I’ve slept properly now for three days in a row and my God what a massive difference that has made in my mental health and well-being. I am starting to feel whole again. I think A also, somehow, managed to connect with that angry inner part of me to the point where I don’t feel so alone. There were a few thoughts of leaving her that arose but I’ve acknowledged them and explained to myself why that’s a bad idea. That we have to trust her when she says she is staying.
I have no idea what is happening with the letter to my husband from my Mom and his response. I called her Friday and she didn’t bring it up once… So I didn’t either because I can tell she’s actually trying to not have me involved. I’ll take it. I do love her, and if we can talk and have our relationship go well I have to realize that I don’t always need to know what’s going on elsewhere… Because it feels weird to me to not spend the time talking to my Mom on the phone simply listening to stories about other people.
Every time something catches my breath or knocks me a little bit or I stop and start to panic about the what-ifs I pause and remind myself to deal with the now. If anything else comes through we will figure it out. I ask myself “what is the current situation? Do my emotions match?” There is a time for dealing with the past emotions and while I will happily let them run their course and not dismiss them, the time for analyzing them is in therapy with A.
I don’t have to do this alone.
This has helped me to enjoy more this past few days. I had movie night with my husband on Friday and kept reminding myself where I was and that I was safe and to simply enjoy being with him. Yesterday I was out with Dave and another friend at a craft show and managed to cast aside worries and simply enjoy being out with them.
I’ve realized that living with these emotions from the past doesn’t mean I have to feel them all the time. I shouldn’t dismiss them and I need to make room for them, but that doesn’t have to be immediately and the processing of why they exist can happen in therapy. It has made for a calmer week. I feel like I’m closer to being on my own side again.
And I’m grateful. Mainly for our healthcare system. People complain that they couldn’t have a healthcare system like we do in Canada because of wait times. I went to the hospital on the 25th of November and will have had 4 tests and 3 cardiologist meetings by the end of December, likely with next steps and a diagnosis. All of this is free for me (minus taxes) and not because of my insurance through work. I was looking up what this would cost me in the US and it’s almost $20,000 without co-pay and $3000 with. So colour me extremely grateful this month.
I’m not a huge fan of the holidays this year. Normally I have the tree up but everything with my family has kind of thrown a wrench into my plans. It’s okay though, I’m going to proceed as if things were normal. My brother cut me off not the other way around. He’s getting a card, their little girl is getting a gift, and I’m going to possibly include my letter I wrote to him (that’s for Thursday’s A appointment).
I can only control what I do and I can only deal with the now.