What I Want To Write On Facebook

We are all about fake things in the world. So here is the most real status you’ll ever see from me.

My little brother isn’t speaking to me and every time a picture of us pops up on my news feed I cry. He isn’t speaking to me because he wasn’t a groomsmen despite the fact that he also didn’t speak to us for 8 months of a year prior to our wedding. I pretend I don’t care but I do. Although I can’t tell if I care because I care about him or if I feel the need to keep tabs on everything. Everytime I think about reaching out he contacts my Mom who contacts me and that just makes me mad. Can everyone please mind their own business? Enough with the triangulation.

Each one of these points of contact makes me hyperventilate or have a panic attack like I’m 10 years old again and have done nothing wrong – yet I’m being blamed for it. He deleted me from Facebook. He asked for peace and quiet and to not have any pictures. You can’t have your cake and fucking eat it too.

Speaking of the wedding. I was so excited to get those pictures but that ended as soon as I realized no matter what I did with them I would be shit on. I don’t want people to simply have our photos. I sent them to my Mom which was a mistake but now people are asking her for them instead of speaking to me. Am I really that invisible? Fuck. Fuck all of you. Fuck all of this.

I sent them to him and got this in return “your consideration astounds me.” You know what? I’m done. As far as I’m concerned I don’t have a little brother. He’s dead to me. I’m done playing these games. I’m done being a pushover. And it’s mother fucking freeing. There are so many people in this world who choose me because I’m me. And it’s them – those people – who deserve my attention.

I have no money. I need counseling to deal with attachment trauma and PTSD from my brother being my brother for most of my childhood but I can’t afford it. Meanwhile, my parents pay for my brothers music, his rent, they lend him their car. But when I tried hitting them up for money last month because the reason I’m so fucked up is my childhood they told me I’m the ‘good one’ who doesn’t need therapy. For once, I want to be the bad one. I want to break shit and throw things and fuck up someone else’s life.

Essentially I’m a big broken fucked up mess. If I want to see my counselor I have to freelance. But I’m so fucking tired. I have a heart problem caused by stress.

Fuck it. Fuck this shit.

I spend most of my days convincing myself that quitting isn’t an option that is worth it, or lying in my bed with crippling anxiety and stress. Because I never learned how to stand up for myself.

Too bad. I’m standing up for myself now. Even if everytime I do it I shake for 12 hours and need to sleep and can’t focus. I’m done being walked over. I’m done. And unless he’s seeking reconciliation, I want nothing to do with him anymore.

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14 thoughts on “What I Want To Write On Facebook

  1. Good on you for standing up for yourself PD.
    I hope that I don’t offend you but your mother never fails to shock me with her warped view of things. If your brother is old enough to father a child, he is old enough to get a job and pay his own rent.
    It may come with fear and a little regret perhaps, but you should be proud of yourself. You don’t deserve to be treated in this way. It’s progress however much it makes you shake xx

    Like

  2. My heart hurts for you. Your brother’s behavior and treatment of you is so fucking hurtful. If one of my little brothers did anything remotely close to what your brother is doing/has been doing, I would feel so torn up inside. Big sis, little brother is a special kind of relationship. I am so sorry, PD. I hear the hurt and the frustration and desire to be allowed to be yourself in your family, which isn’t permitted (per the family norms). My heart is with you, it really is.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Rachel. This comment meant a lot – having someone be able to see how hurtful it would be is so helpful. And everyone simply defends him (within our family – there are many outside of it who do not like him at all). I am not allowed to be angry. I am not allowed to be hurt. Well, too bad. I’m choosing to not live by those rules anymore.

      At least my SIL is sane – she messaged me yesterday and basically said she has no dog in this fight and that my niece and her love me and I am welcome to my niece any time because I have only ever treated her with love and respect. So that’s helpful.

      Thank you Rachel 🙂 For everything

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s an emotionally difficult decision to make, cutting ties with a family member, but ultimately it is very empowering to take the position that you will have only one standard for how you will accept being treated by the people in your life. One of the big challenges now is working out scripts to explain your decision to those who need it explained, in a way that reframes the situation from the unhelpful “this is a stubborn/petty disagreement that PD will eventually get over” which you are likely to face from many people, especially other family, to “from now on I will only ever accept mutually respectful relationships”. You’re doing wonderfully.xx

    Liked by 1 person

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