Christmas. 

I woke up this morning and checked Facebook – mistake number one. There are so many pictures of people celebrating the holidays – including my family. 

Then Instagram, and my sister in law has posted a few from the wedding. Which, I gave them the photos. So that’s more than okay. I simply had this intense emotional reaction I didn’t expect.

So I pulled a Rachel (I learn so much from you) and sat with it, trying to figure out where the feeling was coming from. Why did these photos hit such a raw raw nerve. And I think it’s the idea that my family is celebrating without me. That there are moments happening without me. That my sense of belonging has been stripped from me – even if I was the one who asked to be left out. Even though I know my parents would welcome me.

I am afraid of my brother. I have been, apparently, for quite some time. And taking power back and deciding that I don’t want to be there… that I don’t want to be in a relationship of any sort with him… while empowering has been incredibly disarming. I don’t know who I am when I am not behaving exactly as they want me to.

This is a tough year. It’s been a tough Christmas. Lots of opposing thoughts occuring simultaneously – of wanting to be included by not wanting to be there. Of wanting a relationship with my family but being terrified of it. And much much more. 

This is going to be an interesting journey. Thankfully today I didn’t have to navigate the family chatter. My parents cancelled Christmas (which actually shocked me) cause my Dad isn’t feeling well. So there was no group phone call. I don’t feel obligated to answer. 

The fact that I still have choices – that I have power … That is crazy.

I want to wish you all a tolerable holiday – hopefully one that is happy and full of love. You are all incredibly amazing people – don’t doubt yourselves.  Thank you for being here these last four months, when I needed someone the most. 

Our community is something special that I am consistently grateful for.

Xox

Paper Doll

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4 thoughts on “Christmas. 

  1. Grateful for you too PD (and ‘I pulled a rachel’ – love it – I learn so much from her too!) The family stuff is so hard, and i hope you know that you are still loved and valued today and every day. Hugs! 😙

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  2. Happy Christmas PD. Know that you continue to inspire me and I’m with you on your journey even though I haven’t commented or blogged much over the last month.
    You deserve so much happiness, love, respect. YOU matter. Your feelings matter. Your opinions matter.
    I hope 2017 brings you all that you deserve. You are an amazing person. I feel privileged to follow you here on WP.
    Sending so much love xxx

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