Yesterday, A emails me and says she “is hopeful you can change the time of our appointment to 5pm, but if not, no worries, I’ll see you at our regular time.”
And my immediate instinct was “I have to find a way to do this or she will be mad at me.”
Whoa. What? Or she will be mad at me?
It kind of caught me by surprise, but it really shouldn’t have. A rarely, if ever, gives me an indication of what she wants or needs from me in our relationship. She says it is because given my childhood, my instinct is going to be to please her in whatever way I can, and that her job is to remind me I’m lovable regardless. Which I’ve always kind of scoffed at.
But here she was asking me if I could change our time together (and she even put in her email that it was okay if it wasn’t possible, knowing my first instinct would be that if I said no I would be afraid she was going to cancel), and my immediate instinct was STILL “I have to do this.”
So I took a few deep breaths and looked at my schedule. There was no way an earlier time was working today, so I drafted an email being like “unfortunately, I can’t due to XYZ. My apologies, PD” and proceeded to have a panic attack in the work bathroom.
She emailed me back being like “no worries, thanks for letting me know, see you tomorrow at our usual time.”
So now, I’m afraid she’s mad.
This is clearly an issue and one that replicates itself throughout my life. I a) rarely take people at face value – I read into every word, the spaces between them, wonder what isn’t being said, infer meaning. And I b) feel like I have to please them and do what they want regardless. I was close to cancelling my Physio appointment and paying the fee so I could see A at the time she mentioned and was able (thankfully) to stop myself and be like – are you insane? This is an appointment time SHE picked and agree to. If she can’t do it anymore then it’s not on you to shuffle your life around!
But I still feel guilty, I still feel like I’ve been bad or done something wrong because I didnt shuffle my life around for her. And this, along with all the attachment issues I have right now (being so attached to her is making me super uncomfortable) is what I get to talk about today.