I can feel it creeping in around the edges of my body, my thoughts, with its dark fog. I don’t exactly welcome it, but I don’t push it away either. We’re old friends. The kind of friend that is familiar. You don’t really want to see them, or hang out, but you do. It takes too much energy to let go of them.
I haven’t felt like this in almost a year. I was feeling really victorious about that. But today, the thoughts crept in. My family doesn’t seem to be speaking to me, I’m not at work because I don’t feel well, I generally feel pretty useless. The happy things are hard to find.
I went to get groceries today and all I could hear were things like “You’re a lying asshole who deserves to be alone” and thoughts about A. At the end of last session we were doing scheduling and I told her I am going to try to go to every other week two sessions, with one in between, and she was like “oh ok, good!” And I know she was just chatting but what I heard in the state I’m in was “Oh good! You’re finally weaning yourself off of me and soon I won’t have to put up with your shit anymore!”
So I’m walking to the grocery store and thinking “A was so happy when you changed your schedule because she doesn’t want to see you. She doesn’t want to work with you anymore. She can’t wait for the day you’re no longer her client. Just like your family is glad to be rid of you right now. You don’t belong there anymore, you don’t belong anywhere. Nobody wants you around.”
Losing a sense of purpose (no longer having the wedding to obsess over) and trying to deal with everything just feels so overwhelming. It’s like moving through molasses, breathing underwater, while everybody else seems so normal. I simply want to crawl under the covers and hide from the world, or sleep. Two signs that depression is creeping its way in.
When this starts to happen, certain things start to look like potential answers. Like, standing in the middle of the road. Or seeing if I can hold my breath under water without drowning. Simple things, not meant to cause death but things like… I wonder if I put my body in this place if something will hit it and break it and make it hurt so I can feel something that isn’t this awful deep ache… but still stay alive.
Although now that I think about it, I was just started on an antibiotic for my chest cold, and I wonder if it is interacting poorly with my system and my other meds… I googled it and see a major interaction between the antibiotic and my SSRI and that feels like something a doctor or pharmacist should have mentioned to me. It’s for the heart though, not depression. Now I’m wondering if it makes sense to keep taking the antibiotic. Now I’m wondering if this is compounding all the crap I’m feeling. I’ve wanted to come off my SSRI for a while now, with a year of feeling pretty good behind me, and I think its probably time to consider doing that. I have this aversion to putting anything in my body that is a medication.
For right now though, nothing feels safe. Therapy doesn’t feel safe. I’ve all but convinced myself A hates me and is just “putting up” with me because I probably make up like a quarter of her income (I picture her being so hurt at that statement in a moment of irony… because I think somewhere inside I know she cares). Honestly though, she only needs four of me to live a relatively comfortable life.
I suddenly want nothing to do with her. I don’t want her to see me as I am, I don’t want her to be a witness to the pain I experience. I don’t want to have her in my life. I don’t believe that she genuinely cares about me. That relationship talk we had yesterday kind of upset me because yes, the relationship is important to me. But I don’t get the sense anymore that it matters to her in any way. She used to tell me she learned a lot from me and that I challenged her to grow as a therapist, and at least that was something. Right now I just feel like a giant dollar sign she can’t wait to get rid of sitting opposite her. I’m 98% sure that’s all in my head, but who knows. Maybe I shouldn’t matter to her at all. Maybe she shouldn’t care about me. Maybe me hoping that she does is naive and stupid and a problem.
There is a lot to celebrate. I’m three days sober, I made it back home without self harm, I have lots of friends and a house and a job – but I don’t give a crap about any of it right now. I’m embarrassed that I brought up anything about wanting A to email me a certain way with her. I’m embarrassed I told her anything about how I felt. It’s childish of me to feel that way.
Not to mention my family has managed to make me feel like crap while simultaneously telling me I should feel wonderful about the wedding. Why do they manage to take every good thing in my life and make it about them? Why do I let them… and how do I stop? They had me, they got me, I thought they were really into it and cared. It’s only after the fact they show their true colours.
This is the way I felt when they all stopped talking to me last year. This is familiar. Feeling like an outsider, feeling like I don’t belong, because I’m no longer welcome since I won’t play along.
I just want a nap.