Cleaning Out The Closet

Today I cleaned out my physical closet.

And in doing so I also cleaned out a part of my mental closet. I let some things go. 

I haven’t done that since my husband and I moved in here, over four years ago. And it, along with my mothers message, has stirred a lot up for me. A lot of unexpected things. And I’m finding it difficult. 

I didn’t realize how many things I was keeping around to punish myself for failing in one way or another. There were race shirts and bibs for half marathons I never crossed the start line at. There were trinkets and messages and books from people I had lied to – designed to give me comfort, but I kept them as a way of reminding myself I was incapable of forming authentic relationships. There were gifts from my parents and family that didn’t fit me and that were not even close to being something I would wear or use… but that I kept out of some sort of guilt – hanging on to some physical evidence that maybe… maybe they actually love me. 

This is a very lonely and hard time. I am incredibly sad right now. I have been taking time out between tasks to sit, and cry, and try to be with my emotions. I have been writing an emotion journal for N, for yoga on Monday.

Eventually I cracked in two ways. First, I had a drink (then two, then three). It’s about harm reduction right now – I have felt, continuously, a barrage of emotions for seven days – and am dangerously close to the limit of my capabilities.

Second, I emailed A and asked for another appointment this coming week. I need it, and I’m going to have to figure out how to pay for it, but I will. There is nothing more important right now than my mental health. I am selling a few of my things that I found and have decided to forgo pitching in on the car my husband and I were going to buy. 

It’s going to be okay. 

I have to believe that this impossibly hard time is worth it. I have to believe that at the end of this journey there will be a peace. 

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13 thoughts on “Cleaning Out The Closet

  1. Pingback: The Grief That Almost Killed Me (Part One) | Paper Doll Therapy Blog

  2. I am sorry things are lonely and sad and oh so difficult. I see you working so hard to manage everything and am super proud that you’ve reached out and prioritized your well being first. It doesn’t feel okay, thats for sure, but I too believe it will be eventually. That last paragraph is so powerful. You are a warrior my friend!

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  3. I want you to know that my positive comments on your previous posts, are not meant to minimize the pain you are still feeling. You are doing great work, and I’m so proud of you – AND, I hear how incredibly difficult it still is. This is a long and excruciating process. I wish there was a magic way to speed it up. But the more time we put into it, the more we will accomplish. There are no shortcuts, but that means the healing we reach, over time, will be true and authentic. Hugs xoxo

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    • Oh I know you are not minimizing me at all Lily, although I appreciate the disclaimer always. Thank you for being proud of me – that’s always something difficult for me to accept.

      And it was surprisingly comforting to realize that the growth and change I am making – although slow and incredibly painful – is real and authentic and true.

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  4. Adding my care and support into the mix. Hearing that it is really hard and you feel really alone and sad. Which makes complete sense given all of the awareness you are gaining about your family (and how they are acting). This is sad, and it is very hard. So of course it feels that way. These transitions when we start to break away from really unhelpful patterns into healthier ones, are so hard. And sometimes there isn’t really a quick or effective way to cope with the pain. And that is hard to sit with.

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    • Thank you Rachel, your care and support is always so welcome – I find you have insightful and comforting things to say. It is helpful to have my feelings make sense to others. I’m sitting and trying to be patient as my heart and chest explode with grief… I wish there was a different way through. But there isn’t. Thank you for everything, always.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You have done such great work PD. You are practicing harm reduction with your drinking which is a good and smart decision after all that you have faced. So happy you are asking for what you need from A…you deserve it, some time to feel cared for, loved and validated for all this pain. Be safe and give yourself a break. Take some time, if you can, away from all the memories and the heartache to allow yourself some space to heal. Still right beside you and holding you up in my thoughts. Be safe

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  6. Keep that belief, that hope. It’s okay that you cracked, but I don’t think asking A for another session is cracking. It’s asking for what you need. You’re prioritizing what’s important to you, and that’s great. You’re experiencing a lot of emotions and it’s hard to sit patiently through them when we weren’t taught how. It’s okay. Things won’t always be this hard.

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