Nobody should let me be a Mom 

I spent the last seven days believing I was pregnant. 

And it scared the shit out of me. In addition to the normal questions about finances and apartment hunting and logistics,  additional thoughts were rolling in fast and frequent every time I discovered that I still had not had my period.

“I can’t be a Mom.”

“Nobody should ever let me be a Mom.”

“I want so badly to be a Mom.”

“All I’m going to do is screw this kid up.”

“I am such an awful person. Nobody should let a child around me.”

And I would panic. In the bathroom at work. Forehead against the wall, struggling to breathe. 

At work I’m deemed the office Mom. I’m that person who is going to remind you to not forget your jacket. Or ask about your cold. I keep the peace. I balance things. People tell me – someone actually said this to me the other day – “I wish you were my Mom, PD”.

And I love children – I always have – I’ve been a nanny and a camp counselor and I love my niece and nephews. This reaction to what may have been was so unexpected. It was at the point where I really should have checked. But thankfully, my period came.

Thoughts crossed my mind of “okay, if I am pregnant, we won’t tell husband or A, and we will simply deal with it.” And those thoughts scare me because that’s not how I want to deal with it. Also, although I don’t judge those who choose abortion because I am pro-choice (I firmly believe every woman has a right to choose for herself and her body), I personally never thought I would ever consider abortion and yet here I was googling clinics before even knowing if I was pregnant. The reaction I was having was so overwhelming. I’m married, for fucks sake. I can’t just make a baby with my husband and unilaterally decide I can’t do it. And then I became so mad at myself for the idea of abortion that I suddenly decided maybe I would give it up for adoption? What on earth is happening. 

There will be a day and a time I want to get pregnant. I don’t know if I will ever feel ready. And I don’t want to spend the whole time thinking negative things. Which means at some point, I have to bring this up with A.

Thankfully, it came. 

But the title of this post was originally “pregnancy scare.” And it was, a scare. But it revealed so much more to me than that. It revealed to me that I truly believe that because of my family and their actions towards me that I should never be a Mom. That nobody should ever let me be a Mom.

And that’s a deep rooted belief that needs addressing. 

I am not her. But I clearly believe that I am.

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9 thoughts on “Nobody should let me be a Mom 

  1. I was the “Mom” at my work and in my social circle as well. And I love kids, as you to. Clearly, I have a daughter. And I’m thankful for her everyday. But it was scary. Getting pregnant was scary. I was really scared the baby would be a boy (I am ashamed to say it, but I wasn’t sure I could love a boy as much as I’d love a girl) was terrified I was going to turn into my mother. I didn’t want to be a country club junior league emotionless robot Mom. I wanted to be real, but I had no idea how to do that. I learned. I’m still learning. I get to learn all the things I never learned growing up, I get to practice them right beside my daughter, and I tell her honestly, “Mom is learning too.” And it’s okay. Yes, there are moments I feel like the worst mother on the planet, but I’m not. I make normal mistakes, and sometimes I screw up big. I yell, and I dissociate. But I also am honest with her, and I get lost in playing dolls, or just as excited about an art project as she is. I get to have pieces of childhood back because I’m a mom. I’m not sure if this is reassuring or not; I just wanted you to know, it’s okay to learn with your kid. And instinct guides you too. It’s very surprising, because while I don’t trust my instincts in regards to myself, i was able to trust them for my daughter. When the time is right, you won’t feel ready, but it will be okay. You have time to work through some of this, and you are not your mom. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The whole idea of having children can bring up a lot of ambivalence and strong emotion if you’ve had a traumatic childhood yourself, but it sounds like your pregnancy scare has come at a particularly difficult time in exploring your relationship with your family – and your brother in particular. You’ve had a lot of your ideas about what your family was like, and what is or isn’t normal/ok for families turned on its head so it’s not surprising that you would have a very strong reaction.

    It is something that would be important to explore with A, including the issue of how to discuss your fears with your husband because it has the potential to have a major impact on your relationship. Fear of pregnancy was a big thing for me, both because of a pregnancy scare when I was 15, and then deciding I couldn’t go through pregnancy, delivery and looking after a baby again after my daughter was born. It had a big impact on our sex life which ultimately contributed to the marriage breaking down, and I can’t help but wonder if things might have turned out differently if I’d had the chance to talk though those fears and where they came from with a professional who could have helped.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dangerous, thank you for sharing this. I think you helped me connect the dots. I have for so long wondered why I am not into sex lately. I’m afraid of getting pregnant because I’m afraid I am going to be a bad mom. And it does affect our sex life. You have no idea how much your comment helped.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I had a pregnancy scare a few months ago and… been there done that. (Thankfully mine was only a couple hours of panic, asking multiple friends to google the odds of me getting knocked up despite using MULTIPLE methods of protection, and then over with two pregnancy tests confirming I was still alone in my body.) It’s a strange experience to go through, and the “what am I gonna do with a KID??” thought process is unlike any other I’ve experienced. I can’t write about it openly on my blog yet (or possibly ever), but I’d be willing to email with you about that if ya want.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I understand where you’re coming from. For most of my life, I didn’t want kids. I was desperately afraid that I’d turn into my mom. I didn’t want to fuck up a child, and I didn’t want to pass on my stuff. I was afraid I’d raise a kid that didn’t get what it needed, and like I did, ended up self-harming.
    I’ve learned that I have more insight than my mom did/does. I’m also working to deal with my shit through counseling. Both of these are also true for you. Plus, you like kids and you’re the office mom. When it’s time, you will be a fantastic mom.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think your reaction is understandable! It is why you’re in therapy. I think that you will be a great mum. You won’t believe that until you are further into therapy or finished even. You’re right you do need to discuss it with A.

    Like

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