I am trying to tell myself that it is ok to feel into this pain.
I think I’m finally getting a glimpse, emotionally, of what growing up was like for me. Because this idea of not being able to be around my therapist on a schedule I’m used to… dealing with things I am used to… it has thrown me into this really lonely place. Because I feel like she’s going to leave me, or this is speeding that process up. And I am feeling desperate to save the relationship and this, this is what I do. I am disgusted by how needy I am. I have turned inward and there is so much self loathing.
Everytime I think of it, the crippling loneliness I thought I was escaping, I cry.
I didn’t have friends, as a child. We joke about how I would read under a tree at recess… but it’s true. I don’t remember having friends until meeting my husband, at 21 years old. I fought and fought for my parents attention, and I felt like I had to be a part of the family system, but meanwhile I was so… broken. I always lost. And I internalized that. My bids for attention were never good enough.
This dark, deep loneliness is what I keep accessing. It’s breaking me from the inside out. It’s what I would have felt, I’m sure, when I was younger – and it feels incapacitating. It is incapacitating. A raw nerve has been struck and I can’t breathe when it comes up again. It hurts so fucking much to look at. I don’t even know if I have the words to describe it.
And I’m sitting here, tears streaming down my face as I write about it. I was so alone. I was so afraid. And I’m only now feeling it. Gasping for air at the emotional memory of it all.
And I’m withdrawing. I’m isolating. Canceling plans. What a fool I was to believe I would ever have a life that didn’t involve this crippling loneliness.
Maybe this is as far as I come. I am no longer suicidal, I rarely self harm. I have a husband and friends… a stable career. Maybe this is all I get. Maybe this is all I have a right to ask for.
This hurts. I hurt so much right now. And maybe I will always hurt. Perhaps instead of challenging that, I should be concentrating on accepting it.