Well, shit.

I guess I’m kind of… Unfeeling. 

Things are blah and are happening and I have no motivation. I don’t even want to write this. Standing at a bus stop craving a cigarette I can smell (this blond woman is smoking less than 10 feet from me). It’s a habit I killed a few years ago, but the smell still brings me back.

I know if I didn’t see A I could save $900 a month and afford things I want, like our honeymoon to Hawaii. But if I don’t see her, I mean I’d survive, I always have, but would it be thriving? No. 

My face hurts (temporary crown and post received this morning) and I’m tired. And it’s only Monday. The hole has closed over, I’m no longer open and accessible for A. No longer willing to share my feelings. This is why I wanted to see her Friday. I wasn’t closed off then. 

Well, shit. 

Maybe I’ll cancel.


19 thoughts on “Well, shit.

  1. Gosh, sounds like you’re having a rough go of it lately! I’m sorry all these shitty things are happening to you. Just stick with what you’re doing, and don’t worry about the money. If you can afford something that’s going to make your quality of life a lot better (therapy), don’t feel guilty about taking advantage of it!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Yesterday was the first session with my A (therapist) after a month long therapy break. I’ve been in a major depressive cycle, and wanted to cancel the session. I was thinking about it the whole day. Not wanting to see A, not wanting to talk to anyone. Just wanting to be alone and sleeping through it all. 20 minutes before the session, I started panicking and almost phoned to cancel, but a little part inside stopped me. So I showed up. I didn’t regret it. I told A that I’ve been wanting to cancel all day, and she said that I didn’t cancel, and that shows growth. Whatever you decide, whether to cancel, or whether to go, just please make sure it’s the best decision you can make for yourself. Sending hugs and love.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m going to go against everyone else and say if you want to cancel, it’s fine…
    …BUT only after you show up and talk to her for 5 min at least. If the two of you decide it’s just better for you to go home then so be it (but I doubt that’s what you’ll decide 😉) xx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m gonna echo what everyone else has said: don’t cancel. A will work with you to get back into the hole, if not the first day, then the second. It will happen, you will get there and work through it, but it won’t happen if you cancel.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I needed the two this week and I will the next as well. And then I’ll probably have to take a break. I may see what she says about two days every other week for a while. We will see. Thank you for everything.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. My advice? Don’t cancel. I know it’s so hard to show up. But she can’t help if you aren’t there.

    I hope the tooth feels better; I hate dental work. I’m sorry you are having to deal with that.

    Don’t give up, okay? You deserve better, you deserve to be whole and real and yourself. You can do this. Xx💟

    Liked by 1 person

    • I want to say thank you for this Alice – every comment here made a difference and I read them right away. I hate dental work too. I really appreciate what you said about me deserving to be whole. It gave me pause and helped me. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

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