Possible TW: suicide, sibling abuse
On Tuesday morning I saw A, for the extra appointment I had requested. I had used the words “things are really difficult” and so that’s how we opened session.
It was unfortunate that the timing had me out of the grief spiral and emotional exhaustion I was in… but it did allow for some distance and for me to talk about it. I tried to emphasize the severity of it, and I think she got it.
At one point we talked about suicide. This was the first time in our relationship I had mentioned being actively suicidal, having suicidal ideation, and considering killing myself out of an inability to cope with the pain. She knew I had been suicidal before and so we talked about it a little bit – especially since my ‘movie reel of sorts’ involved the first time I thought of suicide.
It happened to be right after my brother attempted suicide for the second time. I had asked my Mom if I could talk to her and I told her I was really scared because I was thinking about killing myself. She said “I don’t have time for this.” Left the room, and tossed a container of Advil on the bed next to me with the flippant, exhausted words of “just do it then.” She was tired and worn out and had run out of resources from being at the hospital with my brother for 36 hours but that doesn’t mean that that incident didn’t hurt (and again I ask for comments to refrain from attacking my Mother… she is still my Mother).
I think it was then I decided my feelings would never matter to anyone – it was then I started lying and self harming and now that I can see the connections I can forgive myself – and I think that’s where this incredible freedom has come from.
I mentioned to A how easy it would be, actually, for me to kill myself. I’m deathly allergic to chilies and ibuprofen. As I mentioned earlier this week, all I have to do is eat a bowl of chili or pop an Advil, and I’m dead. That’s it. There is no work involved – simple things I can buy at a drugstore or that are in everybody’s house and I’m dead from asphyxiation. I simply do not take my epi and I’m gone.
We paused, and I said “can we applaud whatever it was inside me that kept me alive in those moments, despite how easy it would be to kill myself?”
And she said “absolutely”
And then she said “can I just give you a big hug right now? Can I hug you? Then we can come back to talking.”
And I said yes and she hugged me so tight and it was so caring and loving and she said “I am so glad you are here.”
And that moment was amazing for me. It was beautiful. It was necessary. It spoke of her care for me. In the face of feeling like I didn’t matter for so many years it was a neon flashing sign that said “you are worth something.”
Speaking of her caring for me I told her how uncomfortable I was with the idea that she cares – but that I need those times where she tells me. Like the other day where she told me we had time because she isn’t going anywhere – I squirrel away those moments and bury them like nuts, where only I can find them, so she can’t take them back.
She tried to discuss our relationship and it’s importance but I avoided it like the plague, as always.
I also unknowingly disclosed elements of the sibling abuse I experienced as a child that only in the last week I determined to be abnormal. We didn’t have time to go there – but I’m guessing we will. I also guessing it’s coming up now because I am ready to talk about it.
I’m slowly weaving my heart back together. And I’m so happy to be alive.