My stomach is in knots. 

I wish I could figure out why I’m so averse to the idea of therapy and of A right now. There are so many factors at play… between the email, the conversation with my mom last Friday, oh… and my entire past. 

I want the peace of break back. I want to sit at home and not freak out over money or what comes next or suddenly emotionally be somewhere else. I am tired of having emotions that don’t belong to the present day. And I don’t really know what to do about it.

Because how I feel now, at 10am, is not how I’m going to feel at 5pm when I walk into A’s office. And so anything I write is basically irrelevant the next day. I currently feel anxious and like I have to actually stop to catch my breath when I think about therapy. Monday I wanted to quit. Yesterday was a good day, except apparently I’m self sabatoging by not doing necessary work for a personal client (no personal client, no A). So like.. wth am I up to over here.

My stomach is in knots. But then it won’t be. And then it will be. And then I’ll disassociate. And then I’ll be oddly present. And then I’ll be left in a depression from years ago where the emotions are only starting to rise now. 

I don’t even know where to start.

I have realized, though, that I’m determined to have an event to hang these emotions on. When I told A about a dream I’d been having and said I didn’t know if it was real – she said, “does it have to be? It pretty clearly demonstrates terror. Can’t we work with that?”

And I’m like, no. I don’t want to work with these floaty emotions. I want to have something to hang them on. Particular events. Or days. Or people. And I don’t. And it’s frustrating as all fuck.

Nothing makes sense right now. Emotionally. And I crave control. I make sense of my life by compartmentalizing and organizing. And I can’t organize this. So I want to avoid it. But if I do that I never move from this place. The emotions will bury again… but they would be there, like they’ve always been there. They want out, and I know that’s why they’re causing this ruckus. But it’s too much. It’s too disruptive. It’s too painful. And I can’t control it. 

I don’t even know where to start.


7 thoughts on “Knots

  1. You have emotions that are causing a ruckus because they want out. To me, that seems like the perfect place to start. You identified that you’re feeling emotions, emotions largely tied to the past that you can’t pin to a specific event/person. These emotions are causing you distress, and they keep coming up, then hiding, then coming back up. These emotions need out, and yet they’re painful and scary and uncontrollable. And everything feels out of control.
    You know you’re feeling things. If you can’t identify them, that’s okay; you’re able to identify that there are feelings. A will help you to work through them. I’m glad you’re able to see her twice this week.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi PD

    The last thing I want to do is sound like I’m someone who’s a know-it-all or who has it all together when it comes to this healing thing, because I don’t. What I can tell you though, is that I know all too well that avoiding emotions is easy to do when you don’t want to feel them, I also know all too well how using that tactic only makes it harder because somehow, those buried emotions are gonna come out. That’s what happened to me when I did it, and when they did come out, it was far from easy for me or those around me.

    I agree with the previous commenter though. Healing is incredibly difficult, especially when there is so much to deal with. As for where to start, try baby steps. In other words, start small, and take it just a little bit at a time, There;s no right or wrong way to heal, I’m also glad you didn’t cancel with A.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What you are trying to deal with and process is incredibly difficult. I have resisted the emotions for years and I’m only now understanding things. Don’t be me! It’s painful but A can hold it for you. You have done it before and you can do it again. I totally get the level of anxiety.
    I’m glad that you haven’t cancelled. You can do this. Thinking of you xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I chuckled at the ‘dont be me!’ part. Thank you for that. It is painful. It was painful. And we’re not done but it’s about building up my tolerance and resources… and as my best friend says… the only way out, is through.

      Liked by 1 person

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