Time Change Panic

Yesterday, A emails me and says she “is hopeful you can change the time of our appointment to 5pm, but if not, no worries, I’ll see you at our regular time.” 

And my immediate instinct was “I have to find a way to do this or she will be mad at me.”

Whoa. What? Or she will be mad at me? 

It kind of caught me by surprise, but it really shouldn’t have. A rarely, if ever, gives me an indication of what she wants or needs from me in our relationship. She says it is because given my childhood, my instinct is going to be to please her in whatever way I can, and that her job is to remind me I’m lovable regardless. Which I’ve always kind of scoffed at.

But here she was asking me if I could change our time together (and she even put in her email that it was okay if it wasn’t possible, knowing my first instinct would be that if I said no I would be afraid she was going to cancel), and my immediate instinct was STILL “I have to do this.” 

So I took a few deep breaths and looked at my schedule. There was no way an earlier time was working today, so I drafted an email being like “unfortunately, I can’t due to XYZ. My apologies, PD” and proceeded to have a panic attack in the work bathroom. 

She emailed me back being like “no worries, thanks for letting me know, see you tomorrow at our usual time.” 

So now, I’m afraid she’s mad. 

This is clearly an issue and one that replicates itself throughout my life. I a) rarely take people at face value – I read into every word, the spaces between them, wonder what isn’t being said, infer meaning. And I b) feel like I have to please them and do what they want regardless. I was close to cancelling my Physio appointment and paying the fee so I could see A at the time she mentioned and was able (thankfully) to stop myself and be like – are you insane? This is an appointment time SHE picked and agree to. If she can’t do it anymore then it’s not on you to shuffle your life around! 

But I still feel guilty, I still feel like I’ve been bad or done something wrong because I didnt shuffle my life around for her. And this, along with all the attachment issues I have right now (being so attached to her is making me super uncomfortable) is what I get to talk about today.

Lucky me. 

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3 thoughts on “Time Change Panic

  1. I have gone through exactly this with E, several times. I’ve agreed to her requests for a change when I didn’t want them and then felt incredibly hurt and un-cared for. I had this experience last summer, and it literally took us about six weeks to get over the rupture (she also made a mistake that probably drew the whole thing out longer). More recently it came up again, and I said no to a proposed change to our regular time. I probably could have done it, but I didn’t want to (so I felt extra guilty to say no). It was hard to say no, but she was accepting and even supportive of that decision. She said, “I am a person with needs, and I will continue to request things of you sometimes, and you are also a person with needs, and you are free to respond as you genuinely want to respond. And this won’t affect our relationship.” I don’t know if those were her exact words or not, but that was the meaning, and I’ve thought about it multiple times since then. I feel like it was great modeling of healthy boundaries for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Agree with staystrong on this one, it’s comprehensible that you’re afraid you might’ve upset A, but more likely than not, she’ll understand that you have needs and a certain schedule. I’d be very surprised if she got angry at you, but knowing all the things you wrote about A, she’ll probably treat you with kindness and respect, like she always/often has.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad you reframed and kept your physio appointment. That reframe was correct. I know it’s hard, and it feels like she’s going to be so angry. She will still be there for you, because she’s not angry. She understands that you have things that sometimes can’t be moved. She will still care for you.

    Like

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