What a day

I feel like since last week, I’ve been really influenced by this teenage part of me I’ve kind of reconnected with…  it’s been difficult – this part of me is angry. And hurt. And suicidal – it wants to be seen and heard but runs away from anybody who is willing to see and hear her. She wants stability but doesn’t believe it’s possible. She’s a flirt and a pretty master manipulator – and she lies. Lies have been coming out of my mouth before I realize them and I’m stuck on damage control. Not to mention today has been so rough – client crises both personal and professional, the hospital appt to return the Holter, opening the office at 7am, leaving at 6pm, bouncing out to do a presentation in between, not eating properly, going the wrong way on transit a total of 4 times and then having a car share crisis. And now a bank appt where my financial future hangs in the balance.

Since my post last Friday, I haven’t touched alcohol. I am honestly too afraid of what would happen if I did. Last Friday terrified me – that really hurting and angry part of me does not want to be alive – and it’s those memories of being a teen that are coming up. 

I largely think that this is because, mentally, I’ve found what I needed as a child. I feel loved and cared for in many areas of my life to the point where I can mentally see child me being loved by Lu or Dave or my husband or A. That’s four more people than I’ve ever had in my life who genuinely love me and have proven it despite my efforts to push them away. They all know my secrets. So now the future looks brighter and stable which terrifies this other part of me.

I told Lu and Dave and my husband about the real reason I’m not drinking – chances are if I do I’m with one of them and they all know what to look out for right now. They all know what to do to help and why I am behaving the way I am. With my other friends I’ve been using this heart adventure as a crutch and excuse. Saying I’m not drinking due to heart problems is non negotiable. 

I don’t want to tell A about this – or rather, part of me doesn’t want her to know about what’s been happening. The suicide notes and list of reasons I should die are still on my phone because I don’t know what to do with them. I also think going over that list and challenging it would be helpful. I’m afraid of her admitting me despite the fact that when I am not drinking I feel fine and in control, for the most part. Nothing as extreme as last Friday.

I wrote this to A, to give to her at our late session tomorrow. I’d love any thoughts you have. Thank you all for your undying support and love. The adult part of me can use the assist right now. 

A,

It’s been an interesting week. I’m okay, in terms of current life events, but I managed to give myself a scare last Friday and have been kind of trying to deal with the emotional turmoil of that since. 

I need to talk about that with you. And I don’t want to discuss last Friday but it’s really really important that I do. However, I think it’s all related to this part of me – this very real, very hurt part of me that does not trust you or anything else. A part of me that wants safety and reliability and security but is afraid of anything that represents that. 

This part of me is very self destructive, very angry, and very scared. It craves stability but yet wants nothing to do with anybody that represents stability. Because stability has proven itself unreliable time and time again. I believe in leprechauns and unicorns more than I believe in the idea that life can and should be stable. And for the first time – the future, especially if I keep working with you – is forecasted to be stable.

This is what I do when I edge closer to normality – this self destructive part emerges and tries to get ahead of the game, wreck things for everyone else before they can mess things up for me or blindside me. This part of me doesn’t like you or what you represent in my life. It doesn’t want to be here. It hates my husband and tests his patience. It is defiant and scared and very much like an angry teenager who is tired of being forced to be perfect and getting nothing in return. In fact, I have felt very much like a teenager the past week.

I really really really want to lie to you. I’ve been sprouting lies left right and center for a week, from things that don’t matter to massive things. It wouldn’t be surprising if lying to you was in that pile. It’s been automatic and hard to catch. But I think it all relates back to this really angry, teenage-esque part of me. Lying because I don’t feel like I have a right to this pain that I’m in. Lying because it is easier to have a surface relationship that I’m in charge of and directing than anything else. Lying because it’s safer in some ways – if things go wrong, well, not like it was real. Lying because this part of me feels unheard and like it doesn’t matter.

And it sounds stupid but it felt like when I mentally gave you little me to hang out with it was like it made room for this angrier, scarier, older part of me that I have zero experience with. I was never an outburst-y type of teenager or young adult – I repressed so much – and I feel like it’s all coming back now. It’s like I initially needed to spend time believing a stable future was possible and being nurtured in the belief I matter – and the closer I get to believing that the more scared I am. That sounds so stupid to me, but feels accurate.

I scared myself last Friday, and I need to talk to you about that. I can’t forget about that or let anything eclipse it. But I think its all very related to this part of me, and in fact, I went searching through old journals to see if I could find the answer. And I have that to share with you too. I think it is very related to what’s going on – this very real, very hurt part of me that doesn’t trust me or you or anything else. And it feels complicated and layered and confusing. This part of me wants to be cared for, heard, and seen, it wants reliability and stability, but it runs from anything that even remotely represents that. 

Because a stable life feels like the biggest joke in the world. It doesn’t exist. Stability means that there is about to be a blindside. Stability is when the worst things happen. Stability can’t be something we allow in our life because stability and reliability equals certain pain. At least if I start the period of instability, by lying or something else, I’m the one in control. I’m not just waiting for what’s next. 

I’m going to do my best to work through this and work with you, but it feels incredibly vulnerable… But I am here, and I’ll do my best to really show up today. Because the adult part of me doesn’t want to give up this time.

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9 thoughts on “What a day

  1. You did have quite a day. I admire your vulnerability (in your letter with A) and willingness to keep at it, even if this is all very, very difficult, with no clear end in sight. Continuing on, following your instincts, continues to serve you so well.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you have shared this with the important people in your life PD. I can relate to the stability thing. I can function when I have to fix things. Keeping on top of your mental health and working full time is difficult. A lot of people don’t do it. Anyway, sharing with A means that she can tap into the teenage PD and soothe her to perhaps. You can do it xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m very glad that you’ve been able to stay away from alcohol and I’m proud of you for not drinking. Using your heart as a crutch… I mean, yeah, it is, but it is also true and a very good reason not to drink. So I think it’s okay. I’m glad you told Lu, Dave, and your husband why you aren’t drinking; you have a nice support system in place.

    Liked by 1 person

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