I relish long mornings in bed, and Saturdays where I have no commitment to a schedule, to anybody but myself.
We were supposed to go out last night to a party that Dave was throwing, but my husband was too hungover from the night before and honestly I didn’t want to go alone. I’m OK if I drink with him around, but didn’t want to chance it alone. Additionally, I don’t really trust myself around Dave right now, for a variety of reasons.
I’m watching Hallmark Christmas movies and writing wedding thank you cards. I’ve called my grandma. I’ve cleaned up the kitchen and baked gingersnaps. I’m relatively on top of my personal clients and I’ve texted my girlfriends to check in and see how they are.
Is this what normal feels like? I have had brief moments of anxiety (like do I write my brother a thank you card and what do I put in it if so) but nothing overwhelming. Nothing chaotic. Nothing derailing. I have been firmly rooted in the present today, firmly rooted in the present as an adult.
Later I will have a bath. I will probably eat dinner. I will likely go to bed early and maybe even still put up the Christmas tree.
I haven’t freaked out today or thought about the work that needs to be done and I haven’t been interupted by thoughts of past events. I have had moments of emotion – missing my grandmother, upset about family relationships, but they haven’t stayed to be obsessed over. They haven’t occupied more than the space that they are worth. I have acknowledged them, accepted them, and moved through them.
And it’s new. And it’s scary. And it’s kind of nice. Is this what normal feels like?