I woke up this morning wanting to cancel therapy again this week. I’ve decided for the next while that that is not a thing. Cancelling isn’t an option. But I don’t want to dismiss the emotions that are coming from deep inside that eternal lockbox. One thing I’m trying to do is if those desires do not impact my therapy course (not going is non-negotiable and I’m not going to give into the drinking or self harm urges, for example) I am trying to give them a voice.I am trying to give my memories that are held in my mind by Teen PD, a voice. And I had this really strong resistance this morning to everything.
So I wrote this letter to A to give it a voice. And I’ll let her read it on Wednesday (with the disclaimer that this is how a part of me, the resistant part, feels, and I don’t want to omit any of it but I might cause holy crap mean sometimes). Because what came out I think it’s really insightful.
To the adult who thinks they ‘know us’, ‘knows what we’ve been through’, ‘can handle us’, or in any other way thinks they need to or want to get involved in our lives otherwise known as A.
I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t like you. And I don’t know that I need a reason at all but you’ve disturbed things for me. I have made this work, and you’re fucking with it from your degree enabled high horse. You’re rocking what was already becoming an unstable boat. And I’m tired. I am always tired. Looking after other people while consistently being beaten down is tiring. Did you know that? And I don’t want to deal with righting the ship. But I have to, because nobody else is going to do it. Nobody else gives a crap about the life they are getting to live because I take care of them. There are no thank yous or well done. Just me, me, me, me, me.
You think you know me, but you don’t. You know nothing about my life or what I’ve been through. You know nothing about the patchwork quilted memories I hold. I don’t want you to, and I don’t want to talk about it, and I won’t. I will hold onto these. They’re not coming out. I have lived with them and the emotion they evoke every day, and I have a good system of ignoring them as they slowly choke the life out of me. You are a threat to the system I developed and the system I know. Do you not think I can take it? I’ve been taking it. And now I am politely asking you to leave. I want you to abandon this and forget it and tell you what – I won’t even consider it abandonment because I’ve asked you to go. I will even find a way to explain it that keeps you the innocent one. I’ll shoulder all the blame. So that absolves any sort of moral obligation you think you have towards us and let’s you go on to pretend to care about somebody else.
Here’s the deal. I don’t have time or energy to deal with you. You remind me of everything I needed but never got, and worst of all you give a lot of the memories I’m trying to look after hope. And that’s unfair and cruel because I know that you’re going to hear us and dismiss us. I know that you are simply here because it’s a good way to make money. But they don’t. They believe that you care. I know better. So consider the mess you’re creating for me, huh. Do you even care about the mess you’re making for me!? That would be the first way to show me you’re not like everyone else. Let this go. Let this go without a fuss and let me right my ship. Let us walk away. Let things return to normal. Let me keep my secrets hidden.
I know better than to trust you. We’ve been there. Rebecca, Liz, Mr. Sal, Ms. Boudreau, that random bitch we were forced to see. I tried to trust them all and it got me the same fucking thing over and over and over again. Why try again? See, Em was okay once we realized she wasn’t going to come near us, we could allow her because her work was present day – but I was never going to talk to her even if she did broach the past. And I’m not going to talk to you either. So please, I give you full permission, just leave. Because I’m not letting you in. I give you permission to leave us, to leave me, like everybody else does. Trust me – we aren’t worth your time.
We are closed off to you. This area of our life is one you do not get to approach or discuss. I hope we are clear. And I hope this inquiry ends now, for the sake of all of us stuck with you and left without a choice when we clearly don’t want you around. There is plenty in everyday life to discuss if you still want your money or to feel like you matter. Just don’t approach this. Don’t approach us. We are not going to speak.
I’m not ready to speak. I’m afraid to speak. And I don’t trust that you’re willing or able to hear it. And I really need you to go away. Please.