I quit

I’ve decided that trying is the stupidest thing I could be doing. It’s not like I’m getting anywhere. I have to stop seeing A for financial reasons, at least for January. I have an out of control credit card bill that needs paying down and I can’t be adding her $900 to it each month so I have to quit. 

It’s the reality of the situation. 

And I’ve convinced myself it’s for the better. We cut her off before she cuts off us. It’s not like anybody really, truly cares. Its easier to isolate. It’s easier to be alone. 

I’m tired of crying and I’m tired of feeling. I need to be the stoic, unwavering, steady mass of atoms I was before this – unfeeling and productive. Numb. Numb is safe. I quit feeling, I quit trying, and I quit therapy. 

I quit.

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21 thoughts on “I quit

  1. Thank you for telling me it’s okay Rea. And for your kind words. I have grown a lot in a short period and I’m wondering if maybe a therapy break is a good idea right now to give myself some rest.

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  2. I agree with the others who have been far more eloquent than I can be!
    The financial side sucks but it’s for a reason. Good therapy is expensive.
    I do think that something has triggered this but that’s your business. The love and support you are getting from A, your husband and friends is what you should have had all along. Stoicism will only last for so long.
    Ethically A can’t stop you from stopping therapy but she will probably do her best. Please email, text or write a letter to her if you can.
    You deserve to enjoy a new life with your husband. We’re all here for you. Sending love xx

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  3. A loves you, PD. She’s not going to leave you. I hear you’re scared and tired and maybe pissed off about your family and the finances and burying that under numbness, and that’s such an okay place to be in. You’ve had a lot to deal with and a lot of growth in a short period, and growth is painful.

    I believe in you and I have seen over and over again how resilient you are, and I can’t imagine you quitting. But if you need to quit for a bit, that’s okay. I’ll sit in the gutter with you with our arms folded glaring at passersby, and we can kick rocks together.

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  4. I completely understand the financial decision, but also I’m sure that underneath all that fear and pain you’re feeling right now part of you knows that you have made enormous progress and that A and everyone else are fully behind you and will support you in whatever way they can, even if it means stopping therapy for some time. I hope that rather than quitting in a way that feels like punishing yourself, you can have at least one termination session where you and A can make a plan that marshals all of that other support in a concrete way. Would it be any help if you got A to write a letter to you going over the progress you’ve made while you’ve been in therapy with her, and spelling out her positive regard for you? It might feel fake and stupid at first, but it would be something of her to hold onto afterwards. Hugs from me xx.

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    • It would be a good thing to have. What I think I’m going to do is give myself at least one session in January. Maybe two. Something concrete to hold on to. Hugs gratefully accepted and returned xx

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  5. I echo Rachel, and I know that A cares. The fear that she will leave you is very real. Finances are also unfortunately very real. And yet I know that is something that A wouldn’t want to get in the way of your relationship. I hear your distress PD, know that I am thinking of you and sending love.

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    • I know she cares too. We talked about it. We talked about how she would never suddenly leave me but also that she knows I can’t believe that right now… maybe ever. This is when Em left me, after her Christmas break. And this is the first therapist I’ve had since then… Connection?

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  6. I’m also wondering if this is sort of a rebound from the positive feelings from earlier; often, when I feel secure and grateful and very much in my “adult” space, there is a backlash from the defense mechanisms of pushing away, shutting down, feeling not okay and deeply ashamed. Because being okay, things being okay (I get that the finances SUCK and therapy being so expensive SUCKS and is STRESSFUL) elicits the parts of me that will offer seemingly compelling reasons to shut it down, shut down the attachment feelings, the wanting to be close, the need, the younger parts.
    Maybe this isn’t happening for you. But if it is, just wanting to offer this reflection. That this likely is multi-faceted, the fear, the shutting down, etc.
    Sending support and care to you, PD. It sounds like you are really scared right now.

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  7. Well PD, I know how you may be feeling right now, being in a similar situation myself (without therapy).

    It’s probably not a bad decision to take a break. If you ever want to pick it up again, there’s always that option.

    Hope you’re doing ok, hugs.

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  8. People do care. I care, A cares, your husband, Lu, Dave, all your readers care.
    This decision to quit, how much of it is because of finances versus being afraid that she will leave?
    It sounds like you are really, really afraid that A will leave. Terrified. And that’s really okay, it’s understandable, and I would imagine, it’s part of the process.
    Did something happen today that’s triggering what seems like really intense feelings?

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