I Am Simply Cleaning

I’m here. I’m functioning. But I simply… am. 

I can’t find my emotions. It’s like they’ve been shut off. Like a switch. 

Boop!

No more emotions for PD.

Instead my OCD tendencies have returned with a rage. I’m counting and checking doors and locks and cleaning. I can’t stop cleaning. My house has never been more tidy. I know why. I know that that horrible night I rationalized that my Mom left because the kitchen was dirty. She hated a dirty kitchen. And in my head, in what was likely a state of shock, I rationalized that if I cleaned it up she would come back. Or someone would. So I cleaned the kitchen but she didn’t come back. And then I cleaned the whole house. I didn’t stop cleaning.

And now after opening this can of worms with A, I can’t stop having compulsions to clean. To dust and to mop and to sweep and to organize. It’s this need to make sure everything is tidy. I know this is all tied together but trying to make the connection makes my head spin. 

But the feelings associated with it – those big ugly hairy feelings that rocked me in session. They’re gone. They’ll come up in a wave every 12 or so hours, but along with them this compulsion to clean, so I clean, and I feel better. When I’m cleaning I feel like a completely different person. And I can’t make sense of it. I’m functioning despite it. And A is on vacation for the next week, so she isn’t within reach… not that my budget would allow it.

I’m in this really weird place that is vaguely familiar although I have no recollection of a time when I have been there before. But it feels like home. 

I have no idea what to do with this. This is new (to the conscious me) territory. 

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17 thoughts on “I Am Simply Cleaning

  1. Hi PD. I haven’t experienced anything like the intensity of what you’re describing but I can relate to cleaning being something isn’t simple, it fills a number of needs: to be in control, to make everything familiar and ‘right’ again after other people have moved things around or dirtied them, obsessing over tiny detail of a task especially a repetitive task blocks out other thoughts, and to protect against parental disapproval by doing every chore you can think of because you never know what will get you into trouble for not doing it. I’m sorry you’re in such a bad place. Please take care – and on a practical level, look after your skin if you’re getting full-on with the cleaning products.

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  2. Just like this isn’t me. Or it isn’t me now. I’m emotionless and logical, high functioning and not crying or applying feeling to anything. So I guess I don’t feel like a different person but like I’ve reverted to who I was over 5 years ago.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Something (someone) is trying to protect you from those emotions if the cleaning urges are popping up when the emotions do. Do you feel like you could handle the emotions if they came up or do they feel like too much? This is a protective thing, possibly Teen PD protecting you.

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  4. It’s hard to see you in this place PD. It’s just a different kind of turmoil. The only way at the moment you know how to deal with the trauma. Perhaps you’re dissociating because inside you’re not ready to process the emotions yet.
    I’m not pretending to understand what you are going through by commenting but I care. x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for letting me know you’re here and you care. I’m not even sure what this place is… but I’m safe. I just feel – nothing. And as soon as I feel, I clean. I can handle that for a couple weeks until I see A again.

      Liked by 1 person

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