My mood was fine yesterday – good, in fact. And then my mom emailed my husband back.
I didn’t have to work hard to find the trigger, it was right in front of me, on a mobile phone screen. It wasnt even bad. Actually, I’m not sure. My sense of perspective is so off. I asked my husband to tell me when she emailed back and that was fine but then he shared his opinion of it and I’m so conflicted. I want him to forward it to me so I can dissect it – and he won’t – but I want that email. He says I will obsess over it. He’s right. He’s regretting BCCing me on his response to the initial email. He should. I am obsessing.
How is it that she’s behaving right now? When did she figure that out, how to behave? And why now and why not then? Part of me wants to be like, really Mom? You figured out how to not involve me in your problems now? Thanks. Now I know you’re fucking capable of it – would have been great as a god damn child to know that my Mom had this shit under control. Way to be, Mom. Way to adult. She isn’t doing what I expect her to do here – which is terrifying parts of me that don’t know what comes next. I’ve expected to be shit on twice and instead she’s being nice and not bringing up my husband and we are having a separate relationship but this is a joke right – or a setup – where’s the god damn other shoe. WHERE?
My uncertainty and emotional instability and desire to quit and be brought along for the ride and not have emotions stems from my lack of control in this situation. I want control. It is how I stay safe. Them having this conversation without me is weird and upsetting and is going to lead to problems I’m going to have to clean up because I ALWAYS have to clean up these problems.
An image popped into my head this morning of me trying to keep a house together. Pieces keep falling down – plaster off the walls – of this room I’m in. And I can’t keep them up. And I’m running back and forth trying so hard to keep things together until I am simply sitting in the middle of the room, plaster falling around me and in my hair, giving up. And A is patiently sitting there, gently removing chunks of plaster from my hair, even as I’m screaming at her to leave me alone.
I have worked for years to protect someone (my mom?) from hurt and now everything is coming out – I have worked for years to keep things in order. Things are done a certain way – it’s how the balance is kept. But my husband doesn’t play by the rules. The rules are how everything stays okay and it’s how I stay safe. And now my stupid husband has to go and tell her how it is. And I SYMPATHIZE with my mother. Here is my husband saying “your daughter is hurting and you’ve never heard a word she says” and I’m feeling sorry for my Mom – yesterday I wanted to apologize for my husband – my instinct is to own his behaviour as my own. My instinct is to say:
“Mom I’m so sorry for husband’s message and his behaviour it’s absolutely unacceptable and I’m so sorry I feel so guilty – know that I love you and I’m here for you and would absolutely choose you over him. You aren’t alone and I would never abandon you and I’m so sorry that he has said any of that none of its true you’re a wonderful Mom.”
WTF SELF. ACTUALLY. WTF.
I am trying to take responsibility for this the way I took responsibility for anything my brother did that upset her. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Logically I’m on my husband’s side. Emotionally I’m a fucking wreck. And as much as I love that man he does not understand emotions. He listens and he holds me but he doesn’t understand why this is difficult – if I understand the logic of something why I get emotional about it. He’s simply decided to no longer share with me which upsets me more because now I have no idea what’s going on and how do I keep her safe if I don’t know what the threat is.
There are so many layers to this. So much complexity. My instinct to protect my Mom, my desire for control, not even thinking about myself or my own needs or what I want in this situation. My complete inability to separate now from then emotionally.
My immediate withdrawal from life and grasping at straws to control something, especially other intimate relationships in my life. Withdrawing from those who support me. Faking my way through life. Cutting off Lu and Dave and anyone else who tries to get too fucking close. Leaving A.
It’s all connected. I’m not sure how but I don’t really care to know. I don’t want to do the work, but I don’t want to be feeling the way I did yesterday either. So I just pretend I don’t have feelings.
This is familiar. I know how to be here. I have control when I’m here.
I just need them to play by the rules and fight by the rules – I need to understand this and be able to categorize it. Why aren’t they following the rules.