Fucking Frustrating Session

Awful first session back – and I think it’s all on me. I’m pretty sure it is. I don’t know, honestly. I was doing really well but if I’m being honest, underneath the relief of cutting my brother out of my life has been a whole lot of hurt. 

The more I read his email (which I am doing, obsessively), the more I believe it. I asked A if I was crazy or if it was an awful email and she just looked at me and went “PD, seriously?” And I was like “yes, I am outright asking for your validation here.” And she said “you are not crazy.”

It hurts to not feel like I belong. It hurts to feel excluded. It hurts to creep my brother’s Instagram and see their family getting ready for a trip I was not invited on by my Aunt. 

I kind of feel like to justify my decision I have to prove it was right. Like I have to be strong enough and healthy enough and good enough to be like “look, I’m living now.” A gently but firmly reminded me that that’s still looking outwards, at my parents, in this case, to define who I am and to justify how I feel and to fix things. And as long as I do that (which she says there isn’t anything wrong with and it makes sense) I might as well be running into a brick wall. Because it is highly likely I will never, ever, be seen by them. I used to think committing suicide would get me noticed – but that wouldn’t. Maybe a Nobel prize or stopping the war in the middle East but they would make it their accomplishment or my brother would swoop in and steal it as his own. She mentioned the brick wall again, suggested I’m running into it.

To which I quipped “what if I like that fucking brick wall”

That session was about as useful as salt in a sugar bowl. Which is to say, it wasn’t. We tried to find feelings about what was going on with my brother. And I don’t know if there was too much or if it was too overwhelming but we got basically nowhere. And I was frustrated and yet couldn’t cry (still cant) and I was resisting her and it was like we were back at square one.

She said that it was normal that an email like that would knock me back into this vulnerable place and trigger so much and that before dealing with it I need to fill back up and get back to a grounded place. She also said that she would recommend not torturing myself by reading it because it’s only going to keep me in this upset longer. And to directly quote her: “you’ve been punished enough for one lifetime.”

Essentially I was just mad at her the whole time for probing about what I need to talk about but didn’t want to talk about. And mad at myself for regressing so much and being unable to connect with her. She actually said to me, “PD, if you dont know what to do right now, simply be here with me. This is attachment work. Until you are grounded and here we aren’t going to get very far.”

It was the right choice, I think, cutting him off. I’m legitimately afraid of him and it had come to me or him. I just don’t want to deal with it. I was all caught up in the happy emotions and now I’m stuck dealing with the shit. And I don’t want to deal with the shit.It’s good she knows but I’m just annoyed. And going to see A equals dealing with the shit.

Fuck. That was frustrating.

I know it’s all necessary and I know it’s all coping and I know the resistance is from such a raw place and I know I’m only looking for reasons to hate A right now because that’s the easiest thing to do, externalize this pain. Because she asked me to sit with my emotions and I’m like which fucking one? The relief or rage or fear or empowerment or frustration or desperation or sadness or grief? Which one, A. And by the time we get anywhere it’s time to go and then she’s like “is our session spacing working for you?” And I’m like no but I can’t afford $2000 a month and my parents won’t fucking pay for it because ‘I don’t need it’ and I’m the god damn ‘better child’ so thanks for bringing that up.

And then I’m a yo-yo. I’m almost back in my coping zone. Almost back to behaving like it’s fine and I’m great. And then I want to quit. And God, it’s so fucking frustrating – I feel like I paid $225 for nothing today. I wanted to yell at her and be like why aren’t you on my side!?!? But she firmly is and I can see that if I question my assumptions but it’s like I want her to protect me. 

And then I just get sad cause fuck I could have used someone to protect me then. And she’s right I have no perspective on this from an adult point of view and my brother’s email disoriented me completely and yet I still can’t objectively look at it. And she was like I’m so sorry that behaviour and vitriol was normalized for you. She was like “that email, an email like that, would throw me off balance too” 

What a mess. I know that I would have to go through this fucking process eventually but I’m so mad I went today. I should have not gone.

And it’s unfair. It’s so unfair. It’s buried and I’m so sad. And I can’t cry. And that makes me even angrier. Why can’t it just end when I cut him off? Why can’t I pretend that it never happened? Why can’t I ever be the one who had it easy? Why don’t they see me? And how do I heal, how do I stop faceplanting into this brick wall, if healing doesn’t ever involve them seeing me. 

I came home today and yelled at my husband, and then I worked out and punished myself for whatever reason, and now I’m having a glass of wine. Cause tonight I am all fuck healing. Healing hurts sometimes. Healing fucking hurts right now.

And I feel everything and I feel nothing. And my critical voice is back parroting everything negative we ever believed in my ear.

