I Want Revenge 

I’m on this kick of being healthier. Part of my plan recently has been establish a fitness routine (done), work towards quitting alcohol (mutual accountability structure in place with Dave for March… it’s a good one too), and change up my diet.

My husband and I went for a date night yesterday and when we were talking about these goals I realized that I want these things because I want revenge.

The unhealthy associations with this – they are plentiful. But I was supposed to go home to MO at least 3 times this year. I’ve recently told my family that I won’t be going home until December. And above anything else I want to walk in to Christmas dinner with my shit together. I want to take the high road and not scream fuck you at all of them – but let my career, and my fitness level, and my happiness do it for me. While he’s stuck in the same pathetic cycle, I want to show that cutting him out of my life is the best damn thing that ever happened to me. 

And I think part of this is because I need it to be the best thing that happened to me. I can’t be wrong. I don’t think I am – for the record – but there is no going back, the damage I’ve done to the relationships that existed before is too great and there’s no turning back now. 

I want revenge. 

There have been a lot of reminders of him this week with another new business launch. He’s an entrepreneur, see, and everytime something of his launches (and inevitably fails which is why he still mooches off my parents, who enable him) my Mom and everyone else who knows him posts on Facebook. And I hear about it. And it’s so triggering because normally I would be forced to join the brother parade. Like a dictator ruled our home. I’d be forced to post on social media and metaphorically line the streets with my support and invite my friends. 

Not this time. 

And I can’t even wish him well. I hope his project fails miserably. I want revenge (not of the physical variety.. as my husband pointed out yesterday if I was going to do something about it in a criminal way I would have snapped a long time ago. I also don’t feel like rotting in jail for him). I want to show up in December living my best fucking life.

I want him to fail.

And as A tells me when I get this way (also, fuck her for being on vacation right now). But as A tells me when I get this way – “until you let go of it being a competition, until you realize there is no winner, you aren’t going to heal.”

But I don’t care. I’m feeling stubborn and angry. I want to win at life versus him. I want to prove I’m better and I should have had their attention too.

I want revenge. 

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10 thoughts on “I Want Revenge 

  1. This makes a lot of sense PD. I am sorry that they are so abandoning. Its not your issue, even though you are the one who has to deal with the pain. I think where you are is okay and glad you are getting these thoughts out. Thank you for sharing.

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  2. I so get this. I feel this. A is right, and you and I both know it– healing can’t be a competition, we gave to do it for ourselves, not to best the ones who hurt us. You do deserve to live your best life, whatever that is, however it looks. You deserve that, and have every right to live your very best life. Xx

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  3. I have to agree with staystrong10. You need to do this for you because the history you have posted shows that when you do it for “them” you have always been let down, and by this point…I doubt much that will change. But when you can be happy for you and proud of you and the amazing people in your life who do have your back and love you….PD that will be the best revenge of all. Cause you will no longer need them to see or not see it!!!

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  4. I know you don’t want to hear this, but A is right. However. I think this is a process. I think right now, your competitiveness is a huge motivating factor that’s driving you. I think as you make progress in your goals, you’ll start to want this for yourself, and at that point, it’ll be less about revenge and more about you. And I think that’s okay.

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