I’m here. I’m functioning. But I simply… am.
I can’t find my emotions. It’s like they’ve been shut off. Like a switch.
No more emotions for PD.
Instead my OCD tendencies have returned with a rage. I’m counting and checking doors and locks and cleaning. I can’t stop cleaning. My house has never been more tidy. I know why. I know that that horrible night I rationalized that my Mom left because the kitchen was dirty. She hated a dirty kitchen. And in my head, in what was likely a state of shock, I rationalized that if I cleaned it up she would come back. Or someone would. So I cleaned the kitchen but she didn’t come back. And then I cleaned the whole house. I didn’t stop cleaning.
And now after opening this can of worms with A, I can’t stop having compulsions to clean. To dust and to mop and to sweep and to organize. It’s this need to make sure everything is tidy. I know this is all tied together but trying to make the connection makes my head spin.
But the feelings associated with it – those big ugly hairy feelings that rocked me in session. They’re gone. They’ll come up in a wave every 12 or so hours, but along with them this compulsion to clean, so I clean, and I feel better. When I’m cleaning I feel like a completely different person. And I can’t make sense of it. I’m functioning despite it. And A is on vacation for the next week, so she isn’t within reach… not that my budget would allow it.
I’m in this really weird place that is vaguely familiar although I have no recollection of a time when I have been there before. But it feels like home.
I have no idea what to do with this. This is new (to the conscious me) territory.