I need your help

I’m going to need help here. Some perspective. Please.

I wrote my brother back. I wrote him an email – very fact based. Very factual. I listed the things he has said and done in the last two months – what he has told me. I explained to him that although he seems to think our disagreements are meaningless, that it has all added up. That being related to me does not entitle him to be a part of my life and that it especially does not give him the right to insult me when he disagrees. I reiterated that he has asked me to stay away three times in two months (I have not responded any of those times), and to forget he exists. I have done those things and respected his wishes, and stopped communicating. However he is mad at me now, for not wishing him a Merry Christmas. I told him I was done, that I am no longer accepting communication from him in any form. That he is not welcome in my life as long as he is unwilling to solve disagreements in a respectful manner. I ended it by hoping that he respects my wishes the way I have tried to respect his. I do say that I do not need him to agree with my decisions, and that I am no longer going to change who I am for him.

I needed to tell him I was cutting him off. I needed him to know that I was doing it and to know why. I kept it fact based. I had three friends edit it. It is me framing what he has said to me previously, word for word, and then giving my (very legitimate) reasons for saying that I am done.

His response – is crazymaking to me. I honestly have no idea what to do with it. Part of me knows it is textbook – he’s shoving all of it back on to me, needing to have the upper hand, putting me in the place I’ve been my whole life – the “rightful” place I belong, according to him. He isn’t used to me being anywhere else. I feel sad for him, a very small part of me feels sad for him. But there is another, maybe stronger part, tonight, that believes him. Here it is, word for word. I don’t even know what to think about it.

Literally scanned over this and sensed the melodrama/egotism/inability to actually see one’s self for who they are, so, I’m done too kiddo.
You’re such a victim, aren’t you?
I guess you haven’t done anything in your life that was mean, hurtful, insulting, or rude to me.
But, hey, write me a message from a proverbial high horse that your therapist enables so you can feel some semblance of fulfillment while you continue to pretend to be something you aren’t, perpetually.
Again, I’m not upset that we aren’t communicating – to think that is simply you feeding your needy ego.
I actually kind of dread having to confront this/deal with this, given I think you’re someone who is incapable of actually changing.
In reality, I emailed you because I don’t want you calling <niece> your niece, given you have no relationship with me.
They are not a part of your life if I am not.
So, don’t worry about emails/contacting me/etc.
To imply you ever tried to “change” as a person is pretty insane.
I never expected you to “change” for me, also – I just expected you to have some modicum of balance in your opinions in arguments (which clearly you are incapable of).
So, this is really goodbye.
And I am so, so much better off because of it.
See you in 25+ years at a funeral or something!
Sit on the other side.

It is so many things. It is dismissive (literally scanned over this), and it is demeaning (kiddo). I hear the taunting scorn in his voice as he asks me about being a victim. I never said I didn’t do anything wrong, I played a role, I have hurt him. But only, ever, after he hurt me first. He blames A, which gets me all riled up (your proverbial high horse your therapist enables). He implies that I can’t be fulfilled without him – I HAVENT MESSAGED HIM ANYTHING IN MONTHS. I’m feeding my needy ego? With what, his fucking abuse? They have a choice about being in my life or not, he does not control what they do. He calls me insane. He says I’m incapable of thinking of him.

He accuses me, of all I accuse him of. And my parents.. god, my parents. Who knows what tomorrow will be.

A part of me knows this is a textbook narcissist response to me putting my foot down and putting up boundaries. But the other part of me just believes that I am an utter, fucking, failure.

Help. It is taking everything in me to not harm myself tonight. I knew it would be hard. I did not know that it would be this fucking hard.

I hate him. I hate him so much.

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9 thoughts on “I need your help

  1. I’m a few days behind, PD, and just catching up. I think you’ve had some good responses here. Your brother’s letter to you was a very narcissistic response. He sounds so much like my first husband, who used to send me emails and letters accusing me of doing whatever it was that actually he had done. He also told me that I loved to be a victim, that my therapist was against him and was brainwashing me, that no one else would ever love me, that my children would be better off without me, etc. (Look how many similar themes your brother hit.) It’s just crazy lashing out, throwing all kinds of things out and hoping one or more of them will hurt you.

    What he writes is not about you, it’s about him. I’m sure you know that, but it’s important to remind yourself that when narcissists go on the attack.

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  2. I couldn’t agree more with what everyone else has said, and don’t really have anything to add. Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone, and there’s so many people on here who care about you. Sending you love, support and hugs. ❤ xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can only agree with everything everyone else has said here so far, And I would also say that you not only need to protect yourself from your brother, but you need to remind yourself that it’s okay for you to not have contact with him for the sake of your own health.

