For the last two weeks I have dreamt every night (unless I take a sleeping pill but that’s followed by more arrhythmia issues #connection). More often than not I wake up with a sense of loss and an ache.
The dreams all center around my brother and unlike when he was yelling at me – where my dreams were violent and aggressive – now that we are estranged the dreams are different.
This set of dreams isn’t true but more reflects my feelings – whereas the more violent set had anchors of truth.
Two from last night stand out to me. The first, I was supposed to drive somewhere with my best friend, and my brother and SIL. It was my birthday and I never got to use the car. And they had some piece of technology in the car that wasn’t plugged in or anything but that I couldn’t move. But if I didn’t move it there wasn’t room for all of us. And suddenly they ended up with the car and my best friend and I was alone on my birthday with my mom and dad telling me to suck it up because they “needed it” more than I did.
The second dream I’m at a college or school of some sort and I’m so tired and my SIL and brother are supposed to pick me up somewhere. Of course they don’t so I am late to school. I call my best friend to come get me and somehow hear a voicemail my SIL has left for her about how ungrateful I am and how she was calling all my friends to let them know about the true me that abandons my family – how I am not worthy of any support or any friendship ever. And how nobody should ever love me. And how if people do love me, it’s only a matter of time before they leave me.
Then there is this project so I miss this test and my teacher and I are trying to find a room to take it in (because I texted her to tell her that my life was falling apart). And in every room is my brother or SIL telling me I can’t be there, that I don’t matter, that I’m a liar and a victim and selfish.
And in the last room is A. And she says “you can do whatever you want in this room, take your test, but after hearing the truth, I can’t support you anymore. You’re on your own.”
And I am so fucking unsettled by these dreams. I woke up feeling incredibly alone, save for my arrhythmia.