First I want to thank you all for your comments yesterday… posting what I did was surprisingly more vulnerable feeling than I thought it would be and caught me a little off guard, if I’m being honest.
I haven’t had a drink for two days now, but I go through periods of time like this on and off so I’m not counting my chickens but I guess it’s something. I also managed to hurt my wrist today somehow… Life.
I ended up confiding in my two best friends out here about the alcohol situation, the reality of it – Lu and Owner1 (who we are going to start calling Dave cause the guy deserves a name). It was my normal morning after apology and Dave was like “no, don’t worry it was funny.” (The texts, not the suicide stuff – which he didn’t know about yet – for the record). And I was like “I can’t think of it as funny anymore I really scared myself. I have a problem.” And he went “then I support you in whatever way you need.”
He was out skiing but asked if he could call later to check in. And I’m glad he did cause the conversation really helped me out. I told him about what I found on my phone and he was like “whoa. That must have been unsettling.”
Me: I am a mess.
Dave: You’re a wonderful mess.
Me: *slightly taken aback by the compliment.* Thank you.
Me: I feel like a lesser person.
Dave: You and I both know thats bullshit.
Me: I scared myself.
Dave: Good. I think it’s good it scared you.
Dave: It means that that isn’t a normal thing for you anymore. The pendulum has swung so far in the opposite direction that that behaviour is scary because it is now so outside of the norm. Don’t you see? The fact that it was scary is a sign of progress. Before, that was normal for you. Thinking of suicide is now no longer the norm.
Me: Holy shit. (The importance of this didn’t sink in until after)
Dave: I’m not just another pretty face.
Me: I still feel like a burden, a mess, and like the fact I need help is all my fault.
Dave: That’s like saying you’re responsible for it raining right now. When in fact you’ve found yourself in this weather – and you’re coping – you’ve put up your umbrella, zipped your rain jacket, and gathered your resources. Its okay that it’s raining right now. Plus anyways, little sprouts need rain to grow.
These difficult changes, the scaring myself, they’re actually progress. It’s amazing what a good friend and perspective can do. The fact that finding the suicide information on my phone scared me is growth. And I’m clinging onto that as a positive today.
So many other things are going on – I am realizing how much alone time I need, I am facing all these appointments, I had another phone call with my Mom, the weirdest dream ever where I took home a bronze Olympic medal that I think is significant, and realizations about that teenage part of me. But my wrist hurts so I’m out for now – I’ll do my best to address everything later. This little sprout and I need our mental health sleep.