It Is What It Is (& I walked into a cannon)

I’m home alone. And I’m drunk-ish. Had dinner with Dave tonight and he, in his usual way, managed to break through the emotional and get straight to the intellectual. “What positive net value does discussing your husband with your mother provide.”

Zero. Absolutely zero.

I have no idea how tomorrow is going to go. I see A later, 6p. Which means she has to come downstairs to get me. That disrupts my pattern. And I see my Physio at 7am (currently it’s 12 so I’m going to get a great sleep tonight) and then have a call with a difficult personal client at 1pm. 

I went to a fitness class today for the first time and it was pretty good. It definitely shook me out of this fog I’ve been in since seeing A last. 

The conversation I had with my Mother yesterday was so fucking infuriating. And I don’t really want to discuss the self harm with A. I don’t really want to discuss anything with her. I haven’t seen her in 14 days I’m not quite sure what to do about all that. 

My mom sent me $400 to help with counseling and I don’t know how to feel about that. Do I get to talk about her if she paid for it? 

She suggested my husband was abusive. I can’t get over that.

I walked into a cannon. There’s an army base near my work and it has historical cannons out near the sidewalk and in my disassociated haze I walked into it and fucking gave myself whiplash. Hence the Physio appointment tomorrow morning. SERIOUSLY. I’m walking into cannons now. I honestly have 0 idea what to do with myself. 

I’m clearly jumbled. 

I need to see A once a week, but to do that I need money. I need $900 a month. And I don’t have that. I just don’t. And part of me is wondering if seeing her twice is more harmful than not seeing her at all. 

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2 thoughts on “It Is What It Is (& I walked into a cannon)

  1. I understand why you wonder if seeing A twice is more harmful than zero times. It’s hard being activated (from a session) then having that space between. I think you will still heal seeing her twice a month. I think you will fall into the groove faster than you think, and it will become the “norm”. Give it some time.
    As far as talking about your mother in a session she paid for, I say go for it. Why not? It seems like, for you and me, our families were/are really good at giving financial support. Everything else goes to hell. So go for it.

    Liked by 1 person

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