I don’t want to talk to you

I woke up this morning wanting to cancel therapy again this week. I’ve decided for the next while that that is not a thing. Cancelling isn’t an option. But I don’t want to dismiss the emotions that are coming from deep inside that eternal lockbox. One thing I’m trying to do is if those desires do not impact my therapy course (not going is non-negotiable and I’m not going to give into the drinking or self harm urges, for example) I am trying to give them a voice.I am trying to give my memories that are held in my mind by Teen PD, a voice. And I had this really strong resistance this morning to everything. 

So I wrote this letter to A to give it a voice. And I’ll let her read it on Wednesday (with the disclaimer that this is how a part of me, the resistant part, feels, and I don’t want to omit any of it but I might cause holy crap mean sometimes). Because what came out I think it’s really insightful. 

To the adult who thinks they ‘know us’, ‘knows what we’ve been through’, ‘can handle us’, or in any other way thinks they need to or want to get involved in our lives otherwise known as A.

I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t like you. And I don’t know that I need a reason at all but you’ve disturbed things for me. I have made this work, and you’re fucking with it from your degree enabled high horse. You’re rocking what was already becoming an unstable boat. And I’m tired. I am always tired. Looking after other people while consistently being beaten down is tiring. Did you know that? And I don’t want to deal with righting the ship. But I have to, because nobody else is going to do it. Nobody else gives a crap about the life they are getting to live because I take care of them. There are no thank yous or well done. Just me, me, me, me, me. 

You think you know me, but you don’t. You know nothing about my life or what I’ve been through. You know nothing about the patchwork quilted memories I hold. I don’t want you to, and I don’t want to talk about it, and I won’t. I will hold onto these. They’re not coming out. I have lived with them and the emotion they evoke every day, and I have a good system of ignoring them as they slowly choke the life out of me. You are a threat to the system I developed and the system I know. Do you not think I can take it? I’ve been taking it. And now I am politely asking you to leave. I want you to abandon this and forget it and tell you what – I won’t even consider it abandonment because I’ve asked you to go. I will even find a way to explain it that keeps you the innocent one. I’ll shoulder all the blame. So that absolves any sort of moral obligation you think you have towards us and let’s you go on to pretend to care about somebody else. 

Here’s the deal. I don’t have time or energy to deal with you. You remind me of everything I needed but never got, and worst of all you give a lot of the memories I’m trying to look after hope. And that’s unfair and cruel because I know that you’re going to hear us and dismiss us. I know that you are simply here because it’s a good way to make money. But they don’t. They believe that you care. I know better. So consider the mess you’re creating for me, huh. Do you even care about the mess you’re making for me!? That would be the first way to show me you’re not like everyone else. Let this go. Let this go without a fuss and let me right my ship. Let us walk away. Let things return to normal. Let me keep my secrets hidden.

I know better than to trust you. We’ve been there. Rebecca, Liz, Mr. Sal, Ms. Boudreau, that random bitch we were forced to see. I tried to trust them all and it got me the same fucking thing over and over and over again. Why try again? See, Em was okay once we realized she wasn’t going to come near us, we could allow her because her work was present day – but I was never going to talk to her even if she did broach the past.  And I’m not going to talk to you either. So please, I give you full permission, just leave. Because I’m not letting you in. I give you permission to leave us, to leave me, like everybody else does. Trust me – we aren’t worth your time. 

We are closed off to you. This area of our life is one you do not get to approach or discuss. I hope we are clear. And I hope this inquiry ends now, for the sake of all of us stuck with you and left without a choice when we clearly don’t want you around. There is plenty in everyday life to discuss if you still want your money or to feel like you matter. Just don’t approach this. Don’t approach us. We are not going to speak.

I’m not ready to speak. I’m afraid to speak. And I don’t trust that you’re willing or able to hear it. And I really need you to go away. Please. 

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22 thoughts on “I don’t want to talk to you

  1. This really resonates with me. Also, look at you go, PD. Instead of self-destructing, you’re self aware enough to know who needs a voice and to give her one. That is MASSIVE progress!
    I don’t think A will judge you at all for this either – it’s not mean,
    It’s just honest. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so glad the letter writing felt cathartic and purposeful – I really get that, I used to do a lot more writing from parts, and shared with my therapist, and I think it helped move the work along in a way it otherwise wouldn’t. I think it gave voice to parts that wouldn’t speak out (at first, now I speak from all parts in session pretty candidly). This is so smart, well done.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I also like that you gave Teen PD a voice, It gives her a chance to be heard, because the words are on paper for A to read and take in. I’ve dealt with not feeling heard or validated for most of my life, and I know how much that sucks. And now, like you, I am left to deal with the damage that comes from that, plus a hell of a lot more, which I will chat with you via email about as time goes on, Teen PD, if you read this, I can so relate to you in some ways,

    Liked by 1 person

    • I like that I gave her a voice too. It’s felt so wrong sometimes to acknowledge that I am relatively split in these ways but the more I embrace it and allow that part of me to have its say, the more solid I feel.

      Like

  4. If I was a therapist I would see this as an invitation to do the exact opposite. A challenge to stay with that teen until she was ready to engage with me. #challengeaccepted 😉

    Liked by 5 people

  5. I like that you let this part of you have a voice. She deserves to speak and be heard. She’s scared and protective of the other parts. Keep acknowledging your desire to cancel sessions. You can acknowledge it without acting on it, and I know that you know that in order to heal, you need to keep going. But the resistance and defensiveness is okay, it’s real, it’s valid, it exists. It protected you, in the past, and that’s to be honored. But A is safe, and this protective part can relax and rest.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know A is safe but I genuinely think this resistant part doesn’t. I forgot about the stories associated with all those people actually until I was free writing this this morning. I think right away I’m interested in her “I don’t want to talk to A but i am going to write her a letter” which is in effect talking.

      I don’t know. I’m fascinated by this whole thing. I also think for some reason she believes and therefore I believe that A thinks she knows better about what has happened. Which is interesting. Anyways. Thanks for commenting.

      A certainly doesn’t feel safe right now.

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s what I meant, that to this part, A doesn’t seem safe. A seems like a disruption to the way this part of you currently controls things. Teen PD sounds very teenager-ish, wanting to write but not talk.
        I can understand where that thought is coming from. To Teen PD, A seems like an authority figure, a know-it-all of sorts. That frustrates Teen PD (and you). As long as A comes off in this know-it-all way, Teen PD is going to be resistant. Once she sees that A works with her, she’ll come around.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m actually curious to see what happens. Since writing that, I’ve calmed down and been able to focus on adult things, on the present. I am thinking this 2, 1, 0 thing may really work for me.

        Liked by 1 person

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