

 

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9 thoughts on “Depression, is that you?

  1. I find that I am much more sensitive and dysregulated and telling really scary stories about my therapist not caring, when I’ve been around family. All of their lack of care and ability to care gets projected onto her and our relationship. So much of what you wrote I relate to having experienced, especially this past August after being around my alcoholic family. So I just want to say, that I completely validate your feelings and don’t blame you for them, and, A cares. You aren’t a paycheck. Money isn’t really enough to give in the ways our therapists give to us. You know? There are much less complicated people out there willing to pay for therapy. She cares about you and loves you. I know that might not really sink in, but I wanted to counter those stories anyways. I feel protective of you. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Rachel, I appreciate that. I also love that you feel protective of me.. that meant a lot right now. I feel like that’s exactly what’s happened and now on top of that I’m being shunned from my immediate family again for reasons to do with my wedding and I can’t tell up from down… so I appreciate your message, I really do.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m there with you, especially wanting to hide under the covers. Whatever you do with the medications, just be careful. I’m proud of you for not SH-ing and for being 3 days sober. A cares about you, it’s just hard to see right now because of the critical voice. I’m also thinking that because the wedding is behind you now, that might be contributing to how you’re feeling. Sending love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I did, I hid for a few hours today and I plan on hiding for a bit longer tomorrow. I got an… unexpected but not… text from my brother I am not sure how to handle. So I’m kind of not sure what I’m doing – I know that I’m safe-ish though. My husband is well aware of how I’m feeling. Thank you for your love and I’m sending it right back. We should build a blanket fort for hiding.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear PD: Sounds to me like you are coming down from a *Really* *Difficult* Time and what you need is a Large Bunch of Kindness. Please give You that. Also, I am FedExing you the Hugest Bunch of Kindness I could wrap up. The Enormous Box is In The Mail. Sent with love – TS

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Can I just urge caution with coming off the SSRI? If you’ve gone on and off it multiple times in the past with no problems feel free to ignore me, but if this is the first discontinuation after a long time on it, timing and support can be crucial. If it would be helpful I’d be happy to discuss my own experiences more, some other time when you’re feeling better – I don’t to turn my comment into a lecture (mind you, if you’d like a lecture, you could always read my comment on Laura’s blog https://blackspotsite.com/2016/10/25/coming-off-antidepressants/ ).

    Meanwhile, napping is good.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You can of course. I’m on the lowest dose (and have been for about 4 years now), but never come off. I did just nap, and feel marginally better although I’m dreaming about my family.

      Like

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