[untitled]

​After discussing the dream, and my interpretation of it, and the overwhelming resistance from these hurting parts, A speaks:

“I think it’s beautiful. I see that as Little PD showing you that there are these other parts too, she wants to include them in her healing. She’s giving you permission to see them.”

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Right here, PD” she leans forward. She’s directive. Clipboard down. Stern, with compassion. She means business. “What are you feeling now?” 

“Other than shame?”

“Yes, other than shame.”

*I shake my head no*

“What are you feeling, PD.”

*Shakes head again* 

“PD, you’re shaking your head but you’re feeling. I can see that you are feeling. Let me witness it.”

*Shakes head, looks away*

“You can shake your head all you want, PD, but it does not change the fact that you are experiencing emotions right now.”

*Silence. Eyes closed.*

“I know. I know that this hurts. I know your lemmings are busy rebuilding that scaffolding as I am simultaneously tearing it down. I need you to look at me.”

*Looks*

Patiently, kindly, slowly, and commandingly. “What are you feeling?”

“NO! My feelings don’t matter. My feelings don’t have a place – I’m not allowed to have feelings. I don’t get to feel. I DONT GET TO FEEL.” I’m yelling at her.

“PD who are you talking to? No, don’t go anywhere, look at me. Who are you talking to right now, today, here.”

“You.” 

“When have I ever told you your feelings don’t matter.”

“…”

“PD” directive. She’s pushing.

“Never.”

“your resistance is a smokescreen. It’s a smokescreen that makes sense but this is an opportunity to correct what you never got. Inside you are craving to have your emotions witnessed right now. Let them come, PD. Let me in.”

“I can’t. Nobody is willing to hear me. I am always going to be alone.”

“I am right here. I am here to hear you, to hold space for you through it, and frankly, to love you through it.”

“I was always so alone.” 

“You aren’t alone now, PD. C’mon, it’s okay, its safe, I’m not going anywhere, let me in.” 

And finally, for the first time since my brother’s email, I cry.

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7 thoughts on “[untitled]

  1. Pingback: Rebellion | Paper Doll Therapy Blog

  2. I am proud of you for letting A in. Is it okay if I give you my email address? If not, it’s perfectly fine, it’s just that I think we’re in at least somewhat similar circumstances. I would like to share my story with you if that’s okay.

    Liked by 1 person

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