Now that I’ve started to master the art of defining an emotion, and not simply feeling “something” or “a pit” or “lighter than yesterday”, I’ve been keeping an emotions log for N for Yoga.
I’m kind of curious what we will get up to doing with it. I am also curious as to the things I’ve been feeling over the past while, what they may mean. The connections between them. I definitely don’t feel everything, but I am also able to define some emotions and where they live or show up in my body.
I’ve fully categorized grief, shame, and sadness. If they appear (when they appear) I can identify them, know where they are, and for the most part accept them and breathe into them and move through them. Sometimes I talk to them out loud. Last Tuesday with A I said “oh hi grief”, in the middle of a sentence, fully able to identify what was coming up for me.
This skill is one that I think is so important and represents a real breakthrough for me. I am more able to identify what I’m feeling, although some emotions still escape me and combinations are super confusing. After literal decades of not being able to understand my emotions, I am starting to be able to pause as they arise and react appropriately.
I think this is in large part due to yoga teaching me that they aren’t scary, and also because A and N both model such exceptional emotional management.
This is my emotion diary for the past week. I write them down if they are significant enough for me to recognize that they’re happening.
Wed: joy, trepidation, gratitude, relief (after my amazing session with A)
Fri: fear surrounding contact with my family (after a text from my Mom wanting to catch up)
Sat: sadness, a longing (after discovering I’ve been blocked or unfollowed by my brother in all social media mediums)
Sat: held, cared for (after remembering Wednesdays session)
Sun: grieving, sadness (after having a relatively innocent conversation with my Mom)
I’m starting to trust my intuition more, to lean into emotions, to let tears leak out or to be visibly grumpy or annoyed if I am actually visibly grumpy or annoyed. To vocalise my needs.
I wonder what we will do with that log tonight in practice. It amazes me that I’ve been able to start doing this, with emotions. It really does. How is dealing with emotions for you?