Dismissed

My husband and I haven’t been communicating very well lately, if at all. And we are fighting, and it’s so hard because anything he says hits a raw nerve for me right now.

It hurts. And it doesn’t entirely hurt because of the present. 

For example, I was trying to tell him how I felt a few minutes ago and I said “we haven’t been communicating very well lately, and most of that is me, but…” And he slammed the door and left the room. 

To be fair to him, he had just told me he couldn’t talk about this because I’m always making him the bad guy but I was trying to fix it… And he should have reiterated his point and then left, but he dismissed me. He shut the door and walked away without hearing a word I had to say. As if I didn’t speak at all. This wouldn’t resonate so much if I wasn’t already feeling super vulnerable. If not being heard wasn’t already one of my top triggers and reminiscent of my childhood.

Sometimes I feel like there’s no negotiating allowed in my relationship and to be fair to him it’s because I haven’t tried for ten years. And now I want a say and I’m putting up boundaries and for him that has to feel really destabilizing – everything I’m doing when I ask for something a certain way or refuse to let a conversation just die is so different from the PD he has known for a decade – that’s not a short amount of time. 

And I don’t know if it’s me changing or him changing or if it’s the changes in me that are leading me to be more of someone who challenges him or the stress of life in general but I come home and don’t really want to be with him right now. I don’t want the relationship we have. 

And it’s in these times I seek out other empathetic and sensitive men or guy friends to hold me emotionally because I am incapable of doing it myself and he’s clearly not doing it right now… But is he wrong to want a break?

I don’t know. I do know that he knocked something very raw by simply leaving the room like that and that I don’t want to be around him right now – at all. It feels like everything is a fight. 

I need time to myself. I need space. I need to leave for a bit. 

Update: he feels like he has been really patient and understanding and he is trying but these things take time. And I feel like an angry asshole who is taking out my shit on him without truly communicating. Thoughts welcome.

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4 thoughts on “Dismissed

  1. Oh PD. I’m sorry. One of my top triggers is not feeling heard, as well. And I have a husband who zones out, walks away, picks up his phone while I’m talking. I get it. Sadly, I don’t have a solution.

    I feel like I could have written this post. Therapy and my changing has drastically changed my marriage, and it’s hard. I don’t really want the marriage I have right now either. I do want my hubby. I just want things to be different. It’s one of the big reasons I wanted couples therapy for us. Is that an option for you? It was scary and hard to go but I do feel like it was helping (hubby sort of quit though…đŸ˜«).
    Anyway. I just wanted to say I get this, and that you have written some really good things here. There is a lot of information in this post about your reactions and what is going on.

    Sending hugs. đŸ€—

    Like

  2. Take some space for yourself. Take care of yourself. Noticing what’s going on, why you feel the way you do and the nerve that he hit, that doesn’t seem like doing much, but it is. To make a change, we need to first notice what’s going on for us.

    Liked by 2 people

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