I’m on this kick of being healthier. Part of my plan recently has been establish a fitness routine (done), work towards quitting alcohol (mutual accountability structure in place with Dave for March… it’s a good one too), and change up my diet.
My husband and I went for a date night yesterday and when we were talking about these goals I realized that I want these things because I want revenge.
The unhealthy associations with this – they are plentiful. But I was supposed to go home to MO at least 3 times this year. I’ve recently told my family that I won’t be going home until December. And above anything else I want to walk in to Christmas dinner with my shit together. I want to take the high road and not scream fuck you at all of them – but let my career, and my fitness level, and my happiness do it for me. While he’s stuck in the same pathetic cycle, I want to show that cutting him out of my life is the best damn thing that ever happened to me.
And I think part of this is because I need it to be the best thing that happened to me. I can’t be wrong. I don’t think I am – for the record – but there is no going back, the damage I’ve done to the relationships that existed before is too great and there’s no turning back now.
I want revenge.
There have been a lot of reminders of him this week with another new business launch. He’s an entrepreneur, see, and everytime something of his launches (and inevitably fails which is why he still mooches off my parents, who enable him) my Mom and everyone else who knows him posts on Facebook. And I hear about it. And it’s so triggering because normally I would be forced to join the brother parade. Like a dictator ruled our home. I’d be forced to post on social media and metaphorically line the streets with my support and invite my friends.
Not this time.
And I can’t even wish him well. I hope his project fails miserably. I want revenge (not of the physical variety.. as my husband pointed out yesterday if I was going to do something about it in a criminal way I would have snapped a long time ago. I also don’t feel like rotting in jail for him). I want to show up in December living my best fucking life.
I want him to fail.
And as A tells me when I get this way (also, fuck her for being on vacation right now). But as A tells me when I get this way – “until you let go of it being a competition, until you realize there is no winner, you aren’t going to heal.”
But I don’t care. I’m feeling stubborn and angry. I want to win at life versus him. I want to prove I’m better and I should have had their attention too.
I want revenge.