I can’t do it

I can’t do it.

I can’t deal with his birthday – with the pressure. I was fine until they said something.

I don’t know where I went wrong. I’m trying to find it, what I missed, I’m looking for it and crying because I don’t know when the happy child I knew turned into the monster I know.
It’s fucked – that all I feel today is absence. The absence of what I knew. I am no longer a part of that codependent fucked up relationship circle that is my immediate family and they never cease to remind me what I left.

My father fat shamed me on my wedding day.

My mother guilt trips me into behaving a certain way.

And my brother..  

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this night. 


6 thoughts on “I can’t do it

  1. You are so strong PD. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now and it’s so hard to feel all this anguish. All these feelings pressing on you until you feel like you will break. Just hold on. You did what was best for you. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for that choice. You DESERVE to be treated with kindness, love and respect.
    We hear you and we are here xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You did what is best for you. You put up a boundary because you don’t deserve to hurt, you never deserved that. You deserve better than what they gave you. You don’t deserve to be fat ashamed or guilt tripped or anything. I know it’s hard right now. It will get better and easier and days like today won’t bring back the absence. I believe that, and I know you will get there. For now, be gentle.

    Liked by 2 people

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