I didn’t realize how much I had been drinking this time around until I stopped. I’ve only kept track of it for two weeks or so, but it’s been too much for that time frame. In the past 14 days I’ve had at least 10 bottles of wine and multiple ciders. At least a glass of wine a day, sometimes at lunch.
And I didn’t drink yesterday, at all, and immediately have felt like absolute ass the past twenty four hours. I want to drink. Badly. But I’m not. Cause fuck the life that did this to me. I’m spending March sober and after that I may stay sober.
Because lying in bed alternating chills and sweat, the worst nausea I’ve had in a while, a headache, and the shakes – this fucking isn’t worth it. I drown myself in alcohol when things get too hard because thats what I was taught. But I don’t have to. It doesn’t have to be that way anymore.
I have so much work to do today and I can barely function, so I’m taking a nap. Then I will push through and do the work. And yes, I know the symptoms of DT, and I’m on the look out. So far I think this is a withdrawal I can manage at home. My husband thinks I have the flu, but he is keeping an eye on me. So I’m not alone.
I wanted to write about it so I could bookmark it and come back to it the next time I want to drink. It’s just not worth it. It’s what I learned to do, but it just isn’t worth it. And even if it’s what I learned, it doesn’t mean I have to keep doing it.
I can choose a different path. I’m strong enough to choose a different path.