After I sent the text on Monday, I felt giddy for a period of time. Light. The words that my brother threw back at me were equally as malicious as the others but I was able to look at them from an entirely different perspective. Eventually the grief settled back in but it was a dull ache in comparison. And I felt capable of handling it, of moving through it.
And I felt, different.
Communication with my husband was key to making it through that alive. And It was so crucial to remember that I have a choice in everything I do and everything I choose to say or be a part of.
That is still wild to me, that I don’t have to just do what people say willy nilly.
And my brother. To be honest I don’t really have hard feelings towards him, just grief. Our relationship has been forever altered by the relationship my parents set for us – and their relationship. Nobody here did anything malicious, but we all ended up this way regardless. And if he ever wants a relationship with healthy boundaries then I’m open to that. I am not closing that door, simply refusing to let abuse cross its threshold. I became so aware of myself as capable and confident suddenly. That as an adult I have the right to hold these boundaries.
On Monday evening I saw N for yoga. I told her about the weekend. I was still grieving but definitely out of the woods in terms of suicidal ideation – there was so much growth – the action of sending that text and standing up for myself relieved so much for me, but the grief felt… stuck still.
Yoga therapy is one of the greatest choices I have ever made. We started in a restorative pose with the weighted blanket and pillow and then moved through many sequences, a lot of movement. I didn’t realize how much tension I was holding until she brought awareness to it. We did more moving than ever before and at the end she said she felt like I needed to move through the pain, and get it flowing. She was right. I also got the weighted blanket at the end with this incredible lower back stretch. And throughout she kept drawing parallels – “notice the sensations, notice how they change. Notice how although life is complicated outside this room, in this room we are aware of the changing sensations and your changing breath. We are in the present. Sensations come and go just like emotions, sometimes they get stuck – but we can move through them. It doesn’t mean we don’t feel them, in fact we tend to feel them more, but it does mean that over time we become observers and have more control over our reaction to them.”
I had an image while practicing of picking up the shreds of my heart and weaving them back together, the same pieces, just put together a different way. A sense of feeling whole, and put back together.
I went to bed that night feeling whole – cautious of whether or not this new feeling was real, or if it would leave me, or what would happen after. But I knew it was different. I had never felt quite this confidently whole before. This alive. This ability to gently, quietly, and completely trust in myself.