Nobody can be trusted… nobody can be trusted… nobody can be trusted.
It’s the hardest narrative to erase and it makes it even harder when people you thought you trusted do or say something, even if it’s innocent, to set off those alarm bells in your brain.
Space is better. You should quit. Get a new job. Nobody wants you here. And anyways, they can’t be trusted…. you should trust nobody.
Immediately I picture myself going to see A and telling her nothing. Saying nothing because nothing feels safe to say. And I know that this is all inside my head, that something in my environment (someone, and I know who) has accidentally (sure of this) pushed a button which makes me feel like the whole world is suddenly unsafe and not to be trusted. And so I’m in the bathroom writing an email to a safe person and allowing myself to regroup.
I am still doing kind of okay, kind of stable… pretty wary. Hope and I occupy the same space but hope is at least 10 yards away from me at all times. Today her and shame and hurt are hanging out together.
Now that the family stuff is a bit more stable I’m finding a lot coming up about the sexual assault… and I’m having difficulty discussing it with my husband and A, or anyone else – I feel judged and dumb and stupid and silly for making a big deal of it, I feel like it was my fault and karma gave me a swift kick in the ass. I feel awful about it, really.
So in the family department, I am stable. For now. But there is other stuff that was hidden that is rising – uncomfortable stuff. Stuff I don’t really want to talk about with anyone. Stuff I should talk about.