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  4. Oh, PD…so sorry you are going through this. And sorry I’ve been absent (had my own stuff going on with a toxic person, unfortunately). I have one word for your brother’s response…projection. Please protect yourself from him, and take care of you. You are a kind, sensitive, thoughtful person who does not deserve his crap. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. PD….this was just what he wanted – I am only saying this from experience again. But your response allowed him to again be the victim while upsetting and hurting you. It is such a classic narcissistic response. You, for your own good, need to block him completely from getting to you. You are kind and generous and loving and believe with enough effort on your part he will want/desire to change things and talk about it. He is NOT capable of that. Just as you can’t stop having DID he cannot stop being narcissistic and playing his game. You need to protect you, from his messages, his manipulations, his cruelty. You do NOT deserve this but you can stop it. I understand the hurt and the fear, truly I do, but keeping contact does not provide you safety. You might need to step away from the other relationships you are interconnected in for a bit, but his true colors will show up there at some point when he no longer has you to abuse or manipulate. I am so very, very sorry for how he continues to treat you, but you can stop it. For your sanity and safety, block him from everything and every place he can get in. If family tries to talk about it with you, come from strength and just say it is between you and him only and ask others to respect that. It will prove you are the bigger person in the end.

    This is hard and hurtful PD, but you have such love in your life from so many other people who see and cherish the real you. It might be time to put your energy into those relationships? Please be safe and protect yourself and your heart/psyche…block him from all of you!!!

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  6. It’s so nasty and just not the truth. He is totally passing it back to you. You’re not changing for him or implying that you are perfect. He seems incapable of having a rational, adult relationship. I didn’t know that narcissism could be so extreme. DV explains it well. He has asked you not to talk to him but has reappeared to provoke you. Contradicting himself as DV says.
    Of course you believe it. Feeling worthless is so familiar to you. Being rational, assertive and able set boundaries is still new to you. It’s uncertain. It’s a shame because things don’t have to be like this. You can’t control who or where he is psychologically. I can visualise him sneering at a computer screen and your husband hitting the roof when reading such awful words.
    I hope you can see how ridiculous your brother’s words are and bear no relation to what you must have said to him. It’s extremely difficult to stay out of that old familiar place. Sending love to you PD xx

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  7. Reading his email was really painful, PD. So much negative, toxic emotion in there – I understand why you would want to hurt yourself. This is fucking hard, but you don’t deserve that pain. I second DV’s suggestion of going no-contact for a while and setting things up so that you don’t see any messages from him. It sounds like the point to step away, where engaging any further is going to lead you deeper down the rabbit hole. But I also have so much empathy for the ripple effect this has into the rest of your relationships, with your parents and especially with your niece.

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  8. Hi PD. I have held back a little previously on commenting about your situation because I don’t want to be ‘the girl who wrecks families’ but your explaining about the possibility/probability of NPD changes things a lot. My perspective comes from growing up with a narcissistic mother (not at the extreme end of NPD but still very self-centred, knew no boundaries and was emotionally abusive) and being bullied out of a hobby and losing almost my entire circle of friends due to a mother and son NPD combo where I was afraid of the situation escalating to physical violence or vandalism of my house (I already suspected him of vandalising my car, and a friend told me he had assaulted her child and threatened her but neither of us dared do anything because there was never any proof, everyone believed his version over ours, and any action we took would have escalated things further). Everyone knew what he was like and everyone made excuses for him, including my closest friends. I am also in a support group for daughters of narcissistic mothers, and some of the stories the other women tell are pretty horrendous.

    You cannot make sense of what they say – literally cannot. It is like sticking your brain into a meat grinder. They can contradict something they’ve said or done or written 2 minutes prior and they and their supporters will deny it or appear not to notice. Even when you have witnesses or physical proof. It makes no difference. They will twist everything you say and completely believe their version even when it flies in the face of fact and reason. Everything you say is a provocation. They inhabit an alternate reality, and as it works so well for them they have no reason at all to change. All you can do is protect yourself.

    Some narcissists are only a problem when you’re with them i.e. they don’t actively pursue you once you’re out of sight. They’ll just play the victim and make out that you’ve hurt and abandoned them and they get their narcissistic supply from the attention and pity of those who believe them. Others are vindictive and will pursue you – verbally, physically, financially and legally – because they cannot face not winning and have to destroy you to prove they’re right. Only you can know for sure what you think your brother is capable of, and the extent to which you might need to protect yourself. It may involve simply going no-contact, or it may need to include things as complex as legal intervention (e.g. legal separation of any joint assets and restraining orders).

    It certainly sounds like going completely no-contact at least for a while would help you psychologically. This means not only blocking him on social media (plus blocking any flying monkeys who try to triangulate) but setting up your phone and email to either block, bounce or auto-delete contacts from him before you even see them – if you think that what is written might be legally important, one suggestion I’ve seen is to re-direct emails from that person into a separate folder or even another email address which is monitored by a friend who’s on your side and can hold and/or read them for you but without you having to see the content. As far as you’re concerned, they’re dead or on the dark side of the moon or whatever metaphor works best for you. Once you stop trying to engage them the relief can be immense. I would start by throwing out his reply to your email.

    It sounds as if the most important thing for you is preserving the relationship with your niece to whatever extent you can. I guess if he is legally her guardian then he can stop you having contact, and you would need to think of how you will manage that, but as long as he believes he can use the relationship for the purpose of emotional blackmail, he will.

    You’ve shown amazing insight and strength so far. Best wishes xx.

    Liked by 1 person

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