For the last two weeks I have dreamt every night (unless I take a sleeping pill but that’s followed by more arrhythmia issues #connection). More often than not I wake up with a sense of loss and an ache.

The dreams all center around my brother and unlike when he was yelling at me – where my dreams were violent and aggressive – now that we are estranged the dreams are different.

This set of dreams isn’t true but more reflects my feelings – whereas the more violent set had anchors of truth. 

Two from last night stand out to me. The first, I was supposed to drive somewhere with my best friend, and my brother and SIL. It was my birthday and I never got to use the car. And they had some piece of technology in the car that wasn’t plugged in or anything but that I couldn’t move. But if I didn’t move it there wasn’t room for all of us. And suddenly they ended up with the car and my best friend and I was alone on my birthday with my mom and dad telling me to suck it up because they “needed it” more than I did.

The second dream I’m at a college or school of some sort and I’m so tired and my SIL and brother are supposed to pick me up somewhere. Of course they don’t so I am late to school. I call my best friend to come get me and somehow hear a voicemail my SIL has left for her about how ungrateful I am and how she was calling all my friends to let them know about the true me that abandons my family – how I am not worthy of any support or any friendship ever. And how nobody should ever love me. And how if people do love me, it’s only a matter of time before they leave me.

Then there is this project so I miss this test and my teacher and I are trying to find a room to take it in (because I texted her to tell her that my life was falling apart). And in every room is my brother or SIL telling me I can’t be there, that I don’t matter, that I’m a liar and a victim and selfish. 

And in the last room is A. And she says “you can do whatever you want in this room, take your test, but after hearing the truth, I can’t support you anymore. You’re on your own.”

And I am so fucking unsettled by these dreams. I woke up feeling incredibly alone, save for my arrhythmia.


9 thoughts on “Unsettled

  1. I’m catching up on the latest, and things sound so challenging right now. The heart stuff (scary), your huge breakthrough and emotional fall-out from that and your family’s limitations in seeing their behavior and its impact on you. A lot going on, PD. Not to mention you just got married. And money stress. There is just so much going on, it makes sense to me you’d feel unsettled and your dreams would be reflecting uncertainty and fear.
    I’m glad you are okay. I hope things start to level off. Are you going to MO for the holidays?

    Liked by 1 person

    • You make me feel better by listing it all – no wonder I am stressed! It doesn’t feel so crazy or wrong to feel out of control now. And I had a root canal this morning. I’m really tired of being touched by strangers.

      I am staying here for the holidays which is good – and it was pre planned so no explanation or fighting necessary. Hopefully the money stuff gets sorted out too soon.

      Thanks for being here xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, I’m sorry you’ve been having these dreams. A wouldn’t say that, but I understand why she showed up in that dream.
    I know it’s hard to believe, given how you feel, but you aren’t alone. I’m here, lots of readers are here, your husband is here, A is here, Lu is here, Owner1 is here. Your dreams are showing you your fears, not reality. It is scary to think everyone will leave, but I don’t believe everyone will.
    How has your arrhythmia been doing?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I shared the dream with Owner1 too tonight and he was like “I would never say those things to you!!” Which was nice to hear and reassuring. You’re right, these people are here – and I know you are too. I just need to stop having these dreams, you know

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s okay. You’re under a lot of pressure so of course the dreams are happening. Having Owner1 say that will probably go a long way toward proving that what happened in the dream isn’t and won’t be real.

        Liked by 1 person

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