I had a plan for today. To sit down, work on stuff for my freelance clients, have a call with another freelance client, and move forward with cleaning my house. Tomorrow, my goal is to schedule the week ahead. Really dive in and create a schedule. Routine is my friend.
I’ve decided that I haven’t been really prioritizing anything in my life, but mostly floating around, going from day to day, watching Netflix instead of working on things. And I’m reading the book You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero, one of my twelve books on healing and self-development for this year, and she’s like “dude, you can’t focus on everything.” So I even picked my things. I want to focus on my relationship with my husband (which has been taking a hit due to my basic inability to commit to anything these days and follow through), my relationship with myself (including getting more sleep, exercising and respecting my body, and not drinking anymore), and my business.
Because I can’t do everything.
And earlier this week, Dave and I had dinner together. And, again, on Thursday, we had my one on one meeting – he is also my boss. And both as a friend and as my employer this week, he said versions of the same thing – “the only thing in your way is you.”
I know why I am the way I am. I know where my habits come from. I have dragged my lies, and shame, and tears into the light, and I’ve exposed them to a safe person. I’m working through them. I have discovered the root of them. I’m grieving. And that isn’t going to be a quick process and it will continue but I believe I’m almost at the point where that can continue in the therapy room. I am at the point where unless something knocks me down I have more good days than bad. I’m at the point where I go days without thinking about the grief, or the fear, or the past. I’m at the point where focusing on the future and the present is what I need to do.
I need to move my body, to trust myself, to build up my defences and boundaries, to work at getting to know me and continuing to challenge that narrative that is my default. But, I’m at the point where I recognize that, I know what I need to do.
So why am I not doing it.
This is the question I had in the shower not five minutes ago. I had a plan today. It was a good plan. It was a plan that keeps my business afloat, keeps my relationship happy, and helps me structure things. It’s a plan that I am happy with. Earlier this week, I told Dave I’m so afraid of new things because I don’t know who I am and what if I make bad choices and he told me to ask myself, whenever I do something, “is this in line with who I see myself as.” And when I ask myself the question Dave asked me this week, all of what I want to accomplish today, this month, falls into that category.
I’m putting off anything that drives me forward. I’m putting off getting a passport and claiming benefits, both things that would help me with my honeymoon and my relationship. I’m putting off doing reporting for clients and building my business and my logo design and all of those things. I’m putting off working on myself. But why.
What am I so afraid of?
Until I have that answer, I am worried I’m going to watch Netflix all day every day and live in a mess and drink and fight with my husband for the sake of fighting. I have goals, I have a plan, I know where my limitations come from, I understand myself right now better than I ever have in my life.
Dave says he thinks there is a part of me that enjoys being broken, or identifying as broken. And he isn’t wrong. He says that I have come so far in the time he knows me. My husband reflects that too. And Lu. They all back me on this one. They all see me at the precipice of great change, at the precipice of being my best self, and yet I’m so afraid to jump.
Until I figure this out, I’m going to be stuck at square 75 of a 100 square journey.
Why am I so afraid? I am crippled by inaction and fear. And I try to sit with it, and I even asked myself today “honey, what are you so afraid of? I don’t understand. I don’t know why we can’t get over this mental barrier.” And I got mostly crickets. Snippets of ‘it will never be good enough so why try’ and ‘it won’t matter in the end because I’m never good enough anyways’. But mostly crickets.
I’m afraid, but I don’t know exactly of what, and its really keeping me from reaching the goals I want, the potential I have, and getting the life I so deserve.
I told this to Dave. And my husband. And both said “does questioning this get you closer to doing things.” And “just do them. Do them, if they align with who you want to be. Just act.”