It’s His Birthday

Today is my brother’s birthday.

It’s not a surprise I’ve been so activaed the past two weeks, if you think about it. I mean, really think about it. His big event last weekend that everyone was talking about. His birthday this weekend. My niece’s birthday party…

I’ve been dreaming about him non-stop. I’ve been dreaming about reuniting and about apologies. I’ve been missing him. Because at the end of the day he’s still my brother, there were still many good times in with the bad and as per the usual with this, and with my family, the more space I have the less I remember about things that held me back. About the problems. 

I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I’m not wishing him a happy birthday. I feel bad for not doing anything. My husband told me it wouldn’t be fair to send my brother out of my life with a bang almost two months ago and then suddenly out of the blue wish him a happy birthday. And he’s right.

I don’t even think I want to. But I don’t know.

Is this impulse? Is this years of being forced into celebration making me feel bad? Is it the sense of not belonging to something? Is it the fact that they are all there, celebrating, and I’m out here – in an exile of my own choosing? I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back. I knew the decision I was making.

Also, his latest idea is picking up traction. Really important people are jumping on board. And all I have to say is really? Really? Now, he is going to find success when I can’t benefit from it? Selfish, I know, but I hung on so long.

And then there’s the pictures. The stupid Facebook memories in my own timeline. The pictures my Mom is posting of this beautiful, happy child. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. And then there’s the guilt again. What did I miss? 

It’s times like these I forget to be angry. I forget the emails and texts he has sent. I forget the emotional abuse, the verbal abuse, the turmoil. It gets to me, you know, that every single time I’ve ever said “he treats me like crap” all I get is “well you’re no angel.” Or “you have treated him poorly too” as if it’s an excuse. If I had known I was living in an eye for an eye kind of world I would have fought back a long time ago. But the reality is that we aren’t. 

To top it all off I sent my niece $40 for her birthday – I have no idea if she got it. It was supposed to arrive last Tuesday. My SIL says she’s neutral, but her comment for my brother’s birthday on Facebook… I don’t know if she means me when she said “I know how stressful this all is and how awful certain people can be…”

This is what I wanted, right? Freedom? I half expected my mom to call or text me today and chew me out for ‘making choices that split up the family.’

If this is what I wanted. If he was so awful to me and I’m finally free of the obligation… why does it feel so wrong? Why am I so sad? 

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “It’s His Birthday

  1. It’s normal that a lot of mixed feelings come up whenever there is a birthday or family event going on. We value those times and the connections they are supposed to represent, and it can be hard when the times come but the connections aren’t there, or aren’t healthy.

    You know, deep inside, that you did the right thing by breaking off with your brother. That hasn’t changed just because it’s his birthday or just because of anything someone posts on FB. Perhaps you can reassure yourself that your still trust the decision that your wise, healthy self made so that you can have a better life. And then at the same time you can acknowledge that you also have some old affection, some guilty feelings, some sadness and whatever else mixed in there. All normal, though not easy, I know.

    Be extra kind to yourself during this hard time. Sending you hugs, and a sense of calm. xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s okay to feel the way you do. You are not a sociopath, so of course you have these feelings – as painful as they are, they’re normal and healthy. Trying to figure out your relationship with a complicated family is really, really difficult. The situation is not fair, AND, they are your family – so of course you miss them, even despite all of the incredibly difficult stuff they’ve put you through. Don’t push these feelings down – talk about them with A, and picture moving through them. And even if you have then, you don’t have to act on them. You can notice them and then still do what is right for you, even when that’s difficult.
    I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I’m thinking of you. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • “so of course you miss them” – I didn’t realize how badly I needed that validated until I read your comment. It did make sense, and it was so helpful. Thank you for your thoughts. They were much needed and very well received xxoo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I get it. I get how hard it is. I won’t give details but I honestly get it. The only thing I can say is that it takes time – lots and lots and lots of time. Years of time. And then….it stops hurting. Well, it only hurts occasionally, and for a few seconds or minutes at a time. And he’s just…not a part a part of your life anymore, just a brief twinge on a rare occasion. The problem is, that it takes so long to get there. I know how difficult it may sound, but it might make it easier for you if you can make yourself block SIL and anyone else on FB that’s bringing this back up regularly for you. It’s really hard. I get it. I do. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It does get easier. It just takes a long, long time before it does. Hang in there. I’ll be thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I actually really really appreciated this comment, and you saying that you get it. Because I feel like you really do, and you aren’t just saying it like some people IRL do.

      Thank you, S

      Like

  4. Let yourself feel these feelings. I think it’s okay you feel this way. You had to do what was best for you. Don’t push these emotions away. The anger will come. Also, SIL’s comment it’s hard not to read into that.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s