I hate Christmas this year.
The ‘this year’ part is important. I don’t always hate Christmas. In fact, I love it. I am the first to put up the tree and the first to get excited and basically as of November 12th I’m all LETS GO!
I can’t sort out my feelings.
I was avoiding putting up our tree. I couldn’t figure out why. Everything feels so disconnected. I finally got my husband to help me get the boxes yesterday and put it up this afternoon. But all it did was make me cry. I have a box of ornaments my Mom labelled for me – and most of them aren’t even what would be considered mine. She doesn’t even know which ones are mine. It’s also just so hard seeing her handwriting and feeling so caught in the middle. Then there are my husband’s that were sent by his Mom in neat boxes – and none are missing. I have some of my grandma’s old ornaments I stole, so I could have a piece of her, and they made me emotional too.
And my husband didn’t want to decorate today so I did it by myself which just made me have this weird longing for my family Christmas trips to the tree farm where we got apple cider and picked out the perfect tree. When we got home we would all decorate it and sometimes it was 12 feet tall. And we would listen to the same CD each year. And I really missed that.
I saw my massage therapist, R, who hates Christmas and she wished me a tolerable holiday season and I liked that. Let’s just get through this.
Everything seems to be aching with grief right now – I know that the hole opened back up when my husband and I had a long talk yesterday – I cried on him for almost three hours. He hates my family – and I’m not sure I can blame him, but despite his sound reasoning they’re still my family. It’s like he hates a part of me (when I told him that he said he did hate the part of me that isn’t able to stick up for myself but won’t let him do it… Which was unhelpful).
To top it off I got my wedding photos back which is supposed to be this amazing thing – and it was. But he got mad because I wanted to share them on Facebook and all of a sudden me sharing them became the Most Important Thing to me regardless. I swore at him when he refused to look at the photos I wanted to post. And then I’m like do I tag my SIL in? Do I not? Do I pretend they weren’t there?
What was supposed to be a joyful event has been shit on now by so many people that it’s coloured my opinion of it all. And that sucks.
This holiday is full of so much uncertainty. Do I call people who are mad at me? Do I mail the cards I have to my brother and SIL? Do I send my niece a gift? And when I stop and ask myself what I want… well fuck if I know.
I’m sitting on the couch drinking Bailey’s as I write this, generally feeling pretty shitty. To top all of it off, Christmas is the time my last two therapists have left me. They’ve said before the break that they’d see me in the new year, and then called over the break to tell me they were moving or unable to continue their practice as is.
I was a mix between petulant child and rightfully angry adult today. The problem is that when you’ve been acting like a child all day, the valid points you make are no longer heard.