Goodbye, A (Somehow Sober Day 3)

I’m about to lose A. Just when we have reconnected. Because I’m not meant to live a happy life.

You know that feeling you have when you know something is coming. It’s inevitable. You feel it. 

I have a meeting with my biggest client in an hour. The one that pays for my therapy. And they changed the time. And they changed how we are connecting. And they asked me to call someone else. And they haven’t been responding to my emails. Our contract is up for renewal.

I’ve been here before 1000 times with my own clients at the agency. 

They’re about to quit.

Which means I immediately have to stop seeing A. Maintaining this client is my direct connection to therapy… and they have every right to move on and quit and find another provider but I am so fragile and unstable right now. I can’t help but feel like they’re pulling the rug out from underneath me. 

I’m crying in the bathroom at work. I can’t afford to lose this job so I have to get my shit together and get back out there. 

Goodbye, A. 

Edit: I was right. My A money from freelancing is gone. 

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18 thoughts on “Goodbye, A (Somehow Sober Day 3)

  1. Oh, PD, I’m so sorry! No wonder you are so upset; A’s been so important and helpful, and I know how connected you are to her. I wish I could do something useful, could change it somehow. I want you to know though that I see your shock and pain, and my heart goes out to you. Not very useful, I know, but sincere and caring…

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  2. I know this calls up all of those deep pains about the transactional nature of the therapeutic relationship – that being confronted with suddenly being unable to afford therapy hits you with the reminder that payment for A’s time is part of your agreement (though the love and affection and care she has for you are very real and not based on money), and that makes the relationship feel very unsafe and not okay. Being in this place is so hard, regardless of the actual logistics of whether you can sort out the financial aspect of it. I’m so sorry, PD.

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  3. Oh honey, this evokes so much tenderness. This is unexpected and very stressful and I know it feels like the end. Things will continue to change, you will make it through this. And, hearing and caring so much for your distress.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m barely functioning. I’m doing work and not thinking about it but every time I do… I don’t know if I’m going to make it through this one.

      Every time I let my guard down I get fucked by trusting people. I’m never going to get better.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh PD. This hurts. It hurts and is scary, I know. Take a breath, or a few breaths. Can you? I hope you are wrong, that’s it just a miscommunication, that things will work out with the client. I’m crossing my fingers, and sending good thoughts to you. It’s so hard not to, but don’t despair yet, ok? You can talk to your boss, and also to A. Sending love and support. Xx💟

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