I woke up this morning and checked Facebook – mistake number one. There are so many pictures of people celebrating the holidays – including my family.
Then Instagram, and my sister in law has posted a few from the wedding. Which, I gave them the photos. So that’s more than okay. I simply had this intense emotional reaction I didn’t expect.
So I pulled a Rachel (I learn so much from you) and sat with it, trying to figure out where the feeling was coming from. Why did these photos hit such a raw raw nerve. And I think it’s the idea that my family is celebrating without me. That there are moments happening without me. That my sense of belonging has been stripped from me – even if I was the one who asked to be left out. Even though I know my parents would welcome me.
I am afraid of my brother. I have been, apparently, for quite some time. And taking power back and deciding that I don’t want to be there… that I don’t want to be in a relationship of any sort with him… while empowering has been incredibly disarming. I don’t know who I am when I am not behaving exactly as they want me to.
This is a tough year. It’s been a tough Christmas. Lots of opposing thoughts occuring simultaneously – of wanting to be included by not wanting to be there. Of wanting a relationship with my family but being terrified of it. And much much more.
This is going to be an interesting journey. Thankfully today I didn’t have to navigate the family chatter. My parents cancelled Christmas (which actually shocked me) cause my Dad isn’t feeling well. So there was no group phone call. I don’t feel obligated to answer.
The fact that I still have choices – that I have power … That is crazy.
I want to wish you all a tolerable holiday – hopefully one that is happy and full of love. You are all incredibly amazing people – don’t doubt yourselves. Thank you for being here these last four months, when I needed someone the most.
Our community is something special that I am consistently grateful for.