I’m tired 

Because tonight is a late session, I am left waiting outside A’s building for her because the door locks. I know she doesn’t normally work this late and that she’s doing it because another week off wouldn’t be a good thing for me, but still, change like this doesn’t sit well with me. (For the record, I’m inferring those things. She doesn’t work that late but she never told me anything about it being a special case. I just know when we were scheduling she had to hunt for a time).

I don’t want to ride the elevator with her. Usually, I listen to the same song as I get into the elevator, head to the washroom, and then enter her office at exactly my appointment time. No earlier, no later. And now I’m waiting outside for her – she’s doing me a favour by having this session and I’m whining about it because my pre-session routine is messed up. 

I’m watching the elevator numbers, knowing full well with how fit she is she will probably take the stairs. I wonder if she’s just finishing with another client – that happened to me once. I don’t like crossing paths with her other clients. I don’t even like imagining she ever leaves her office. 

I’m a mess today. Should be fun. 

——

For the record, there was no other client, and as we rode the elevator I was like “this is weird, it’s not my routine.” And I addressed it off the bat. She asked about my routine and we talked about my obsessive routines a bit… I’m sure that will come up later. Nothing started the same though, and actually that may be a good thing because I was hell bent on not talking to her at all. The odd start broke that plan up immediately.

It was okay. It felt disjointed. I did my best to show up but forgot my wallet at home and therefore didn’t have dinner and ended up having to e-transfer her for a payment which was frustrating.

She did get a new blanket though! I pointed it out and she was like “I wondered if you would notice.” I’ve been harping her about that blanket for months. 

She spent some time trying to connect and brought up how I’ve been so disconnected for a couple weeks that of course it’s going to be uncomfortable. And she mentioned that she was really proud and actually in awe of the fact that I was able to mention to her how I really wanted her to respond to the email I sent her cancelling with concern and worry and questions. She told me it took a lot of courage to bring that up with her. And that it was a good thing that I emailed back and feel able to ask for what I need – even if I just asked for the opposite. Then she addressed my comments on how relying on someone for support through this growth is terrifying. 

“PD, this relationship, it’s important to you.”

“I guess.”

“What does our relationship mean to you?”

“I don’t want to talk about our relationship with you.”

“What’s it cost, not connecting with me.”

“Approximately $200, the same as if I did connect with you.”

*wry chuckle*

“I want you to know that I can see this relationship is important to you. And I don’t take that lightly. This is where we are. And that’s a good thing. We are doing important work and that requires a certain level of attunement and of course that’s uncomfortable. It’s okay if you can’t say what it means to you – but when and if you want to, I’m open to receiving it.”

We also talked about the text that set me off, and I was really grateful she felt it was worthy of the reaction I gave it. It is scary and vulnerable to need the connection I have with her to do this work.

We talked about that fear. About how showing up is scary. Doing the work is courageous. And she told me I’d been doing it since the beginning. 

We spent some time with the centre too, that emotionally charged middle part of me – but it was too much and I told her I didn’t want to go there today – after a bit of prodding she acknowledged and left it alone.

Basically she spent the session trying to reconnect with me and we didn’t quite get there… but that’s okay. We will. There’s time.

I’m tired. 

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6 thoughts on “I’m tired 

  1. Ugh! Relationship talk. I despise relationship talk. I won’t tell Bea, in conversation that she matters, that the relationship matters. Why do therapists always have to bring up the relationship?!
    (Joking 😂)

    In all seriousness, though, I’m glad you went to therapy even if it was out of your routine– it sounds like even that was helpful! I know it’s hard to be connected after being so disconnected for weeks. It will happen, though, because you both are willing to work for that connection. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad it went okay and that you know that you will reconnect with her. I’m also glad that your routine was broken up so that it stopped you from not talking to her. There is time, and you have just spent a lot of time in an environment where ignoring your emotions was the safe way to go. You will reconnect with her, and with your center, but it’ll take time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • In a weird way I’m also glad the routine was broken up. Part of me thinks she did that on purpose.

      I feel stuck and like I’m not going anywhere with therapy right now, but I know I’m stuck because I’m stuck and not because A isn’t trying.

      Sometimes quitting feels like a better choice.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re stuck because you’re stuck, because you just got back from a triggering environment. This stuck-ness will pass. Reread your post that you wrote on the plane. Quitting isn’t going to get you closer to that.

        Liked by 1 person

      • 🙂 I know the feeling of wanting to quit. But ultimately it doesn’t help us achieve our goals.
        That’s okay. Those thoughts are normal. Observe them, you don’t have to buy into them. A is a great counselor and she cares about you and definitely isn’t waiting to push you out.

        Liked by 1 person

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