Meet My Mother

My Mom texts me. 

She’s an alcoholic so anytime it’s past like 7pm her time I know she’s drunk. She blames it on Siri but there is literally no way all the errors and back and forth are because of an automated machine. 

First we talk about my grandma and the wedding stuff and then, then It comes. I’m having trouble deciphering it but I know what the implied message is. 

On that same note just so I have their <brother> said he didn’t want to hear from you but he really does.

I ignore it. She goes on. 

<his new project> isn’t coming through. Job cut back on hours. He’s having a tough time.

She then talks about the wedding (switch bait) and I respond to that. She ignores my response and goes:

He doesn’t mean what he said. 

I respond: Well I will let him tell me that when he is ready to hear from me again. I am going to respect his wishes.

(Stupid me, naive me, shouldn’t have engaged)

She goes I’m trying to tell you he won’t tell you that. He’s just waiting for you to say something anything! Like I’m sorry you’re upset I’ll talk to you later. He says shit he doesn’t mean all the time.  Respecting his crazy wishes right now is not going to help. 

I ignore what she is writing about my brother again and respond to a different comment she has made. I say “the wedding WAS great. We did such a good job.”

Well <mispells my name> you’re not hearing me. And if you want to be hard assed on this then good luck with you and your brothers relationship. I was trying to help you find a way to mend fences. Not talking to your brother. Saying he asked you not to talk to him. And I’m saying just send a text saying I hear you. Talk later whatever. Say something to him. 

I finally reach my limit and reply: 

Mom he asked me not to talk to him, so I’m not talking to him as he asked for space. I don’t know why that is wrong. I’m not being hard assed. He literally said “I ask that you not talk to me until I’ve had the time and space necessary to not be irrational.” So I’m listening. And you are right, it is between him and me. I’m not mad, I respect his need for space. 

She continues:

I’m just telling you he asked for space but he doesn’t really mean it. That’s angry <brother>, can you hear that? You know that’s just angry <brother>. He’s waiting to hear from you in some form or another. He literally called me and said ‘why hasn’t she answered me?’ 

She then babbles on some more incoherently – to which I reply “I’m at work Mom, goodnight, I love you.”

I would like to lay this out plain and simple, to people who will listen. 

  • Brother asks me to not talk to him
  • I listen and respect what he wants
  • Mom says “he didn’t mean that, he’s mad you’re not talking to him. You are sabatoging your relationship.”

I never win. This is and was my life. I never win. 

He can text me when he is ready, I’ll be damned if I break the silence he has asked for. Seriously. Fuck.

Hopefully yoga therapy tonight helps and doesn’t unleash the floodgates. Or maybe that would be helpful.

Anyways, WP community, meet my Mother. 

PS – I advise sensitivity and care in comments. Although our relationship is largely dysfunctional, I still very much love her. It’s part of what makes it so hard. 

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5 thoughts on “Meet My Mother

  1. Your mother is very, very limited in her ability to have reality-based conversation. I feel a lot of compassion for her, she seems pretty frightened and at the whim of her very ill child (your brother). I know she is trying to “bridge the gap” between you two out of genuine care and wanting peace, but the way she goes about doing it (stepping on top of your needs and the reality of the situation) is completely hurtful for you, and ultimately not going to work, because your brother is nuts and isn’t quite where you are. It must feel maddening for you to be constantly pulled on by all of their limitations. When you work so hard on your own. I’m so sorry PD. I wish your mother was more able to see the impact of her behavior on you, particularly when it comes to your brother’s behavior.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This sounds very difficult and crazymaking because there is no way for you to get to a positive outcome – you are blamed regardless. They aren’t communicating in a healthy way, which can become very unpredictable and illogical. It’s good that you are recognizing these patterns and how they effect you.

    Like

  3. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re literally respecting his wishes. If he actually wanted you to respond, he could’ve asked for that. This relationship is between you and him. You deserve better than this always-losing situation. You’re in the right with this though. Keep standing your ground, you’re doing nothing wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

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