I feel too.

I have been trying to (safely) get in touch with some memories and the teenage me. I read through an old diary tonight. Apparently I’ve read through it several times before. There are notes from 21 year old me written in, folded down corners from another pass through, and notes from 26 year old me (I dated all my notes).

I wanted to publish this entry here… I think it’s when I finally gave up. I’m 16, and Mr. S is the guidance counselor at my school who I am confiding in. I’ve asked my Mom if she will go meet with him with me, apparently. I remember him encouraging me to ask for what I need from her – in a calm and non accusing way. I remember asking for a lock so my brother would stop barging in my room, hitting me (apparently according to this journal), and just simply messing with my stuff. I remember saying something like “I am getting older and I would like a lock to guarantee me some privacy.”

I’m going to warn you that this isn’t the prettiest entry in the world – it may be uncomfortable solely for me, but I feel like I have to warn you just in case. 

Friday, April 22, 2005

I’m these things according to my Mom

– judgemental
– exaggerator 
– insecure
– selfish 
– stupid 

Thanks Ma!

Mr. S wants to meet with both of us. I don’t want him to call her. It’s not going to make things any better… She told me just now that I’m overreacting because I asked for a lock for my bedroom door because ‘he hardly ever comes in here’.

Well.. HE SHOULDNT BE IN HERE AT ALL.

She goes “if it makes you feel better I’ll buy you a fucking lock for your door.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 

IM LOSING IT. I’m losing it, I’m losing it, I give up, I’m losing it, I’m losing it, I’m losing it, I gave up, I’m giving up, I’m giving up, I’m losing it, I’m losing it, I’m giving up.

I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I’m so mad and angry and vicious and hurt and I hurt inside, I hurt inside, make it go away… Please someone make it go away. I hurt so much I’m sad and alone and no one loves me and I hate the sarcasm and the lies the anger. I can’t get away from the hurt it’s so big I can’t do it anymore I give up I give up I give up I give up I don’t need this I can’t deal with it it’s always my fault. 

GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE

I’m never happy here you don’t love me, I hate this GO AWAY.

I’m not this strong I can’t deal. I’m lonely I’m unhappy I’m depressed and no one notices no one takes the blame it’s all my fault. I’m irresponsible and rude and selfish and childish and little and you don’t care and you don’t care and you don’t care and you don’t care, you don’t care. I can’t believe you I’m sorry I’m a burden but you don’t care. 

Don’t call it will make things worse it will make things worse it will it will I hate you I hate you you suck you mother fucking bitch I don’t like you you’ve made me lose feelings I don’t feel anymore. I’m so sad so sad so so so so so so so sad. 

No one listens no one listens or cares about how I feel.

I FEEL TOO AND NONE OF YOU CARE.

I don’t know what to do I’m so lost and alone and scared… so scared come back mommy, come back mommy, mommy please come back. Daddy please notice Daddy please notice Daddy please take notice. <brother> be normal, <brother> be normal, please <brother> be normal. 

I DONT WANT A HUG RIGHT NOW. I DONT LOVE YOU RIGHT NOW. YOU HAVE HURT ME FOR THIRTEEN YEARS AND NOBODYS EVER STOPPED YOU OR APOLOGIZED. 

You can’t call for her Mr. S. She wont come.

She won’t. 

She doesn’t really care.

After all, you’re only supposed to help me with school. That’s what she says.

“Why are you telling him family things. They’re private. He’s a guidance counselor not a therapist.” 

FINE. You don’t know you STUPID BITCH.

I hate my life, my so-called friends, my absent family, and my empty heart. I want to find peace… please.

God? Is anyone ever going to listen to what I have to say? 

I want someone to love me so blatantly I feel whole again… please, or I’m going to lose my mind. 

PS – her idea of goodnight is telling me to not make myself miserable. Because im obviously miserable of my own accord. “It’s so fun for you to be miserable.” FUCK OFF MOM.

That is 16 (almost 17) year old me. 

I read that and hear a girl in incredible pain. I forgot about Mr. S, actually. I remember him helping – or trying. Then he said my name wrong at graduation… and I was so hurt by that.

Most of what is in this journal I don’t remember. I can’t access the pain described here – but this is the time I started cutting, and I was already lying – there are intricate plans. I mention being numb, alone, missing time. There is so much in this one journal (and there are 8 more) that indicate a pretty traumatic and unstable childhood.

I can’t identify with it. I’m so separate from it. But there is no denying that this is the pain I’ve been running from for so damn long. It’s the pain I forget about over and over again. 

But I can’t deny it’s existence. It’s there, in my 16 year old handwriting. 

PS – I never got that lock.

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21 thoughts on “I feel too.

  1. I feel so sad for teen PD. This is all so much, so many really big yucky feelings. I also wanted you to know I understand the difficulty with knowing that this was emotional abuse, but it being so hard to be mad at your parents because you know that they didn’t mean to cause harm and they love you . That doesn’t take away the hurt you suffered. You were right when you said it’s complicated. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is so raw. Your teen self was obviously really strong – being able to get up and go on with everyday life with this kind of intense all-consuming pain buried inside her – but she also so desperately needed to be protected and cared for. I’m so sorry you were so alone with all of that pain.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, so much Rea, for your comment – also for pointing out how strong that teen part of me is. I’m sorry too, because I am paying for it now – but at least I’m learning from it and growing. Thank you ‚̧ԳŹ

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    • Right? I think that’s the answer to your question from yesterday. She just wants to be heard/seen and doesn’t believe that anybody is legitimately going to do it. Because there are instances where they say they’ve heard her but nothing changes. Eventually she simply stops trying – around this point in my life.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It seemed like the answer to me too. Maybe she wants to be listened to, unconditionally, without having to reciprocate for it or earn it. And she wants proof that she’s listened to, by seeing that things change.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yea it’s hard when they don’t know thats what it is though – like that’s my issue is I know they didn’t mean to do it and are dealing with their own struggles – like I know they love me so it’s really hard to be angry sometimes… Cause they have good intentions as parents just aren’t capable because of their own lack of development which isn’t their fault like it isn’t mine. You know? It’s complicated.

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      • But not knowing why or knowing that they didn’t intend it to be that way doesn’t change the fact that it happened and how you have suffered as a result. H told me, when I said that it must be something in my dad’s past which made him essentially ignore me, that I will never know the reasons and can only deal with how I feel about it. Making excuses for them is blaming yourself. It’s not your fault. It’s horrific treatment whatever the reasons. It’s difficult not to be loyal to your parents and take the blame though. x

        Liked by 1 person

      • I completely understand what you’re saying – but I let go of the idea of justice through my anger a long time ago, it wasn’t serving me or the parts of me that need so much love. I don’t agree that making excuses is the same as blaming myself but I do see myself making excuses. I don’t blame myself, but I can’t blame them either – doesn’t change the end result though. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry you went through all this. It makes sense that you would run away from all those feelings. I used to keep a journal, but after two occassions of my dad “discovering” it even when I hid it so carefully, I burned all the pages and never wrote one again.

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    • Thanks Rayne. Yea this isn’t the one that my Mom found but she did find some. What’s messed up is like a page later I’m back to clearly being a robot “everything is fine and amazing and my life is great” – other than this one entry it’s all surface stuff about boys, etc.. you have to look really hard to find the tidbits of pain but they’re there.

      Liked by 1 person

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