I’m easily annoyed and provoked right now.
I’m drinking, too much.
When I’m not drinking, I’m cleaning. Or organizing. Everything is structured. I have five extra minutes right now and that doesn’t feel okay.
I have 9 more days until my next counselling session.
I see N for yoga therapy in an hour, for the first time since I panicked, didn’t say anything to her, left, and never came back. Well, I guess this counts as coming back.
I’m snappy and feeling crappy.
I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust what I know, that the path I’m taking is best for me. I’m overwhelmed by past emotion.
I’m drunk texting nonsense to people who to this point have been my biggest supporters – but who may just have had enough. I can tell when people pull away. I’ve seen it enough. I’ve pushed them away enough.
“You need to get past the need to fixate on this stuff. I can’t be there for you if you’re not working to get out of this place.”
Part of me is happy in this chaos. Part of me does feel like it needs to be in this chaotic place.
I could be and should be caring for myself. Eating right, exercising, sleeping. Instead I’m letting myself fall apart. And there’s a part of me enjoying it.
By the way, the blogs about to go private. You’ll have to request access. If you’ve been a long term follower or commenter I’ll approve. But I’m no longer comfortable with random people having access to my innermost workings.