I’m Annoyed

I’m easily annoyed and provoked right now.

I’m drinking, too much. 

When I’m not drinking, I’m cleaning. Or organizing. Everything is structured. I have five extra minutes right now and that doesn’t feel okay.

I have 9 more days until my next counselling session.

I see N for yoga therapy in an hour, for the first time since I panicked, didn’t say anything to her, left, and never came back. Well, I guess this counts as coming back.

I’m snappy and feeling crappy.

I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust what I know, that the path I’m taking is best for me. I’m overwhelmed by past emotion.

I’m drunk texting nonsense to people who to this point have been my biggest supporters – but who may just have had enough. I can tell when people pull away. I’ve seen it enough. I’ve pushed them away enough.

“You need to get past the need to fixate on this stuff. I can’t be there for you if you’re not working to get out of this place.”

Part of me is happy in this chaos. Part of me does feel like it needs to be in this chaotic place. 

I could be and should be caring for myself. Eating right, exercising, sleeping. Instead I’m letting myself fall apart. And there’s a part of me enjoying it.

By the way, the blogs about to go private. You’ll have to request access. If you’ve been a long term follower or commenter I’ll approve. But I’m no longer comfortable with random people having access to my innermost workings. 

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23 thoughts on “I’m Annoyed

  1. I would be annoyed too, if my therapist didn’t permit reaching between sessions when I needed her, and left for a vacation and I had to go two weeks without a session. I’d be outright livid, truthfully. Enraged. That touches deep to the wound of lack of emotional support and protection, and it hurts a lot. Is hard to feel okay without the therapist touchstone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It really does. And she welcomes that anger. I knew when I started with her that this was a thing and I actually do like her boundaries. It’s hard, especially times like this, but I’ve been burned by therapists not knowing their boundaries or taking them away or changing them too many times. I wish, sometimes, I had a therapist that permitted more contact, but then I am reminded that I can reach out to schedule a phone or another session, and I remember being in the hospital alone because of broken promises and care being withdrawn and I prefer this.

      But it does hurt. I find it hard when she’s away especially because I won’t receive a response. You know?

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  2. Sorry to hear about your struggles PD. I really feel for you, must be a difficult phase.

    Strange coincidence, it’s also 9 days for me till next therapy session, so I know how much it sucks having to wait for it.

    Then, in general, I can imagine how you feel and what you’re going through ’cause I’ve been in a similar spot lately – the irritability, not being able to trust yourself, feeling a temporary need to be in the chaos. It’s understandable and totally relatable.

    Just know that you’re not alone and that this will pass eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hang in there, PD. I’m glad to request access. I’m sorry things are so hard right now. I can see how hard you’re struggling and I have also watched how much progress you have made even though I know it really doesn’t feel like that right now. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Q said so much more eloquently then I could the thoughts I had after reading. Hope you are gentle with yourself. This reminds me so much of the grief “cycle” (I put it in quotes because its more like a tornado or roller coaster or something much less predictable then cycle). Thinking of you. Take care of all of your dear selves.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q always says things more eloquently than I believe I can – but I appreciate your comment as well, enice. It is a grief tornado. Thanks for the imagery. I will take care of all of me. 🙂 I hope you’ll come read along

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  5. Hi drunk texting PD. It sounds like you could use some reassurance. I wanted to tell you that I’m not sick of you. I don’t think you are fixating on the past. On the contrary, I always think of you as someone who learns a lot and makes a lot of gains in a short period of time. Your deep, internal-self is very wise and grounded. You can trust her instincts. At the same time, getting better is not a linear path from unwell to well. There are going to be detours and times you have to backtrack and revisit the same places. It makes sense that at a time when you have to adjust to seeing A less often, you could feel thrown off course. Maybe you do need to be in a chaotic place for a while. That’s okay. It won’t last forever. You can write about it and ask for care as much as you need to. You have a good circle of women here who care about you. I hope you’ll give me access to your blog when it goes private. Sending good wishes and complete acceptance of you, however you are feeling. xxoo

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi loving, incredible Q. Thank you for not being sick of me. Some days I feel like I’m fixating on the past – but the friend who said that, I’m not sure he really understands. I will definitely give you access to the blog. Of course. Receiving those good wishes with a grateful heart ❤

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  6. PD, I have so much compassion for the cleaning/organizing/drinking part of you. I think it is a self-protective part, not a “bad part.” Not that this form of self-protection is as effective as you’d like, but as T would say, it’s coming from a loving place. Trying to keep you safe from the pain. I hope you can have compassion for it, too.
    And yes, that’s exactly why I made my blog private. It’s a relief to know that your thoughts are available just to the supportive people you want them to be available to. Of course, I will request access right away. 😉 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lily 🙂 I loved this comment. Smiled so much when I read it – thank you for forming it in a protective way – it is protective, coming from a loving place. I’m honestly so glad I’ve gone private, I am more than happy to have you read along. ❤

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  7. Let yourself be annoyed. Don’t fight it, it’s here for a reason. It’s hard, not trusting yourself and feeling this way. You’re in a lot of pain, under the surface, hidden by the cleaning and drinking and keeping yourself busy.
    “I have five extra minutes right now and that doesn’t feel okay.”- Why isn’t it okay? Is it that it doesn’t feel safe? Having those 5 minutes where you’re not being busy, are the emotions coming up that don’t feel safe or okay? I can completely understand keeping yourself busy so you don’t have to feel. It can be safer when the emotions feel so incredibly strong. Just keep doing what you need to do to stay safe.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Strong. I appreciate it. I feel better now, after seeing N for Yoga Therapy. You know that though 🙂 — it does feel safer to be scheduled and busy, but I often forget how good it feels and can fall back into chaos, you know?

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