With everything that is going on with my family, the changes in my habits, the realization that I am not at fault for what happened (which seems to be sticking) – I am feeling incredibly vulnerable and this huge need to withdraw into myself.
I am sad and swallowed in this sadness and grief almost constantly. I knew it would be hard, these changes, but I did not know that it would be this hard. I did not know that I wouldn’t want to talk with my husband, that I wouldn’t feel like talking at all. That I would feel like nobody understands me – like I can’t talk to my closest of friends – save for Lu, that angel – I didn’t know I would feel like I don’t understand myself.
All I have to hang on to is that this process of severing old beliefs and integrating myself and my experiences – that this process is going somewhere good. That this is simply a part of the storm that feels endless. That it’s worth it. That I am worth it. But I have no concrete evidence of that being the case right now, and it makes it hard. Before, I could see the growth, and believe in it. But right now I feel embedded in this period of sadness, unable to see anything except an endless sea of grief.
This is the first time, in the 7 months I have been working with A, that I feel desperately as though I need her. That she is an anchor point in this insane storm. That if she cut me off or died or stopped being there for whatever reason – I wouldn’t cope well. I am having serious object permanence issues – as soon as I’m gone I wonder if she even ever existed or if she is simply a caring figment of my imagination. How could somebody real, who knows (almost) everything, genuinely care for me so much? This fear of her leaving me has been especially aggressive since my family severed their ties with me and unknowingly fast forwarded a really sensitive process. I am trying to intellectualize it and make sense of it – and I can’t. I know, somewhere, that it is okay to need her, I know it is wholly due to the fact that she is giving me care and emotional attention that I desperately need as I work through this really difficult transitory period. I know that my need is a symptom of all I’ve been through, and is crucial to getting me to the other side. But I am ashamed of it.
I believe, too, that little PD has a lot to do with how I feel right now. I have always treated her as so separate from myself. I have always fragmented from her and separated from her… her emotions and beliefs and the way she was treated they all belong to her, not me. Yet when I realized the other day that nothing that happened was her fault or my fault or.. our fault… it bridged a gap there that had previously been completely separate. I had been blaming her and putting it all on her and in that one session where I mentally relived all I blamed her for and saw, in fact, that it was not her fault – it has changed my perspective. It was terrifying and raw and real, and it has changed everything. Her experience is uniting with mine and the deep seated grief of our childhood is affecting all I do and all I am in the present moment.
I imagine this is why I have felt incredibly fragile and childlike the past 48 hours. I want to curl into bed with stuffed animals and blankets and hot chocolate and watch Disney movies where everything always turns out alright in the end. I have this urge to colour, but not in my adult colouring book – in one I have that is for kids. I want someone to care for me and I don’t want to do any caring myself right now. So I’m going to do as strong suggested (which I think was brilliant) and give myself a day off from thinking about all this. I’ll get through my freelancing, etc and then I will colour and watch a Disney movie tonight and maybe have hot dogs and kraft dinner…
I am not okay. I am not okay right now. But I see no other option than continuing. Trying to sit with it and reminding myself that even the darkest and most dangerous of storms ends with a sunrise. Drinking did nothing for me yesterday in the way of harm reduction and self-harm isn’t an option I can consider anymore (when did that change happen?!). Stopping now would leave me in this painful limbo forever.
I have no choice but to move forward. And move forward we will.