Well cheers, mother fucker. 

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21 thoughts on “Fucking Frustrating Session

  1. Hi PD, I’m thinking about you and caring about the pain you are in.

    You have already learned so much in therapy, and in a relatively short time. You have learned that your family has a lot of strange stories spinning that require them to avoid seeing the real you. You know their stories are false and that you want to live differently. You have already done so much good work to move in that direction. But it still bothers you that they don’t see you. And just because they aren’t going to change doesn’t make you stop wishing they would. Of course you are still running into that brick wall. That’s so natural. You have a lifetime of emotional patterns that drive you straight in to that wall, over and over.

    But it’s not hopeless. You are smart and intuitive, and you are able to take what you learn in therapy and incorporate it quickly. You will keep on learning, and you’ll find more and more ways to take a turn away before you run into the wall. And you’ll learn ways to run into the wall, but not as hard. And you’l learn ways to comfort yourself after you run into the wall–all these things. So it will get easier, gradually over time.

    It’s a bitch that you can’t just have a moment of strength, cut your brother off, and be fine. I wish for you that it could be that way, but it’s so much more complicated. I have enormous faith in your ability to move forward, to keep learning, and to tend to your understandable pain. And in the meantime, I have so much compassion and caring for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q, this was an incredibly timely and needed comment, so thank you. Reminding myself that I’m not undoing behaviours that were created yesterday feels so crucial. This is years of stuff. It’s going to take years to work through.

      That second paragraph, thank you. I’ll lay a mattress down beneath the wall for all the times I’m bound to fall.

      It is a bitch that this process isn’t simple. And thank you for your faith in me – I so needed that and continue to need it right now. Thank you, Q

      Liked by 1 person

  2. PD. I’m so sorry he continues to hurt you like this and that your session with A was so painful. You have done so much amazing work and at times you need to fall apart again a bit until you can rebuild your reservoir of strength and your coping skills get stronger. That is ok. You have so many wonderful people in your life who know and see the real you, he never will. I agree with the person who suggested you put your energy into those relationships. You deserve real friendship and real relationships. Sending you safe hugs PD.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you ngerbie for the message and safe hugs. It was so painful… and I feel like the next few won’t be much better in terms of pain.. but I really appreciate you validating that it’s okay to fall apart.

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  3. I feel very sorry for what you’re going through at the moment. It sounds like your brother’s email is much harder to deal with now that it might have been in the past precisely because you’ve made so much progress and are challenging your beliefs about yourself, and this is trying to drag you back to where you once were. That feeling you’re getting that maybe what he says is true after all is because narcissists have the same skills as “psychics” for picking up on the tiniest cues, noting your reaction and expanding on that (if you’re interested, look up “cold reading and narcissists”). He’s had years of practice at finding a tiny grain of truth that you can’t deny – or may even have freely admitted in the spirit of being fair and honest – and expanding it into *everything* being your fault. Just because one tiny grain is true doesn’t mean everything is. He is tricking you, and you are a different person now who isn’t going to be fooled. Stay strong and lean on the wonderful people around you who see the best in you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • DV, you hit the nail on the head. It is harder now. I didn’t even think of that. It has dragged me back but I can see it happening and damn if that doesn’t make it more difficult.

      I’m going to look up cold reading and narcissists. This was really helpful – “just because one tiny grain is true doesn’t mean everything is.” Thank you.

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  4. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out the way you wanted PD. The emotions will come. You obviously had to cut your emotions off to be so rational.
    Give yourself time to get back into therapy.
    I also agree with Strong. Focus on your friends and husband who are worth your time. Perhaps delete the email too. Don’t torture yourself because dealing with the feelings is difficult enough x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you smile, and thank you for reminding me to give myself time to get back into therapy. It’s going to be a long and painful journey through this mess… but I am feeling more accepting of that today.

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  5. Wow, this sounds so frustrating and demoralizing :/ *hugs* I am sorry that therapy felt so difficult and pointless for you, but your therapist is right. You aren’t crazy, you aren’t what that email says. That email isn’t even about you , it is about your brothers perception of himself. He needs to lie to himself about who he is, and he can never actually see you while he can’t even see him.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think part of healing might involve who sees you. As in, your parents might never see you and you’ll keep running into he brick wall aiming for that. But what if you can fulfill your need to be seen, but by different people? By people who matter and who care about you.
    I agree with A, you’ve been punished more than enough. You don’t deserve more.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sorry P.D, this sounds so hurful and frustrating. I really hear your anger and confusion. Healing does hurt, but hold on to the fact that it won’t always hurt this much.

    Liked by 1 person

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