I’m glad to be on the other side of yesterday.
The emotions that have been coming and going over the course of this holiday have left me at times completely overwhelmed, and incapable of communicating my thoughts to my husband. I feel bad. I feel like I’ve ruined the holiday for him. I have no excitement around it – I wanted it to be over with. He said he would rather have me be authentic with my emotions than bury them – burying them was the problem my whole life, wasn’t it? That he would rather know I feel comfortable sharing with him, and being present with him, in whatever state I feel, than to hide from him. So – point one for my life. My amazing husband.
I drank way too much Friday and Saturday – and yesterday was struck by the thought that this was supposed to be my week to reset – so what was I doing ruining it? Honestly, I was coping. I didn’t drink yesterday, but I did blast my way through two bottles of wine and half a container of Baileys in less than 48 hours. I’m not sure what says problem more than the fact that I didn’t feel drunk either time. I had sparkling water with lime yesterday and kept laughing at the fact that I was angry at this glass of sparkling water because it wasn’t alcohol. Excuse me, Mr. Sparkling Water, who do you think you are?!
Christmas was fucking hard this year. The past and present are so entangled, and so enmeshed in my emotions that I’m not sure I’ll ever sort them out. I know that getting kind and loving gifts from my husbands family hurt. I cried when I opened the gift from his Mom, an ornament with the word “daughter” on it, and some lego. It hit such a raw place in my heart. Here is this woman welcoming me into her family as one of her own, somebody who didn’t need to ask for a list of what I’m interested in to get me perfect gifts. The gifts from her didn’t have to be earned. I’ve probably spent a total of 20 hours with this woman in my life, and yet, on some levels she knows me better than my own mother. She sees me – thats what it is. She sees me. She loves me without expectation.
Such a fucking stark juxtaposition.
It is so hard to feel more loved by my husbands family than by my own this Christmas.
My Aunt is mad at us so sent us these token gifts and yet are taking my brother and his family on a cruise. My parents sent us stuff, but divided it, and gave my husband significantly less than normal because they’re fighting. And all I can think of is ‘what did my brother get?’ which is simply a condition of my childhood. Whoever received more at Christmas got the message that they were loved more… you earned your gifts. They were conditional. I didn’t realize, until now, that Christmas was a very real way of keeping score. When it came to my brother, I was always in a competition that I never signed up for. I have always been in that competition, and I don’t know how to withdraw my entry and not play anymore. It isn’t fun to play when you always lose.
My husbands family treats me better than my own. They see me. And that, combined with some realizations (that I will share in coming days) have thrown my life off balance even more than it was before. I can feel the grief swell from within.
Someone important to me, someone who knows what I’ve been through and my most recent realizations – recently wrote me something that really resonated. Seeing this – seeing these patterns and learning more about my past and family and the way things were – it is the path to freedom… but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t fucking hurt.
I’m hurt. I’m hurting. And while its part of healing, I don’t really want it right now. I’m glad Christmas is done with, and I simply want to continue moving on. One day at a time, one session at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Over 300 days until I have to go back to my hometown. That’s a lot of time to figure this out. And we move on.