This Hurts

I am trying to tell myself that it is ok to feel into this pain. 

I think I’m finally getting a glimpse, emotionally, of what growing up was like for me. Because this idea of not being able to be around my therapist on a schedule I’m used to… dealing with things I am used to… it has thrown me into this really lonely place. Because I feel like she’s going to leave me, or this is speeding that process up. And I am feeling desperate to save the relationship and this, this is what I do. I am disgusted by how needy I am. I have turned inward and there is so much self loathing. 

Everytime I think of it, the crippling loneliness I thought I was escaping, I cry.

I didn’t have friends, as a child. We joke about how I would read under a tree at recess… but it’s true. I don’t remember having friends until meeting my husband, at 21 years old. I fought and fought for my parents attention, and I felt like I had to be a part of the family system, but meanwhile I was so… broken. I always lost. And I internalized that. My bids for attention were never good enough.

This dark, deep loneliness is what I keep accessing. It’s breaking me from the inside out. It’s what I would have felt, I’m sure, when I was younger – and it feels incapacitating. It is incapacitating. A raw nerve has been struck and I can’t breathe when it comes up again. It hurts so fucking much to look at. I don’t even know if I have the words to describe it.

And I’m sitting here, tears streaming down my face as I write about it. I was so alone. I was so afraid. And I’m only now feeling it. Gasping for air at the emotional memory of it all.

And I’m withdrawing. I’m isolating. Canceling plans. What a fool I was to believe I would ever have a life that didn’t involve this crippling loneliness. 

Maybe this is as far as I come. I am no longer suicidal, I rarely self harm. I have a husband and friends… a stable career. Maybe this is all I get. Maybe this is all I have a right to ask for.

This hurts. I hurt so much right now. And maybe I will always hurt. Perhaps instead of challenging that, I should be concentrating on accepting it.

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11 thoughts on “This Hurts

  1. No, PD, this isn’t all you have a right to ask for.
    You had a right to be loved and appreciated unconditionally as a child, and that didn’t happen – but you STILL have that right. It is a basic human right. And you are doing such good work, and even if it doesn’t feel like it now, I am hopeful that you will be able to recognize your own value and worth, and feel others recognizing it, in the future. xoxo

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  2. This isn’t all you get, this isn’t as far as you’ll go. That’s how it seems, right now. But it’s not true. It won’t always hurt either. You’re working toward a better life, and you will get there. Accepting that the pain exists right now, yes, absolutely, because pushing it away won’t help. But it will not always be like this.

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  3. This is not all you get. There’s so much more. Feeling this pain is just the beginning, there’s healing to be had. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It is okay to express your pain, but it’s sad that you feel it. A won’t leave you and your progress in therapy doesn’t have to stop. Let A guide you.
    This is not all you get in life. You have overcome a lot. You married the man you deserve, not the one you probably think you deserve. That’s huge and shows that deep inside you know you are worthwhile and lovable.
    It’s okay to cancel plans but I hope it doesn’t become a long term thing. Your friends will miss you.
    Sending love x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This sounds so deeply painful that there aren’t really any words I can think of to do it justice. Sitting in the middle of this must be so hard for you. I really admire the way you write about your process and you’re in my thoughts xx

    Liked by 1 person

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