Yesterday in session, which you got a snippet of, A asked me what my anger would say if it could speak.
And I ranted a bit, eventually, after she self disclosed (notice that? I re-read it this morning and was like that was really clever of her). But my rant was still superficial. It was about being angry and times I was angry but it wasn’t anger speaking.
After counseling I went to watch the 2002 Britney Spears classic movie “Crossroads” with a girlfriend and then drove home. And on the drive I found my anger bubbling up. And that question kept replaying in my head.
“What would it say, PD, if your anger could speak?”
And I started to talk, in the car, at the steering wheel. I turned the radio off, and without a witness I let myself talk. And I got home, and I was sitting parked outside my house, in my car, still angry. And I didn’t want to leave the moment because it is so rare that I am that honest with myself. It is so rare that I get to that level of emotion about anything but it is especially rare that I get angry.
So instead of going inside and pretending I wasn’t and cooling off, I downloaded a recording app and for over four minutes, recorded what I think my anger would say if it had a voice.
What is below is what I say. It wasn’t pre-written.This is the opposite of what I normally do, I recorded first and then wrote. I don’t feel comfortable sharing the recording here, but I’ve tried to put pauses and emphasis where I think it fits best.
I clearly was not comfortable getting to this place in session. I wasn’t ready to have this level of anger witnessed. But I still think I should share it with her.
Below is what I said.
If my anger could speak… it would tell you… that that very first day that you dismissed me… you started me down a path of self-hatred that has yet to be reversed.
And if my anger could speak it would tell you that I saw the moment you realized I was right… I saw the moment… Where you realized, that your son needed more help than you could give him and if my anger could speak it would tell you that what I needed in that moment was to NOT be your scapegoat.
Instead of recognizing… that I was right and maybe that I too needed help… instead of binding together and listening and seeing me I became a sacrifice at the alter of your fear and everything became my fault and if my anger could speak it would tell you that this has had a profound effect on me for the last 16 years of my life and I have missed out on relationships and I have missed out on opportunities because I have been so afraid.
And if my anger could speak it would tell you that watching you pretend that things… weren’t happening to me… have been the worst moments of my life.
And if my anger could speak, Mother, it would tell you all that I have missed out on because you were unwilling to believe me, and to see me, and instead chose to pretend that you weren’t even my mother.
And if my anger could speak it would show you the scars.
And if my anger could speak… it would tell you that I am never going to be able to forget all that I have been put through… it would tell you that yes I have found a stable partner and I have advocated for myself and I have made it through but Mom those are not your accomplishments they were not made because of you they were made in spite of you.
And if my anger could speak it would tell you that I hate you so much and you have no idea what it’s like to hate the person who is supposed to love you the most in the world.
If my anger could speak it would tell you that I am so tired of feeling like all of this is my responsibility.
And if my anger could speak… it would tell you that you can’t undo the damage that has been done. It would tell you that I can’t undo the damage that has been done but mom, it would tell you that maybe, maybe admitting that there was a problem in the first place, and maybe admitting that you should have listened to me and maybe admitting…. That I was right. And you were tired. And you should have asked for help.
Maybe if you were to admit those things my anger would say thank you. For finally recognizing that it exists… and that it has every fucking right to.