I’m going to need help here. Some perspective. Please.
I wrote my brother back. I wrote him an email – very fact based. Very factual. I listed the things he has said and done in the last two months – what he has told me. I explained to him that although he seems to think our disagreements are meaningless, that it has all added up. That being related to me does not entitle him to be a part of my life and that it especially does not give him the right to insult me when he disagrees. I reiterated that he has asked me to stay away three times in two months (I have not responded any of those times), and to forget he exists. I have done those things and respected his wishes, and stopped communicating. However he is mad at me now, for not wishing him a Merry Christmas. I told him I was done, that I am no longer accepting communication from him in any form. That he is not welcome in my life as long as he is unwilling to solve disagreements in a respectful manner. I ended it by hoping that he respects my wishes the way I have tried to respect his. I do say that I do not need him to agree with my decisions, and that I am no longer going to change who I am for him.
I needed to tell him I was cutting him off. I needed him to know that I was doing it and to know why. I kept it fact based. I had three friends edit it. It is me framing what he has said to me previously, word for word, and then giving my (very legitimate) reasons for saying that I am done.
His response – is crazymaking to me. I honestly have no idea what to do with it. Part of me knows it is textbook – he’s shoving all of it back on to me, needing to have the upper hand, putting me in the place I’ve been my whole life – the “rightful” place I belong, according to him. He isn’t used to me being anywhere else. I feel sad for him, a very small part of me feels sad for him. But there is another, maybe stronger part, tonight, that believes him. Here it is, word for word. I don’t even know what to think about it.
Literally scanned over this and sensed the melodrama/egotism/inability to actually see one’s self for who they are, so, I’m done too kiddo.
You’re such a victim, aren’t you?
I guess you haven’t done anything in your life that was mean, hurtful, insulting, or rude to me.
But, hey, write me a message from a proverbial high horse that your therapist enables so you can feel some semblance of fulfillment while you continue to pretend to be something you aren’t, perpetually.
Again, I’m not upset that we aren’t communicating – to think that is simply you feeding your needy ego.
I actually kind of dread having to confront this/deal with this, given I think you’re someone who is incapable of actually changing.
In reality, I emailed you because I don’t want you calling <niece> your niece, given you have no relationship with me.
They are not a part of your life if I am not.
So, don’t worry about emails/contacting me/etc.
To imply you ever tried to “change” as a person is pretty insane.
I never expected you to “change” for me, also – I just expected you to have some modicum of balance in your opinions in arguments (which clearly you are incapable of).
So, this is really goodbye.
And I am so, so much better off because of it.
See you in 25+ years at a funeral or something!
Sit on the other side.
It is so many things. It is dismissive (literally scanned over this), and it is demeaning (kiddo). I hear the taunting scorn in his voice as he asks me about being a victim. I never said I didn’t do anything wrong, I played a role, I have hurt him. But only, ever, after he hurt me first. He blames A, which gets me all riled up (your proverbial high horse your therapist enables). He implies that I can’t be fulfilled without him – I HAVENT MESSAGED HIM ANYTHING IN MONTHS. I’m feeding my needy ego? With what, his fucking abuse? They have a choice about being in my life or not, he does not control what they do. He calls me insane. He says I’m incapable of thinking of him.
He accuses me, of all I accuse him of. And my parents.. god, my parents. Who knows what tomorrow will be.
A part of me knows this is a textbook narcissist response to me putting my foot down and putting up boundaries. But the other part of me just believes that I am an utter, fucking, failure.
Help. It is taking everything in me to not harm myself tonight. I knew it would be hard. I did not know that it would be this fucking hard.
I hate him. I hate him so much.