I often discuss quitting with you in session. I haven’t actually had the balls to do it yet. But that’s changing.
I don’t think continuing our relationship is the best for me right now. I don’t need another person in my life who pretends to care about me only to dismiss me when it’s convenient for them. I don’t need somebody who thinks that this is fun. That me trying to let go of terrible memories – of desperately crying – of needing hand holding… I don’t need someone who thinks of that as fun. I don’t need another fucking defective parent figure.
I don’t want anything to do with you right now and in the name of honoring those feelings I am cancelling until you’re back from your vacation (another one that you dropped like a no big deal bomb at the end of session. Oh yea, I’m not here this week – casually said as if it doesn’t make the floor drop out from under me each time. And you’ll say “well why haven’t you talked to me about it” and I will say “because you never give me time to. And you never ask how I feel. And you act like it should be no big deal so I follow suit.”) I don’t want to be here and I don’t want to talk to you.
That’s one of three angry letters I’ve drafted to A. Earlier this weekend I wrote an email to someone and was like “fuck A”. And the response was really thought provoking – this (super smart) person was like “why? Why are you angry with her?”
A while ago, at our last session before Christmas, I thanked A for everything and she thanked me back. She said she looked forward to our sessions, they were fun for her. And now, rationally, I know she didn’t mean that they way I heard it. But I’m apparently hung up on it. It isn’t fun for me to be sitting there tearing out parts of my pain for her to examine week after week.
And then on Thursday I found out she was going on a week long vacation as we were scheduling. She doesn’t tell me. And maybe she feels like she doesn’t have to, but I like to know I can reach out if I’m desperate.
So ya, I’m angry at her. Part of it is me being hung up on her using the word fun. Part of it is her never telling me when she will be on vacation in a way that is helpful. And part of it is the dreams I’m having – last night she abandoned me mid session with my husband and mom and told us to work it out ourselves because she was bored. And when she was there she was on my Mom’s side. She drops vacation bombs at the end of session while we’re scheduling like – “k, one next week, two the week after, and then I’m on vacation, and then the week after that lets schedule”. Like it’s no big deal. Is it so hard to be like “I have a vacation coming up. It’s a short one, do you need to talk about it?” at a time that gives us a chance to address it? Even if it’s one week if it affects my session pattern it affects me. If I can’t reach out and receive extra help in the form of a session or a phone call then I need time and I need to process that. I will say no the first time she asks if I want to discuss if out of shame and then need to talk about it. As soon as I know she’s going away I shut down and don’t want to talk.
I also keep getting the sense lately that this is a game for her. She hasn’t really done anything but I can’t help feeling like I’m some sort of fucked up experiment. I am missing that attunement of her identifying with me. I feel like she’s having fun because I’m the client she finally gets to try this cool stuff with and she looks forward to working together when I’m over here hurting. I’m finally attaching to her and finally letting my guard down and it feels like it’s all a big joke to her. I go home and think about it for days and she just gets to go home and not bother with me. And that’s the limitations of reparenting through therapy… and that’s not her fault. But I’m also angry about that. And sometimes she laughs at something I say (never in a malicious way but in an incredulous way or a spontaneous way) and that is frustrating too. I don’t want to share this serious stuff and these memories with her if she doesn’t deserve it. I don’t want to share this stuff with her if she’s going to think of it as fun or like something cool she gets to do. I especially don’t want to share with her if she is going to laugh. Telling these stories affects me for days after and I can’t reach for her. I don’t want to share with her if she’s going to make fun of me. I really want to be hand held through this memory that is giving me flashbacks. I am so tired. I miss the literal and metaphorical hand holding. Of walking me through feeling step by step. Of her being close.
I guess part of me is wondering if it’s all been ‘fun’ for her from day one and if I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life in trusting someone again. I don’t feel like she’s on my side right now and I definitely don’t want to talk to her. And while what she said made sense and she even disclaimed it with the idea that she doesn’t want me to feel this way – I feel like if I share any of this I am a child throwing a temper tantrum and my legitimate feelings won’t be taken seriously like they haven’t been my whole life. So this is just like then. And she is just like them.
I won’t let myself cancel but I’m seriously questioning what I’m doing even trying to trust someone again. I can cope on my own. I’ve done it before. I can do it again, and she can have her ‘fun’ psychological experiment time with someone else.