Angry

I’m angry. And resentful. And for once in my life I’m not chastising myself for feeling that way. 

Okay, I am. But not as much as normal.

My parents are well off. I grew up in a family that had a lot – I lacked nothing material. What I lacked emotionally my mother made up for by handing me $50 as if a shopping trip would change the fact that there had just been a massive meltdown in the house. 

As a result I learned zero money management. As a result, the last week has been spent with my husband and I fighting over money. As a result I am now faced with the next ten years of debt payment and seeing A is conditional on what I make while freelancing. 

And I’m angry. I’ll take ownership for the fact that I never listened to my husband in the first 8 years of us dating… but I am also jealous and resentful of my brother. 

My parents pay for everything for my brother. They pay his rent. They give him their car whenever he needs it. They pay for his mother fucking therapy each month. The only reason he started talking to me again last year was because my Dad threatened to cut him off if he didn’t. And meanwhile I don’t know if I can afford to see my counsellor week after week. They pay for him to chase his career dreams of music. They pay for so much of his shit and they don’t even make him be accountable for where it goes! It goes to booze and cabs and all this other crap he doesn’t need.

And I have always defended it and been like oh, they paid off some stuff for me at that age. And I’ve been like oh, it’s okay, I don’t really want them to pay for me. But that’s a cover up. I do. I want them to be like “heres money for a couple months of therapy while you recover honey.” I mean they buy what my therapy costs in alcohol each month!!

I’m resentful. I’m angry. Because if I did say “Mom, I am having heart problems due to stress. Most of it is about money.” She would go “can’t your husband pay for it?” I’m being punished for having a husband who knows what he is doing with money (and no, he can’t pay for it. He is busy padding an emergency fund and saving for our house and car). My SIL sucks with money too, and my parents do so much for them. I am being punished for having a husband who is responsible. 

I realize I sound like a spoiled brat – and here’s the thing. I have ZERO expectations of my parents when it comes to finances. I am 28. But when I look at the differences between me and my brother and watch them throw over 2 grand at him a month – and then struggle to pay my therapist – I get angry. Because it’s another freakin example of how I am a second rate citizen in that house. It’s another example of how things I never ask for (wedding) are held over my head. It’s another example of the fact that I am held to different standards and expected to simply figure it out.

Ugh. I hate this side of me. What I’m mad about isn’t the money, it’s the inequality. It’s the blatant fact that I am second. That they say all the right things but there’s no meaning behind them. My Mom offered to fly out to help yesterday (by making my heart problems worse? Like how would you being here help. Oh, I know, it wouldn’t, but it means you get to escape being there).

I feel mean today. I can’t sleep. And I’m angry about my sexual assault too. And I’m angry that I feel dirty and bad and that I let someone have that power over me. 

I’m just fucking angry.

I was taught that I am second best. I was taught that inequality was normal. I was taught to be a doormat. And that makes me furious when I think of all I’ve lost.

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19 thoughts on “Angry

  1. sorry I’m behind. But your anger is justified! I think if my parents did that I’d be fuming! And it seems he’s the spoiled brat! He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself! xxx

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  2. I don’t like feeling angry either… but if I look at my life, the only times I’ve mustered the courage to stand up for myself and defend my right to my own personhood and take action? Only came about after allowing my anger in to counsel me. My anger isn’t where my power lies, it lies in the hidden truths fueling my anger. When anger is acknowledged and eventually explored to its roots, shit happens. Like, transformative shit. (Good shit). But the time between anxiously allowing anger in as a guest and finally getting to know anger as a close friend and ally, is tough. It’s scary. It seems like anger might be our strongest emotion. But I’m reality, it’s just a messenger for our deeply buried pain. Listen to your pain– even and especially when it puts on anger!

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  3. Your feelings are valid, completely understandable. It’s not right, or fair, that you got and get treated like that. I hope that everything goes well with your freelancing, and that you will be able to continue seeing A on a regular basis. xx

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  4. Your anger is totally justified. There is that sort of white hot rage that just wants to burn your family tree to the f*ing ground, and then there is the sort of anger that takes ownership of your own choices but is still outraged at the injustice of your situation, and yours is well and truly the second kind. I think that anger can be very constructive if it drives you to put yourself first and make the hard choices you need to make for your own wellbeing.

    Right now I’m feeling angry on your behalf, especially over some of the things your mum said. As you point out, her offering to visit is not actually about helping you, it’s about making her feel better – a more helpful offer would have been to give you the cash equivalent of her return airfare. And as for ‘not knowing how to get out of’ her situation with your brother – what, she not only expects you to accept being treated worse, but to make her feel ok about it, to be her emotional caretaker??? I know you love them, but grrrrr!!

    You are doing so well with making the right choices now. Stay strong.xx

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  5. I think the anger might be good too. You have good, really good, reasons to be angry. And you’re right, it’s not about the money, it’s about the inequality (I grew up in a similar situation). Let yourself feel this and let it move through you, versus bottling it up. You have every right to be angry. You’re not a doormat, and you’re not second best. You’re yourself, and nobody can replace you or replicate you. You deserve better, you deserve to be equal, and not being treated as such is infuriating.

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  6. I think it is okay to feel angry. I would be livid if I were you, with your sibling receiving money and a “get out of jail free” card (though we both know you are FAR better off than your brother, with how miserable he must be for how he behaves and lives his life) – this touches into all of that implicit wounding from the past. When you WERE dismissed, your needs weren’t taken into account, when you DID need them. So yes, adult you, right now, knows you are a very capable and resourceful adult who doesn’t need them or their money and you will figure it out (because you always do because you have always had to, sadly) – but the Teen parts, the kid parts, they are being touched right now with this situation and it is scary to need money that isn’t there and it is scary to think of losing therapy, and it is infuriating that your needs weren’t met adequately. You are feeling now how it felt back then, and there were plenty of reasons to be enraged back then. It is healthy and healing to feel it now, so I am glad you are letting yourself feel the anger without letting the stories carry you into a too dark of place. You don’t need them now, but you really really needed them back then. And they weren’t there, and it fucking sucks.

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  7. You don’t sound like a spoilt brat. Your anger is totally justified and also healthy!
    I can again relate to the way to have been brought up, but I am cautious with money. I have to be.
    I hate the thought of you not being able to see A. Does she not operate a sliding scale? I think most therapists do.
    Take care of yourself… if that’s possible xx

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    • I have to be now too, I simply wish I had realized that or been taught it earlier. It’s not even the money but the inequality of it that gets me

      Thank you for saying my anger is justified. I’m sure there are options with A but I do so well with an hour and a half and the idea of less time doesn’t feel right right now. I’ll figure it out. I’ll hustle

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      • It’s a strange way to love. By treating your children differently. I still feel the anger but feel guilty because my parents had their reasons for being the way they were. But it doesn’t change the way you or I feel about it now.
        It is totally justified and natural. Anger is part of grief too. I’m sure A would be happy to arrange something more affordable without changing the session but it’s a difficult thing to discuss.

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      • The most infuriating line I’ve ever received is “loving you equally doesn’t mean treating you the same.” I feel guilty too, I do. I don’t think they meant for this to happen and my mom has told me she doesn’t know how to get out from enabling my brother yet she refuses to do anything differently – isn’t that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result?

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      • Absolutely! It’s difficult when you are fairly certain that they didn’t mean to parent in that way, not to blame yourself and feel guilty. What matters is your feelings now about it – to quote my own therapist!
        I think you need A to validate all of this for you. You have been vulnerable with A before and you can be again. Sending you open therapy session vibes x

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