Red Light, Rock, Squishy Truck

My husband and I have a code. It’s been developed over years of being together from the times I couldn’t articulate what was happening for me but I knew I was close to having my coping mechanisms outweigh the pain I was in. 

The red light, rock, and squishy truck are all symbols of difficulty – they are all me saying to him “help me. I am not going to make it through this day without help.”

Today, tears streaming down my face, I wordlessly handed him all three.

I have done the best I can with this – this crushing overwhelming pain. This depression. I haven’t felt this incapable in almost 12 months (since my family last cut me off). 

I’m taking a break and going back to basics. I’m getting through what is absolutely necessary and then resting and caring for myself and, possibly, if necessary, heading to the hospital. 

I’m telling you this for two reasons. One, because I am not sure how long it will take me to balance out and I don’t want you to worry. Two, because when you reach this point, remember there is no shame in asking for help. 


26 thoughts on “Red Light, Rock, Squishy Truck

  1. Thank you for articulating this, PD. I know how hard it is because I’m going through this myself. Some days, I feel so debilitated that I don’t know what to do or how to cope. Last week. No wanted to cut again. It’s so rough when you have so many emotions and thoughts to process. I hope your self care will help and that I hope you know how we all here in the Blogoverse care about you and wish you well!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi PD, I’m thinking of you in this difficult time (and relieved you have your husband to make sure you get appropriate care while you need it). It’s interesting that the last time you felt this way, you were also triggered by your family cutting you off. They certainly know how to get to you, and it makes me so mad that they use this to try to try to knock you back into supporting the traditional family dynamics. It’s so unfair to you, and of course it feels like shit. You are going to be able to resist that and live a different kind of life now, but I know it’s terribly hard while you are going through it. Keep on listening to the wise voice inside that knows to reach for help.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q – thank you for your note and the reminder that my wise voice was the voice to listen to. It makes me (or made me) mad too… but I made it through – in part because of the support you and others here have given me. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh PD, I am sending so much love to you right now. Please do take care of yourself, and know that others care for you. We will all be here (and are here). Do go to the hospital if necessary. You’re right, there’s no shame at all in asking for help – and there’s also no shame in needing help in the first place. You are in my heart PD. 😘

    Liked by 1 person

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