I’m angry. And resentful. And for once in my life I’m not chastising myself for feeling that way.
Okay, I am. But not as much as normal.
My parents are well off. I grew up in a family that had a lot – I lacked nothing material. What I lacked emotionally my mother made up for by handing me $50 as if a shopping trip would change the fact that there had just been a massive meltdown in the house.
As a result I learned zero money management. As a result, the last week has been spent with my husband and I fighting over money. As a result I am now faced with the next ten years of debt payment and seeing A is conditional on what I make while freelancing.
And I’m angry. I’ll take ownership for the fact that I never listened to my husband in the first 8 years of us dating… but I am also jealous and resentful of my brother.
My parents pay for everything for my brother. They pay his rent. They give him their car whenever he needs it. They pay for his mother fucking therapy each month. The only reason he started talking to me again last year was because my Dad threatened to cut him off if he didn’t. And meanwhile I don’t know if I can afford to see my counsellor week after week. They pay for him to chase his career dreams of music. They pay for so much of his shit and they don’t even make him be accountable for where it goes! It goes to booze and cabs and all this other crap he doesn’t need.
And I have always defended it and been like oh, they paid off some stuff for me at that age. And I’ve been like oh, it’s okay, I don’t really want them to pay for me. But that’s a cover up. I do. I want them to be like “heres money for a couple months of therapy while you recover honey.” I mean they buy what my therapy costs in alcohol each month!!
I’m resentful. I’m angry. Because if I did say “Mom, I am having heart problems due to stress. Most of it is about money.” She would go “can’t your husband pay for it?” I’m being punished for having a husband who knows what he is doing with money (and no, he can’t pay for it. He is busy padding an emergency fund and saving for our house and car). My SIL sucks with money too, and my parents do so much for them. I am being punished for having a husband who is responsible.
I realize I sound like a spoiled brat – and here’s the thing. I have ZERO expectations of my parents when it comes to finances. I am 28. But when I look at the differences between me and my brother and watch them throw over 2 grand at him a month – and then struggle to pay my therapist – I get angry. Because it’s another freakin example of how I am a second rate citizen in that house. It’s another example of how things I never ask for (wedding) are held over my head. It’s another example of the fact that I am held to different standards and expected to simply figure it out.
Ugh. I hate this side of me. What I’m mad about isn’t the money, it’s the inequality. It’s the blatant fact that I am second. That they say all the right things but there’s no meaning behind them. My Mom offered to fly out to help yesterday (by making my heart problems worse? Like how would you being here help. Oh, I know, it wouldn’t, but it means you get to escape being there).
I feel mean today. I can’t sleep. And I’m angry about my sexual assault too. And I’m angry that I feel dirty and bad and that I let someone have that power over me.
I’m just fucking angry.
I was taught that I am second best. I was taught that inequality was normal. I was taught to be a doormat. And that makes me furious when I think of all I’ve lost.