I’m craving some space for my body.
Due to a variety of medical needs the past four days – not a day has gone by where somebody I do not know well is touching me in some way or another and I’m over it. I am so over it.
I have had hands on my chest (ecg), wrists (pulse), under my arms (after I fainted), in my mouth (root canal), on my back (before I fainted), my left arm (blood taken) and I’m done. I’m done being touched.
Each time was consensual and I was asked about my choice of practitioner and each time I simply went with the flow of things and gritted my teeth and got through it.
And I’ve realized that’s how I got through a lot of my childhood. I gritted my teeth and said nothing because at some point it was easier to shut up than to try to advocate for myself… and that’s carried over to adulthood. None of these professionals did anything wrong – they don’t know me. They all asked about my preferences and I didn’t tell them so it’s not like they’re mind readers (with the exception of my dentist who does know me very well and is trauma specific. She just caught me at a tough time or I would have been fine with her).
I realize this is a pattern – to put up with things regardless of if there is an opportunity to do something about it to change my circumstances. And how sad that is. And in how many ways that has changed my life.
I need to not be touched for a while.