Nobody Can Be Trusted

Nobody can be trusted… nobody can be trusted… nobody can be trusted. 

It’s the hardest narrative to erase and it makes it even harder when people you thought you trusted do or say something, even if it’s innocent, to set off those alarm bells in your brain. 

Space is better. You should quit. Get a new job. Nobody wants you here. And anyways, they can’t be trusted…. you should trust nobody. 

Immediately I picture myself going to see A and telling her nothing. Saying nothing because nothing feels safe to say. And I know that this is all inside my head, that something in my environment (someone, and I know who) has accidentally (sure of this) pushed a button which makes me feel like the whole world is suddenly unsafe and not to be trusted. And so I’m in the bathroom writing an email to a safe person and allowing myself to regroup. 

I am still doing kind of okay, kind of stable… pretty wary. Hope and I occupy the same space but hope is at least 10 yards away from me at all times. Today her and shame and hurt are hanging out together.

Now that the family stuff is a bit more stable I’m finding a lot coming up about the sexual assault… and I’m having difficulty discussing it with my husband and A, or anyone else – I feel judged and dumb and stupid and silly for making a big deal of it, I feel like it was my fault and karma gave me a swift kick in the ass. I feel awful about it, really. 

So in the family department, I am stable. For now. But there is other stuff that was hidden that is rising – uncomfortable stuff. Stuff I don’t really want to talk about with anyone. Stuff I should talk about. 

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7 thoughts on “Nobody Can Be Trusted

  1. I think there has to be a balance somehow. Between pushing ourselves to do the hard scary thing (trust someone, speak up, etc), and letting the scared parts of us rest up or prepare or whatever it is they need to feel safe again. I don’t know what that balance looks like for you, but I think you will find it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t usually like giving ‘advice’, but I just wanted to let you know that it’s okay to go at your own pace. You’ll talk about these things when you’re ready. There’s nothing wrong with that. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are doing so well PD. Just try and remember that you are stronger now and these thoughts can’t control you! Try and just sit with them, they should be noticed, they are valid because that are your thoughts but try and remember that they don’t have any power and you have people in your life who you can trust and who love you.
    Here’s a new mantra for you! “I am PD and I am strong and I am amazing, I have hope and I’ve got this”
    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. PD you are incredible. Keep with it. You are doing so, so well xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Just notice these thoughts happening right now. You don’t have to buy into them or do anything, just notice them. Thoughts are thoughts, that’s it.
    The last two sentences say a lot, I think. Often, it’s what we avoid the most that we should talk about and that will bring us healing.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know it doesn’t feel good, but in some way, the fact that these things are coming up, show how much progress you’re making. Part of you feels safe enough now, to be able to even think about those things – and that is progress. Even though it doesn’t feel like it. xoxo

    Liked by 3 people

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