I’m Tired Of Being Touched

I’m craving some space for my body.

Due to a variety of medical needs the past four days – not a day has gone by where somebody I do not know well is touching me in some way or another and I’m over it. I am so over it. 

I have had hands on my chest (ecg), wrists (pulse), under my arms (after I fainted), in my mouth (root canal), on my back (before I fainted), my left arm (blood taken) and I’m done. I’m done being touched. 

Each time was consensual and I was asked about my choice of practitioner and each time I simply went with the flow of things and gritted my teeth and got through it. 

And I’ve realized that’s how I got through a lot of my childhood. I gritted my teeth and said nothing because at some point it was easier to shut up than to try to advocate for myself… and that’s carried over to adulthood. None of these professionals did anything wrong – they don’t know me. They all asked about my preferences and I didn’t tell them so it’s not like they’re mind readers (with the exception of my dentist who does know me very well and is trauma specific. She just caught me at a tough time or I would have been fine with her). 

I realize this is a pattern – to put up with things regardless of if there is an opportunity to do something about it to change my circumstances. And how sad that is. And in how many ways that has changed my life. 

I need to not be touched for a while.

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6 thoughts on “I’m Tired Of Being Touched

  1. It is a lot all at once! Be kind to yourself. You have such a compassionate heart–imagine how you might support a friend feeling like you do, and please allow yourself the same care and rest and love you’d give others.

    It is not easy for us to learn that we deserve to set boundaries and speak up about them. I think I’m better than I used to be, but not as skilled at this as I’d like to be. I just trust that it is something I have to keep practicing, and over time, it gets better. The main thing is to realize that you’ve been encouraged/trained/brainwashed to let others have what they want, and it takes time to overcome that. No judgment.

    Sending lots of encouragement and care (but no touching!). 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. PD – you have done so much growing and dealing the past few weeks since your trip!!! You are allowed to be tired, overwhelmed and not necessarily able to advocate for yourself. Especially given that you had a medical crisis and were probably feeling vulnerable and stressed out by not knowing what was going on with your body. You have shown so much strength and character these past few weeks, so go easy on yourself if you had a time when you felt weak and not as able to be who/how you wished you could have been. This was just another opportunity for growth and when you have your next appointment for the Holter monitor, hopefully you will feel stronger and can practice that skill of self-care and self advocacy. Hoping you feel better and get some much needed rest. Be gentle with yourself. Ngerbie

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It’s hard to advocate for ourselves. It’s hard to believe we are worth advocating for. I too would’ve gritted my teeth and bared it.
    I think it’s great that they gave you the choice, by the way. I’ve never had that opportunity.
    Hoping you get space today without any medical appointments xx

    Like

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