Does it count as self harm if you don’t break the skin?

I think I was holding on to hope that she would hear me. That just once, she wouldn’t make it about her. That just once, she would say “I get it ”

She thinks my husband was disrespectful and rude, selfish and abrasive. That she asked for honesty but his response came in a form she didn’t like so… he is wrong.

It killed me today. I said “he was right Mom, brother was behaving like a little shit” and she said, “well I guess we see things differently.” And then went on to tell me all about his growth and how he’s making progress and he has a new record label interested and that’s when… that’s when I realized she’s never going to hear me. 

“Well I guess we see things differently” is her way of dismissing my reality. She sees my brother as holding it together. As doing the best he could under the horrible time for him that was my wedding…

She shared my husband’s letter with my whole family. My Dad, I understand, but also my brother, my SIL, my extended family. And I can’t tell any of this to my husband so I cry, alone. Here. By myself. She doesn’t understand how wrong that is..  how she told my husband she will only communicate with him face to face, cancels her trip, and tells my whole family everything he has said. Giving my husband no room to defend himself. She said my brother ‘hacked’ his way in. That fucker hasn’t actually hacked shit in his life. He knows her password. So do I. I just respect her privacy.

She keeps making things up. I understand now why my husband BCCd me on the email because she says he called them bad parents and said my brother was a shitshow. He didn’t say those things. But like my brother it doesn’t seem to matter what is actually written. Facts don’t matter. It’s what she ‘inferred’.

She told me today she cries herself to sleep and had ‘so much anxiety’ around my husband and that she constantly thinks about his email. That she can’t sleep because my brother and I won’t talk. She won’t talk to him but keeps insisting ‘he could reach out if he wants.’ WHAT IS IT WITH MY FAMILY AND NOT SAYING WHAT THEY MEAN!? YOU TOLD HIM TO STAY AWAY AND THAT YOU WOULD ONLY TALK IN PERSON… THEN YOU CANCEL YOUR FUCKING TRIP. AND NOW HES WRONG FOR NOT SPEAKING TO YOU!? WHEN YOU ASKED HIM NOT TOO?!

She kept rattling off all the reasons why he should care about them. And that he hates them (nope, not true but fuck if she listens to me). They were all things like ‘we paid for the wedding’ or ‘we got you a limo’ or ‘we have always treated him well’. There is no winning these arguments. 

She said he is disrespectful for not going to visit them when he is home for three weeks and only having dinner there once (alone, might I add). He is the worst, she says.  I point out how I don’t hang out with his family when I’m home. But it’s fine. I try to tell her I am the one who caused these issues in the first place but she puts all the blame on him. He’s the new scapegoat. 

My husband will always be wrong. I will always be wrong. Especially when it challenges my brother. And I am heartbroken, my rose coloured glasses shattering into a thousand tiny pieces on the floor. And A’s words about how I am never going to heal until I accept what I am experiencing right now, that nobody is coming to save me. That I don’t have a mother and father in the way I desperately need and want one… in the way I did, at one point. They blame my husband for it all.

I am destined for superficial conversations and no real connection with my mother. And all I want is my mother. All I want right now, is someone who can’t give me what I need.

I don’t know whether or not to make my new self harm anniversary today or to leave it as August 14th. Does it count if you don’t break skin? Because I have been scratching up my arms all night.

I did my best. But I can’t do it anymore. I am so fucking alone. 

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Does it count as self harm if you don’t break the skin?

  1. I’m not sure whether the question is really whether scratching counts as self-harm (though, for what it’s worth, I think it does – whether or not you decide to move your ‘anniversary’ which only you can decide, and there’s no shame in moving it or not moving it). I could be way off here, but I think the question you’re really asking might be “does my pain count?” – as in, is your pain “real enough” to self-harm, “legitimate enough” to merit compassion and love… which begs the question, Are YOU enough to deserve compassion, to deserve love?
    The answer is yes, PD. This situation isn’t fair – none of it. You and your husband deserve to not be gaslighted. You deserve to have the love and care that you want (and need – and there’s no shame in that) from your mom. And I’m sorry you’re not getting it.
    Sending you a hug, if you want one. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh PD, so sorry to hear that you’re going through such a difficult time, I could feel all your pain and anger seeping through the words.

    Family’s often a tricky and problematic area of our lives, you’re not alone in this… (un)fortunately for you, depending on how you see it.

    Just a side question, if you don’t mind, SIL = Sister In Law, right? I kept thinking it meant “Someone I Love” for like the longest time (erm lol), but just realized what it actually meant when reading that part in context.

    Anyways, hope you manage to find the strength to get through this and wishing you well. Hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. PD, I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you right now. It is so hard and so unfair not to have the parents we want. You are doing your best, I know that, and this is incredibly hard. None of this is your fault. You’re not alone. I’m with you, the WP community is with you. We’ve got you. Just take care of yourself as best as you can. Sending you love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s