I think I was holding on to hope that she would hear me. That just once, she wouldn’t make it about her. That just once, she would say “I get it ”
She thinks my husband was disrespectful and rude, selfish and abrasive. That she asked for honesty but his response came in a form she didn’t like so… he is wrong.
It killed me today. I said “he was right Mom, brother was behaving like a little shit” and she said, “well I guess we see things differently.” And then went on to tell me all about his growth and how he’s making progress and he has a new record label interested and that’s when… that’s when I realized she’s never going to hear me.
“Well I guess we see things differently” is her way of dismissing my reality. She sees my brother as holding it together. As doing the best he could under the horrible time for him that was my wedding…
She shared my husband’s letter with my whole family. My Dad, I understand, but also my brother, my SIL, my extended family. And I can’t tell any of this to my husband so I cry, alone. Here. By myself. She doesn’t understand how wrong that is.. how she told my husband she will only communicate with him face to face, cancels her trip, and tells my whole family everything he has said. Giving my husband no room to defend himself. She said my brother ‘hacked’ his way in. That fucker hasn’t actually hacked shit in his life. He knows her password. So do I. I just respect her privacy.
She keeps making things up. I understand now why my husband BCCd me on the email because she says he called them bad parents and said my brother was a shitshow. He didn’t say those things. But like my brother it doesn’t seem to matter what is actually written. Facts don’t matter. It’s what she ‘inferred’.
She told me today she cries herself to sleep and had ‘so much anxiety’ around my husband and that she constantly thinks about his email. That she can’t sleep because my brother and I won’t talk. She won’t talk to him but keeps insisting ‘he could reach out if he wants.’ WHAT IS IT WITH MY FAMILY AND NOT SAYING WHAT THEY MEAN!? YOU TOLD HIM TO STAY AWAY AND THAT YOU WOULD ONLY TALK IN PERSON… THEN YOU CANCEL YOUR FUCKING TRIP. AND NOW HES WRONG FOR NOT SPEAKING TO YOU!? WHEN YOU ASKED HIM NOT TOO?!
She kept rattling off all the reasons why he should care about them. And that he hates them (nope, not true but fuck if she listens to me). They were all things like ‘we paid for the wedding’ or ‘we got you a limo’ or ‘we have always treated him well’. There is no winning these arguments.
She said he is disrespectful for not going to visit them when he is home for three weeks and only having dinner there once (alone, might I add). He is the worst, she says. I point out how I don’t hang out with his family when I’m home. But it’s fine. I try to tell her I am the one who caused these issues in the first place but she puts all the blame on him. He’s the new scapegoat.
My husband will always be wrong. I will always be wrong. Especially when it challenges my brother. And I am heartbroken, my rose coloured glasses shattering into a thousand tiny pieces on the floor. And A’s words about how I am never going to heal until I accept what I am experiencing right now, that nobody is coming to save me. That I don’t have a mother and father in the way I desperately need and want one… in the way I did, at one point. They blame my husband for it all.
I am destined for superficial conversations and no real connection with my mother. And all I want is my mother. All I want right now, is someone who can’t give me what I need.
I don’t know whether or not to make my new self harm anniversary today or to leave it as August 14th. Does it count if you don’t break skin? Because I have been scratching up my arms all night.
I did my best. But I can’t do it anymore. I am so fucking alone.